What do you think is the percentage of genuinely happily married couples?

[Shagnasty]

A very high percentage of marriages end in divorce. Most estimates are around 50%. I have to assume that all of those were not happy at least in the end. Of the other 50% of married couples that stay together, I assume that many of those are also unhappy but choose to stay together for whatever reason. What do you think the chances are for a randomly selected married couple to have a mostly happy and satisfying marriage?

[Indygrrl]

10%, and that's being generous.

[Phlosphr]

I'll raise my hand and say my marriage is mostly happy. I can certainly see myself with her for the rest of my life. See my most recent post in the "what is love thread"

Oh and I consider myself a damn good husband as well!

[VenusProbe]

I'm with Indygrrl. I'm married to a very nice woman, but I am not "happily married". We are good friends and can tolerate living together, but if I had known when I married her what "Married Life" would be like. I would not have done it and if it wasn't for the kids I'd be somewhere else.

[RickJay]

Comparing them against my own marriage, I'd say it's fairly low. Maybe not 10%, but 25% sounds like the max. Most married couples I see are horrid to each other to an extent that Mrs. RickJay and I would consider unthinkable.

[Shagnasty]

Just for the record I, the OP, am also married. My wife is an absolute specimen to be holdhold by most people's standards: gorgeous, smart, and from a multimillionaire family. I am from a family where most people have multiple marriages. The only reason that I wanted to get married was to have kids because that is the most important thing to me. I am very skeptical of the traditional concept of marriage. I was warned at an early age that marriage is an absolute soul-crusher for men and I can see that now. I have no interest in divorce (because of children) but I wish the stupid maritital expectations were lifted. I would really prefer just a child-rearing partnership with complete freedom otherwise but you can't really do that according to existing societal and family expectations. I am sure that it is not my wife but the institution itself. I believe that most marriages crush one or both of the partners.

[fishbicycle]

The percentage of people who are truly happily married has got to be very small. In my own personal experience, I can't think of anybody I've ever known who was "happily married." The men bitched about their wives, behind their backs and/or to their faces, the wives bitched about their husbands, they argued and fought and had screaming matches, one or both had to escape by going out to get shitfaced at every opportunity, or taking up hobbies or clubs or coffee klatsches that took them out of the house as often as they could get out. Some had affairs. Multiple ones.

This is not my idea of what marriage is supposed to be. I got my ideas of what it was supposed to be by vowing that if it ever happened to me, I would not do any of the things I just listed. If my wife had not come into my life completely by accident, I would still be unmarried, waiting for proof that there was somebody out there who felt the same way about it. I got lucky. I moved 1200 miles to permanently be with the first woman I've ever known who was aware of how not to live in relationship hell. We are two happily married people. However, we don't socialize with any married couples, because all of the ones we know are having shitty marriages. We do not sympathize with them, and we do not want to get involved. We want to continue to have a happy marriage and a great friendship. and that is exactly what we are doing.

[pepperlandgirl]

Wow that's depressing.

FTR, I would count myself as part of the 10-25% that is genuinely happily married. I can't even imagine what it is about married life that people would find soul-crushing. Shagnasty, if you don't mind, could you elaborate a little? I mean, I know that my responsibility and loyalty to my husband has proven to be minor obstacles to me a few times, but they were mere specks of annoyance.

[Green Cymbeline]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

I am very skeptical of the traditional concept of marriage. I was warned at an early age that marriage is an absolute soul-crusher for men and I can see that now.

Why do you think it is a "soul-crusher?" How so?

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

I have no interest in divorce (because of children) but I wish the stupid maritital expectations were lifted.

What do you consider to be "stupid marital expectations?"

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

I would really prefer just a child-rearing partnership with complete freedom otherwise but you can't really do that according to existing societal and family expectations.

Complete freedom to do what? I can only assume you mean freedom to be with other people. Have you considered an open marriage or a polyamorous relationship? Would something like that work for you?

I know several younger couples, around my age (late 20s, early 30s) who have divorced. However, I know some that are strong and seem genuinely happy.

