I’ve never had a reason to start a thread like this before, but here’s one. I saw a sneak preview screening last night and I’m reviewing it for the paper here. Maybe it’s a little early for a review thread since it won’t be out for another week, but if anybody has questions (or wants to compare thoughts), here you go.
Fire away!
Dear the Guy Who Saw TROY:
My husband and I are having a dreadful argument. He insists that the salad fork goes on the left and the dinner fork goes on the right, but I’m sure the salad fork goes on the right and the dinner fork goes on the left. Who is right?
Sincerely,
Forked Up in Florida
Was it necessary to call the thread Ask the Guy Who Saw TROY about TROY? 
If they ever give out a worst thread-starter award here, I expect to win it…
Dear Forked Up in Florida,
It’s clear to me that this isn’t about salad at all, it’s about your husband’s drinking and your reasonably confirmed suspicions that he’s been cheating on you for years with your best friend. Stand up for yourself and show him where that fork goes!
-TGWST
Dear Guy Who Saw Troy,
When my husband and I are watching Troy in the theater, is it permissible to make pinching and cupping motions with my hands whenever Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom bend over, or would this be considered gauche? Is this permissible when watching the movie with various female friends? Should I bring my own handkerchief to wipe away drool, or is it allowable to borrow my husband’s for this purpose? Based on your preview, will I need multiple handkerchiefs for this purpose, or will one be enough?
Sincerely,
Up with Trojans
OK…I’ll bite.
How fast is Homer spinning in his grave?
Did they make Achilles straight? I saw a publicity still of him in bed with a slave girl (who in the Illiad had no lines.)
Source material aside…is it worth 2.5 hours of my time?
Up With Trojans;
This will be a multiple-handkerchief film for many straight women and gay men. Bloom doesn’t come off too well, but you’ll see plenty of Pitt looking very, very buff. I’m not an expert on such things, but I suspect you may find Eric Bana just as tasty. They’re all shirtless at least once, so you can take your pick.
The film is probably too long (about 2:45) to be watched for eye candy alone, but there’s plenty of eye candy just the same. Try not to get any drool on the people sitting in front of you.
-TGWST
Using spoiler tags might seem dumb, but since I didn’t think to put “Spoilers!” in the thread title, I’ll do it.
The story is part Iliad and part Aeneid, so Virgil might be pissed as well. But I suspect what will really upset them is seeing the opening-week figures and realizing they won’t see a penny.
If you think it’s amazing that they fit a ten-year war into movie less than three hours long… don’t, because the war seems to last about two weeks in the movie.
He’s VERY straight. In his first scene, he’s late for a battle because he’s had a busy night with two women. 
His love for the slave girl, Briseis, is a significant point, and she’s got a reasonably big part.
Sorry to be a pest, GWST, but I really need an anwer about the pinching and cupping motions. My husband says this sort of behavior is quite crude and socially unacceptable in a public theater, but I say it’s perfectly normal for a healthy, mature, heterosexual woman and is acceptable provided the hands stay at shoulder level or lower. Who’s right GWST?
Cup away as long as it won’t hurt your husband’s feelings and as long as you confine it to the quiet, ‘bedroom’-type scenes. Nobody will take those seriously anyway.
Do they just gloss over the homoeroticism between Achilles and Patroclus (understandable, since it’s frustratingly ambiguous even in Homer), or are they dropping that relationship altogether. Any work that misses the importance of that relationship is missing the point of the source material, IMHO.
And you’re surprised at that?
Patroclus is there, Achilles does care about him a lot, and the relationship is important. But there’s nothing sexual about any of it. Like I said, we see Achilles with several women and there is no dialogue between the two that could be taken sexually; their relationship is mentor/mentee. Let’s not kid ourselves, this is a Hollywood blockbuster and there are some things that just aren’t going to happen.
Dear Guy who Saw Troy
I was curious, is this a movie that’s going to go down in the books as a classic, or is it “just a good movie”?
So, do we get to see Helen’s kidnapping? Is she tied up, gagged, anything along those lines? Any slavegirls in chains?
I realize this isn’t about the plot, but we already know how things turn out thanks to that spoiler Homer.
Dear Guy who saw Troy
Exactly how much and what kind of male nudity was there in Troy? Did Brad, Eric or Orlando turn around and show Mr. Happy? Was there quality butt material on screen? How long did said exposure last? Plot is nice but let’s not forget about the important stuff. Thanks.
I don’t think it’s a classic, no. I’m attempting to put this into my review, but since I only have about 190 words I doubt that’ll work, but here’s why: in Lord of the Rings, you can tell there’s genuine caring between the characters. In Gladiator, a movie I didn’t like, you can root for Maximus. You can’t really root for Achilles on an emotional level (deeper than wanting him to kick some ass) because he doesn’t care about anything, he’s sort of a nihilist. There’s a love story, but it’s nothing to write home about. The Big A becomes reasonably interesting, but only so much. Hector is another matter, but he’s not the star.
Dear Jabba the Hutt;
No on the Helen thing. She’s not kidnapped, she chooses to go with Paris in disguise, and we don’t find out about it until they’re sailing for Troy..
There are some slave girls.
Zippo.
Nothing really. Maybe you can make see Brad’s butt out of focus once or twice (I wasn’t exactly checking), but mostly you’re looking for shirtlessness.
You’re welcome.
Do they “burn the towering tops of Illium?”
Well, they’ve got the face and the 1,000 ships…
[quote]
but mostly you’re looking for shirtlessness.{/quote]
Troy has no shirts. Troy needs no shirts!
Dear Lucky Bastard Who’s Already Seen Troy,
Is Mr. Bloom actually acting in this? Or is he just playing himself, pretty and slightly clueless?
Signed,
An Orlando Fan Girl