Advice Needed--anger management.

I blow up all the time.

Been doing it since I was a teen.

Been to a shrink for depression–didn’t help, lost confidence in shrinks.

Small things going wrong, like my dropping things, make me furious!

I just got off the phone with IT, & blew up at them.

You’ve all seen the stupis shit I’ve posted in the Pit.

And always bitter regrets afterwards.

HELP!!!

Advice?
I hate myself! I really do! :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :frowning: :smack: :smack:

Start with not hating yourself. That can go far.

Then, when interacting with others, be nice for purely self-interested and functional reasons.

remember that there are two types of people in the world: those you choose to interact with (usually friends), and those you are obliged to interact with (usually work-related).

If you find you don’t want to be nice to your friends, then why are they your friends?

If you find you don’t want to be nice to people at work, remember that the only reason to be nice to them is because they probably can make your life easier, and are far more likely to if you are nice to them. At the end of the day you’re basically being paid to talk to them, so you’ve got nothing at all to lose. Grit your teeth, smile, breathe deeply, be polite.

A former co-worker was constantly in a bad mood. She was mean and unpleasant and she made her life so much worse by being like that. She confidentially warned me about people we worked with who were jackasses, and I started to realize that everyone she had ever worked with was, in her eyes, a jackass. I also realized that most of these people were quite nice to me. It didn’t take me long to realize that it was her hideous personality that put people in uncooperative moods.

Next time you want to lose your temper, think:

“How will this work out if I lose it on this person?” and “How will this work out if I put on my best phony polite smile?” Pick the alternative that you would prefer: if you stop to think, it will almost always be option #2, since that will inspire people to maybe be nicer to you, to help you, and to get out of your face sooner.

They never need to know that you would have much preferred to punch their lights out.

Re: inanimate objects that don’t co-operate, like the pen that falls on the floor or the button that pops off your pants: I have no advice. Those drive me around the bend as well. Fucking inanimate objects !

Soooo…Does that mean if you don’t like my answer you’ll be pitting me shortly?

Two suggestions - #1, finding a good shrink isn’t easy. It may take 7 or 8 tries before you locate the one who’s right for you; but once you do, it can make a huge world of difference. Just remember, you’re the one who has to do the work in therapy - a shrink can’t fix you, you have to fix yourself. There are a lot of wonderful analogies about therapy in Sheldon Kopp’s If You Meet the Buddha in the Road, Kill Him. He points out that a neurotic is like a bullfighter, parrying and thrusting and wielding his cape in the ring - only there’s no bull.

Which leads to #2 - Remember that when your anger is out of proportion it’s not about the object of your anger, it’s about you. So either learn some simple behavior modification techniques to help you avoid those out-of-control moments, or start digging deeper to figure out what your problem is. IME, everything boils down to either fear or love. If you’re angry when it’s not really appropriate, chances are good that you’re actually hurting in some way and you’re lashing out because of fear.

Peace and good luck!

Italics mine.

I have the same problem - when I get mad, I snap. I totally lose it. If I could take the time to think, as you suggested, cowgirl, I don’t think I’d have this problem. However, that’s sometimes easier said than done.

Bosda the only thing I would suggest is taking cowgirl’s advice - trying to force yourself to take the time to take at least one breath before snapping - well, maybe not before snapping, but before speaking. Or, if you can, the old count-to-ten thing always sounded silly to me, but it does help me calm down just that little bit to be at least rational-sounding.

I struggle with my temper on a daily basis. Luckily for me, it blows over in about 1/10th of a second, after I’ve exploded. Doesn’t help the people around me whose feelings I’ve hurt, of course!

Good luck
Heather

Have you tried any antidepressants? It may be a cliche, but Prozac does seem have a calming effect. The problems are still there, but you’re somewhat more detached.

And obviously, just removing sources of stress in your life will help. E.g., if you have a two hour commute to work each way, or your job sucks, or you’re chronically single, then eliminating those problems may help reduce your setting from simmer to low.

If you’re uncomfortable seeing a therapist, try talking to your family doctor about antidepressants. I was having anger issues last year when my mom was going through a bad illness; antidepressants helped immeasurably. I think unreasonable anger is just a manifestation of internal unhappiness and some bad serontonin. I’m much more laid back now, and I don’t go to bed gritting my teeth every night.

Anti-depressants are OUT* out. Tried 'em years ago, & I couldn’t function well enough to work.

cowgirl–what friends? Excepy for on-line friends, I’m a completer loner.

Define “years ago”? Was this before the SSRI revolution? Even if it was, every antidepressant works differently. I took Serzone for a week once, and was a walking zombie. Prozac (or Zoloft) does none of that to me.

If you’re not willing to talk to a doctor or try medical intervention, do you think you’re ready to deal with the problem? Not to sound snippy, but it takes some commitment and a realization about where you are in life to be able to deal with problems like that. There’s no quick fix or easy answer. You have to be willing to try things that might feel weird or different, to get yourself out of whatever patterns you’re in.

Standard disclaimer:
not a doctor, psychologist, or self-help guru.

I feel a real kinship with you when I read your post, because you sound exactly like me, with a couple of differences.

The major difference is that I managed to get control of the anger by the time I was 22 or so (I’m now 26). Wasn’t easy, believe me. It took a lot of years of working on myself. I did it without anti-depressants or therapists, so it can happen that way, although I don’t have anything against professional or pharmocological help. In my experience, though, drugs and therapy can only do some of the work. You have to put in a lot of hard effort to make a change.