Most of the older couples I know, such as my parents, my dad's brother and wife, my mom's 2 brothers and their wives, and my mom's 3 sisters and their husbands, are the happiest and strongest marriages I have ever seen. Also, my two cousins who are married seem really happy in their marriages. So it seems there is some hope out there. Or maybe my family is just really lucky.

[Shagnasty]

To those above: First of all, I don't mean the desire to sleep with or be with other people at all. What I mean, and other men often mean, by "soul-crushing" is just the day in and day out expectations and nagging that accompany marriage. You lose your freedom. If you want to go see one of your friends on a Saturday morning, you can go but it may be met with the chatter of things that you should be doing or just plain critisism of what you are going to do or who you are seeing. It beats and wears on you after a while. I know it is not just my wife, most many married men have told me the same thing. That is one reason why so many men play golf or hunt. They want to be away from their wives as long as they can.

You could map out what an ideal marriage would look like from the outside and most of it would not appeal to me in the least. Those would include things like sitting down to dinner together every night, romantic dates, and vacations together. I don't care or want them. My wife and I have been together since we were 18. For the first 4 years, that stuff would have been great but now I don't care or want it. The only thing that I care about are my children and she is a good mother and I am a good father so that is all there is to it.

[pseudotriton ruber ruber]

I considered myself happily married for years, and unhappily married for about a year or so, when I was learning how unhappily-married my wife considered herself to be.

My point? That some small percentage who describe themselves right now as "happily married" probably won't feel that they were h.m. in 2004 ten years from now, but those who consider themselves u.m. probably won't change.

[Weirddave]

Wow. I feel sorry for a bunch of you. I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend time with than Ginger, if she were to drop off of the face of the earth tomorrow, not only wouldn't I be happy, there would be a huge hole in my life where the mayonnaise hating bitch used to be.

[faithfool]

Sadly, I echo much of what's already been said. To my knowledge I don't know *any* happily married couples. And if they started out that way, it didn't last very long.

[pokey]

Woah. I was going to guess 45% of marriages are happy because I'd figure most of the people who stay together want to stay together because they would be heartbroken without each other.

It's relative. People who are not "happy" every day with their partner might be even more miserable without their partner. I think if you can stand to live witih someone that should count as happy since you can maybe barelly stand to live alone either.

[The Composer]

Echoing Weirddave, I feel sorry for a lot of you, too. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, with kids, and neither of us could imagine life without the other. I simply can't relate to the term "unhappy marriage," although I do know some couples who are unhappy.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

To those above: First of all, I don't mean the desire to sleep with or be with other people at all. What I mean, and other men often mean, by "soul-crushing" is just the day in and day out expectations and nagging that accompany marriage. You lose your freedom. If you want to go see one of your friends on a Saturday morning, you can go but it may be met with the chatter of things that you should be doing or just plain critisism of what you are going to do or who you are seeing. It beats and wears on you after a while. I know it is not just my wife, most many married men have told me the same thing. That is one reason why so many men play golf or hunt. They want to be away from their wives as long as they can.

That's pretty sad, and not at all indicative of many of the marriages I know well enough to comment on, least of all my own.

[suranyi]

Wow, do I feel unusual, because I don't know of any UNHAPPY marriages!

In my entire extended family -- parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. -- there have been NO divorces.

I'm 42 years old and have never been married, though I really would like to be. The people around me who are married are all very happy.

Ed

[Heart On My Sleeve]

If "happily married" means your marriage living up to the expectations you had before marriage and the early part of marriage, most people will be disappointed. I've been married for 12 years, and sure we've had our ups and downs, but I cannot imagine wanting to be with anyone else, or wanting to be without him (you know, for more than a few days). He's my buddy and confidante, my vacation partner and my comic relief. Yet, sometimes we fight. Sometimes he's disappointed in me, and vice versa. We work through it, sometimes over and over. Just comes along with the territory. I consider that "happily married".

