I’m driving home from work yesterday and like everyday, that involves driving through the intersection of Dumbass and Oblivious. Here is a map for people who like pictures. During rush hour this is always a very busy intersection given the proximity to 385, a mall, a post office, several restaurants and businesses. Whenever the light turns green, these fucking idiots flood the intersection, whether or not there is available space or not. Light turns green, move foot from brake to gas, go 10 feet and stop.
Yesterday, as I’m going south, I approach the traffic light. I notice that the car in front of me barely has enough room to get through the intersection because cars are piled up from the next light. Since I have nowhere to go, I stop at the line as not to block the intersection. My light turns red, the other light turns green. Keep in mind, cars are backed up to intersection, there IS NO PLACE TO GO. These degenerates don’t care and promptly flood the intersection. And sit there. Light cycles back and I just fucking lose it. Too many times have I seen a few people screw it up for the 50 going my way and 50 going the opposite who have no place to go since the intersection is blocked.
I wind up the old truck to about 4000 RPM, pop the clutch and squeal about 5 ft to the line of cars. I get the attention of one of the last ones in line, some wrinkled old prune of a woman in a silver Cherokee. Since my window was open I throw my hands up and out to window as if to say “What the fuck are you doing? Where do you think you’re going?”. You know what this cunt did?
She flipped me off.
My head almost exploded. There have only been a few times in my life I have been that outraged. How dare this bitch flip me off for being so inconsiderate of me and the people in the other lanes? I went to grab a gun but I remembered I don’t own one… but… I was munching on my favorite snack, Snyders of Hanover Jalapeño Pieces. They are about the same size and density as croutons, significantly hotter though. At this point the traffic has started to move and she was getting away but I quickly grabbed a handful and threw them at her car. Only it was left handed and she was moving so I ended up throwing like a girl and I think only one landed on her roof. Not the window smashing I was expecting. Some of my fellow citizens laughed (either at me for throwing them at her dumbass or for throwing like a girl). I thought about chasing her down and having a screaming match but I calmed down pretty quick.
You’re a real turn on when you’re mad Bruce.
But I have to second what some of the others said about wasting food. What about all of those starving Biafrans?
I can live with an occasional outburst that includes the hurling of jalapeno based snacks. If you’d have thrown the Snyder’s of Hanover Honey Mustard and Onion Sourgough Hard Pretzel Pieces, that would be another story. That’s unacceptable under any circumstance.
This OP was so good that I’d mail you a replacement bag of Snyders Jalapeno thingies in appreciation if I had any idea where they sold them around here.
I rarely flip off people. In fact, the last time I did, it was when I lived in New York in 1991.
Anywho, I was at a red light in a single lane waiting to turn right. A little Mazda is in front of me with his left turn signal on. Man, who will henceforth be known as Asswipe, pulls behind us in his big, important SUV.
Light turns green. Not a millisecond passes before asswipe behind me honks his horn. I glance at him in the rearview mirror in mild amusement and wonder what’s eating him. I do the universal “What the hell do you want me to do?” shrug. I can’t go until the car in front of me goes.
Mazda pulls forward a bit. Since he is turning left he has to wait for the cars going straight from the opposite side to clear the intersection. He cannot turn left until they have cleared the intersection. His car is blocking me from turning right. There is no way for me to go anywhere unless I plow into Mazda. Apparently Asswipe thinks I should do this because he LAYS on his horn behind me, gesticulating wildly.
Once Mazda turns, I calmly turn right. Asswipe turns right behind me with such force that he has to correct himself. He immediately gets into the left lane and barrels forward. I roll down the window and flip him the bird and it is then that I see a small child sitting in the passenger seat. I felt kind of bad until I saw the child parroting the father with his wild gesticulations. That’s great, dad. Not only are you teaching your child the nuances of road rage, but he’s sitting in the front where there’s an air bag. Hellllllooooo.
There was a small measure of justice when someone ahead of us pulled into his lane and forced him to slam on his brakes.