I know it sounds trite, but I started to live by the maxim “think before you speak.” I learned to do a silent burn for a minute or so before saying anything when I was pissed off. Self-control is definitely tough, but I guess I got to the point where I was tired of everyone thinking of me as a hothead jerk. It’s less tolerated in women than it is in men, too, and I was losing a lot of friends.

After I got a handle on that, I worked on 2 things:

  1. Fighting fair. Not saying things I’d regret later. Sticking to the topic. Avoiding personal attacks. Phrasing my position diplomatically.

  2. Learning to sweat only the big stuff. Letting the little irritations slide. Not having so many “hot buttons” for people to accidentally push. Distracting myself, usually with humor, when I found myself getting angry or annoyed about stuff I can’t change (like a traffic jam).

After awhile, I was able to morph into someone who’s still considered “intense” by her family and friends, but not a jerk or a hothead.

The other difference (well, you don’t really say) comes from a long line of angry people with extremely short fuses. Most of them didn’t get a handle on it. For all of them, it’s been a serious detriment to their happiness. All three of my dad’s brothers are divorced, usually because of their out-of-control bad tempers. All three have had trouble with the law because of domestic disputes. My dad (investment banker) and my architect uncle had trouble in their careers because they were known as being hard to get along with. Their kids don’t like them. They don’t have friends. They’re all on Prozac because they’re miserable–but the drugs haven’t turned them into charmers.

I knew I didn’t want to end up like that. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to, either. I’ve read your posts for a long time (lurk way more than I post) and I can tell you’re a good guy…who happens to have a (self-reported–I’ve never noticed it) anger problem

If you want to talk more about this, feel free to email me–it’s in my profile.

I’m the same way, except for me it’s forgetting where I put important stuff and not dropping things.

What works for me is to play a violent video game, like Mortal Kombat or something. Much better to get your anger out on a bunch of pixels than anything (or anyone) else.

In line with what cowgirl said, there are steps you can take to control your own reactions to things that set you off. It takes time and practice, but makes a tremendous impact if you are willing to stick it out. The key is to GIVE YOURSELF TIME to react, so that you are choosing your reaction, rather than reflexively doing anything.

Let’s say you drop something. If your usual reaction is to instantly explode, consciously give yourself the count of one before you react. If you still explode after one beat, that’s OK. But every single time you encounter anything that has made you mad in the past, count to one and THEN get mad. Soon enough, you’ll be in the habit of making that tiny pause before you react.

Next, give yourself the count of two. Then three. And so on. You’ll learn over time to make that a blank time, without emotion, in which you take control over how you’ll react. You will choose whether or not to snap. You will choose whether or not an incident is worth the emotional investment of so much anger. You’ll still get mad, I’m sure, but it will be over things that are worth the anger, instead of every little thing that irritates you.

Good luck.

Take all of your anger and mash it down into a tiny ball in the pit of your stomach, and then put food on it.

Seriously, medical intervention is probably the way to go if your anger is uncontrollable.

Beadalin’s got some good advice there (as do many others). It will also help if you can enlist a couple of friends to help you. Essentially you need to give them “permission” to give you a heads-up when you’re veering close to a blowup - I promise those close to you can see it coming before you do. Of course, you have to remember that you asked and that they’re trying to help, so thank them and take a time out.

I’ll second the recommendations to at least consider an anti-depressant. I’d been having anger problems for quite a while; also was getting more and more depressed. Got a prescription for Zoloft to relieve the depression, and by golly! The anger melted away too. It didn’t even take a very large dose, and the only side effect I’ve seen is a tendency to yawn. It certainly didn’t zombie me out or make me feel dull or foggy. In fact, with the anger under control, I’m more effective and able to think more clearly instead of going off half-cocked.

I’m sorry about the bad therapist but you need to work this out someway.

I’m a firm believer in counseling. A good therapist or counselor would teach you relaxation techniques and how to focus on the situation and not your reaction. When the anger comes - distract yourself, by tapping on your wrist or behind your ear - and focus on fixing the situation. It doesn’t do any good to cuss out a busted seam or faulty coffee pot. Turn your anger into being more constructive.

My diffuser is tapping my foot. You do NOT want to make me tap my foot! But it keeps me from saying or doing things that will come back to haunt me.

Good luck - that you can recognize that there’s a problem is a huge step.

(IANAtherapist or counselor - YMMV etc)

I tell myself that anger is a learned behavior. if I practice getting angry, I’m going to get better at it. And if I practice not getting angry, then I’ll get better at that.

Run and see Anger Management, with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson, and discharge at the movie all your negative reactions. After that you should be in a better mood. :smiley:

Seriously, I have a friend who claims he loses his head when he’s angry. Not only he says it with some passion, he seems to be proud of his behavior. Well, I think you Bosda are more able to improve yourself than him. Complimenting DeVena’s comment, another friend used to say that “a problem well presented is a half-solved problem”.

Maybe not a complete advicement but half presented as well.

I’ve had similar problems. I inherited it from my Dad, who had the classic “Sicilian temper”; he’d go completely ballistic with almost no warning. I’d say there way maybe 1 in 3 chance one of us would have literally killed the other, but we managed to both survive.

I was never as bad as my Dad, and I’m pretty calm now. It’s possible the biggest change was not living with my Dad, who was mighty good at pissing me off. Or possibly just mellowing with age, which also did to lesser degree.

Perhaps you will also mellow with age.