[Green Cymbeline]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

To those above: First of all, I don't mean the desire to sleep with or be with other people at all. What I mean, and other men often mean, by "soul-crushing" is just the day in and day out expectations and nagging that accompany marriage. You lose your freedom. If you want to go see one of your friends on a Saturday morning, you can go but it may be met with the chatter of things that you should be doing or just plain critisism of what you are going to do or who you are seeing. It beats and wears on you after a while. I know it is not just my wife, most many married men have told me the same thing. That is one reason why so many men play golf or hunt. They want to be away from their wives as long as they can.

You think that women don't get that shit too, in unhappy marriages/relationships? You are acting like only men have their "souls crushed" by "nagging" or that only women are "controlling." Well it goes both ways. Men/husbands/boyfriends are famous for being controlling about what their wives do, where they go, who they were with, etc. No spouse should have to get "permission" to live their lives, and loving spouses are open about what they do and respect their partner's wants.

If your wife is controlling and asks you 20 questions when you go to see your friends on a Saturday morning, then there is something wrong with your wife, not women in general. If she is criticizing you for hanging out with your friends, then there is something seriously wrong. I think your generalization that "most many married men have told me the same thing" is a huge exaggeration.

However, I can't help but wonder that if your wife is paranoid or untrusting when you go to hang out with your friends, is there a reason for this? Have you done something to erode her trust?

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

You could map out what an ideal marriage would look like from the outside and most of it would not appeal to me in the least. Those would include things like sitting down to dinner together every night, romantic dates, and vacations together. I don't care or want them. My wife and I have been together since we were 18. For the first 4 years, that stuff would have been great but now I don't care or want it.

This is just really sad. You seem really unhappy. Why do things like vacations together and romatic dates sound unappealing? Is it because you don't like your wife? Does your wife know you feel this way? If you did meet someone else who you were in love with, would you want to do these things?

Also, you keep saying you're a good father and that is why you stay in the marriage. But then you say you don't like sitting down to dinner every night or going on vacations together. Well I think having dinner and going on vacations as a family is a really important part of being a good father.

[fervour]

To those responding, Please include the length of time you've been married. It would help to put some perspective to your responses. As a happily partnered gay male, I think the first two years were the hardest ---trying to figure out what compromises we were willing to make with each other. I am a neatfreak living with a messy. I gave up trying to convert him and have learned to live in the mess. It's worked for 8 years. I realize I am not married and that this is a question for married people and I'm not trying to equate my experience with yours.

[Heart On My Sleeve]

Shagnasty, if you feel your wife constantly criticises you, I can see how that would wear you down. The question is, have you done something about it? Do you still "like" your wife? Are you willing to work it out? Have you asked her why she feels the need to criticise you? If she is "nagging" and crushing your soul, you and she both have a duty to figure out why this is happening and correct it, provided things are not beyond repair. Sincere good luck.

[Anaamika]

Originally Posted by Indygrrl

10%, and that's being generous.

I agree. If it's not about having all the wrong expectations, it's about trying to change people.

[pepperlandgirl]

Originally Posted by fervour

To those responding, Please include the length of time you've been married.

We've been married for 3 1/2 and living together for six years total.

Shagnasty that doesn't sound like a marital problem in general, that sounds like a personal problem. It sounds like your personal problem.

The only reason that I wanted to get married was to have kids because that is the most important thing to me.

Did you ever love you wife and want to be with her just because of who she is, or were you eyeing her uterus the entire time? No wonder you're miserable if all you wanted was a nanny and instead you got somebody who expects to be your partner.

The only thing that I care about are my children and she is a good mother and I am a good father so that is all there is to it.

Do you even see her as a woman with her own identity any more? And if you do, do you even like that woman? Really, if she left, could she just be replaced by a nice English nanny who will serve the exact same function?

[Lissla Lissar]

What I mean, and other men often mean, by "soul-crushing" is just the day in and day out expectations and nagging that accompany marriage. You lose your freedom.

