Dad had things that he liked to say. I call them “Dadisms”.
[ul][li]Purt’ nigh, but not plumb (“Pretty near, but not plumb”, or “Close, but no cigar”)[/li][li]You look like the syphillitic afterbirth of a lower-Slobovian gang bang.[/li][li]If it satisfies you, it suits the sh… heck out of me![/li][li]Close enough for government work.[/li][li]It all counts on thirty.[/li][li]How’d you like a toilet water shampoo? (i.e., the act of putting one’s head in a toilet and flushing.)[/li][li]How’d you like a poke in the snot-locker?[/li][li]Is your nose clean? (Said before allowing a visitor to enter, to ensure that he’s not a “brown noser”.)[/li][li]I only drink coffee. Water will rust your pipes.[/li][li]If you had a brain it would rattle like a BB in a boxcar.[/li][li]Son, if you get the right woman there ain’t nothin’ like it. If you get the WRONG woman… THERE AIN’T NOTHIN’ LIKE IT![/li][li]Roffloffnpoffloffitz. (Said when just getting out of bed.)[/li][li]I have CRAFT (Can’t Remember a F…oolish Thing)[/li][li]It ain’t what you want, but what you eat that makes you fat.[/ul][/li]Some of these were said in a “folksy” way; as evidenced by “ain’t”, a word he never used otherwise. So, what are your dad’s “dadisms”? What phrases do you like to use?
I’m fond of saying, in a lower-class English accent, “I’ve got brains! [pronounced “brines”] Why, I’ve got more brains in my lit’le finger than I’ve got in me 'ole head!”
My dad has this habit of whistling when he’s got something wrong, and breathing in sharply through pursed lips when he’s made a joke. Thus we get the classic:
I wanted a Waldorf salad, but they were all out of walnuts <whistle> Waldorfs. <ssssip>
I’m turning into him in so many other ways, I’ve gotta keep my eye out for this.
When my father answers the phone: " YELL-o!!"
(He has no idea that he does this.)
When offended by my mother’s or my perfume: “You stink like the inside of a Peruvian mountain goat!”
After a sip of alcohol, a la Jackie Gleason: “Ooohhh, that’s good booze!”
When he needs me to do something for him: “Madame Defarge, come here!”
(Good Lord, I always wonder; do I really remind him of Madame Defarge??)
-And at the dinner table:
*Me, with a basket of dinner rolls: "Dad, wanna roll?
*Dad: “Nah; I 'd rather walk.”
If one of us was making a lot of noise, my dad would say, “Want a washtub and a hammer?”
When it got really cold, he'd say "We'll have to bring in the brass monkeys tonight" (my mom wouldn't let him say "it's cold enough to freeze the bals off a brass monkey" in front of the kids), or "It's colder than a witch's thorax". He was a doctor, so he could have thought of that last one on his own, but I heard it on a M*A*S*H rerun recently, so he could have picked it up there.
“right out there in front of God and everybody”. Said when deciding the quality of work to do on a given piece of furniture, car, etc. If the work was in the front, he would point out that it was “right out there in front of god and everybody”.
It was always “good enough for government work”. Strangely, this was said with a tone of resignation, but only applied to things very well done.
I’ve adopted enough of dadisms that I’d have to think for a long time to determine what of the things I say came from my dad, and which are normal people-speak.
Remembered another-my brother, sister, and I all tended to take long hot showers (not together-we aren’t that close) and Dad would pound on the bathroom door and holler, “What are you doing, washing an elephant?” When I got to be old enough to be a smartass, I’d reply, “No-he’s done. Now it’s my turn.”
My dad used to say, “He talks like a man with a paper asshole,” which makes as much sense as your dad’s version, really. We just swore a lot at our house, a tradition I like to uphold.
He also said:
Go shit in your hat.
Go piss up a rope.
Use your head for more than a hat rack.
That guy is screwed blue and tattooed.
If my brother or I were whining about a minor injury, he’d say, “That smarts? Rub a little on your head.”
If we were being wiseguys, he’d call us wisenheimers.
I’m sure there are a lot more that I’ll think of after I hit reply.
“Let’s get this show on the road!” Of course, that’s not original; but he’d say it farily often.
“Backward, turn backward, Oh Time in the flight!
I thought of a comeback I needed last night!”
“My son, my son!”
“He got the maroon harpoon!”
(In response to, “How are you doing?”) “Well, I’ve got my SpanTran. That’s half Spanish Fly, and half tranquilizer. It makes you hunt like mad for it; but if you don’t find any, you don’t give a damn.”
“He’s the only person you’ll see with a negative IQ.”