Wow. I willingly exchanged complete freedom for loving commitment, knowing that meant that I would have to take into account my husband's desires and needs. It didn't seem like that big a sacrifice to me, compared with our mutual gain: a happy marriage. We both knew that

I've only been married for two years at Christmas, but we've been together for nearly six. We have had occasional fights, but we're very happy. Right now, I think I know at least six happily married couples. Three of them have been married for over twenty years. I don't think I know any actively unhappily married couples.

Wait- one of my best friends has unhappily married parents. I forgot about them. They're really nasty to each other all the time.

One out of maybe fifteen couples isn't bad, though.

[Left Hand of Dorkness]

Originally Posted by fervour

I realize I am not married and that this is a question for married people and I'm not trying to equate my experience with yours.

I don't want to hijack, so feel free to ignore me if you want, but your experiences seem absolutely in-line for the thread. Unless you and your partner can expect to pull up roots and leave at any time, then your relationship is equivalent.

I'm very happy being married, and I hope my wife is, too. We've been married about a year and a half now.

Daniel

[Tastes of Chocolate]

I and my SO have been living together for 12 years. After 5 mortgages, I think that's close enough to a marriage to count for this conversation. He was my friend before we moved in together, and I can't imagine not having him around. Yep, we have disagreements, and we enjoy time alone also. That doesn't mean we aren't happy, it means we are 2 different people. Just because we spend time apart doing different things doesn't mean we aren't happy.

Of 21 close friends/family marriages, 7 ended in divorce, 6 within 3 years. 3 of those were the same guy. 2 are currently what I would consider unhappy or strained.

So 67% still married. 86% of existing are happy.

I wonder if many of the "I'm going golfing/hunting/fishing/shopping to get away" marriages are the results of miscommunication as to what being married mean to the 2 people involved. Do they each understand what the other things is involved? Chores/kids/time together/time apart/money/family.......

[dangermom]

Been married or 9 years, female. I would say that we are very happy indeed, and it has gotten better with time. As one elderly lady said once, "it's the first ten years that are the hardest."

I have a bunch of brothers and whatnot (total of 5) that are now married, and they all seem quite happy. My folks are happy too, 35+ years. I would say that the majority of my good friends are happy. Thinking through people I know well enough to know something about the state of their marriages, I don't know anyone who I think is having serious problems, though I do wonder about a couple of people. Oh, except for DangerDad's coworkers--two of them just got divorced.

I have wished in the past that my friend would treat her husband better, but happily she does now, and I think they are doing much better than before. I know a woman who, when I first met her, was separated from her husband and thought they would end up divorcing, but he made some major changes, she did too, and now they are happier than before; she says it's like a whole new marriage.

I don't know what percentage I would say are really happy marriages. I am pretty sure that that 50% number in the OP is misleading. I have read (possibly from Cecil himself) that while 50% of marriages may end in divorce, that does not mean that 50% of married people in general will divorce, because there are people who divorce two or more times, thus claiming a bigger hunk of the statistics. Serial marry-ers account for a lot of that number.

[ccwaterback]

Years:

1 : 80%
2 : 60%
3 : 40%
4 : 30%
5 - 10 : 40%
10+ : 50%

[pravnik]

If the percentage is really so low, then why do we always see those studies that correlate greater physical health, longevity, or financial success to marriage? It must have something going for it.

[Ferret Herder]

Wow. My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 7 of them, and I'd call us happily married. Most of our friends are mutual friends. We figured out very early on (like in the first few months of dating) that each of us needs a bit of "self time" and we're good about letting each other have that. He's my best friend, a sweet, gentle, and loving guy. Coming home to him at night after work is always a great feeling.

[Dangerosa]

Happy. Will be 10 years in June (and we shacked up for two before that).

Deleriously, walking on air happy. No. Well, sometimes. Well, often, actually. And very occationally unhappy.

I did have an unhappy first marriage, so wasn't willing to settle. And had some realistic expectations, as well as a first husband who though sleeping around should be permitted, so perhaps my comparison bar is low.

[Lady of the Lake]

Married for a little more than one year.

Surprisingly happily married.

I don't agree with the 'soul crushing' comment - your marriage is what you agree to. My husband and I both have just as much freedom as before - but then we were *living together* after knowing each other only a week. To tell the truth, half of the time I don't know where he is on any given Saturday morning. *shrug* I hope he's doing something fun, but it's usually a hardware store or doing a project with his dad.

We're also good companions. My favorite type of evening is watching him play a playstation 2 or computer game (if I'm not playing one myself). I was looking for a man who would like games as much as I did, and I got lucky!

We've done a few things that most people would consider well 'death' for a marriage - dabbling in 'the lifestyle'. So far it's only made us more committed and a stronger couple.

However, we have no children and that could definately change things!

As for my friends, I would say half are happy, half are not...or half I can see headed into unhealthy patterns...

[CrazyCatLady]

Define "happy." No, seriously--if we're talking about people who are delirious with joy at the prospect of coming home to their partner every night, that number's going to be significantly lower than if we're talking about people who are contented/pleased with their marriages.

I'd say the percentage of people who are just hanging on for the kids/because they don't believe in divorce/hoping to outlive the bastard is pretty low...maybe ten percent of the surviving marriages. There's maybe another 10% that are on the rocks but not quite so dire as all that, so I'd guess 80% or so of all surviving marriages are at least contented with one another. Maybe 5% are delirious with joy, with the bulk of surviving marriages falling somewhere between content and delirious.

Re: bitching about your spouse. Bitching doesn't mean your relationship isn't a happy one. It means you're both human and get on each other's nerves sometimes. Everybody's got little habits that annoy the crap out of their loved ones. My husband, for instance, is congenitally incapable of closing a cabinet door or putting a new roll of toilet paper or paper towels in the dispenser. Drives me batshit, and yeah, I bitch about it to other people. It beats the hell out of picking a fight with him about something so trivial, especially since it's also something that's unlikely to ever change. There's probably a dozen little things I do that irritate him but not enough to pick a fight over, and I'm sure he bitches about them to his friends. Near as I can tell, we're pretty happy most of the time. Not delirious, because we're both often tired and stressed and don't get to see each other when we're awake all that often, but still happy.

And about this whole "loss of freedom" thing--of course you've lost some of your freedom, because now there's someone else's needs to consider and those needs limit your options. The same thing happened, and probably to a larger extent, when you had kids. When you've got a spouse, and especially when you've got kids, all your decisions affect them in some way, so you don't always get to do whatever you want whenever you want. If having your options limited by your family's needs is soul-crushing to you, then you're clearly not suited to marriage and especially not parent-hood.

[CrazyCatLady]

Oh, married just shy of two years, together for just shy of 10.

[Qadgop the Mercotan]

Happy after 23 years of marriage. The last 10 have been particularly fun.

Unfortunately we don't know many couples like us.

[jsgoddess]

Originally Posted by fervour

It's worked for 8 years. I realize I am not married and that this is a question for married people and I'm not trying to equate my experience with yours.

fervour, you've been together for 8 years. You may not have a marriage certificate, but I'd called you married.

If you don't want to be married, of course, um, sorry. You're married.


I'm happily married. Sure, my husband can cramp my style on occasion, at least, he would if I had a style to cramp. But he's my favorite person in the world. If he wants to go somewhere on a Saturday morning, or any other morning, he's free to do so. I'm free to go, too, though he might invite himself along. We rarely do anything alone. We're actually rather scary.

My mother has 11 siblings. 10 married. No divorces. I have over 50 first cousins on that side. No divorces. I find that remarkable.

[Thudlow Boink]

Originally Posted by Shagnasty

A very high percentage of marriages end in divorce. Most estimates are around 50%.

Worth keeping in mind: It's been pointed out before, but the percentage of marriages that end in divorce, and the percentage of married people who get divorced, are two very different things, because of some people going through multiple marriages. For example, if there are 100 people in the world, and 80 of them marry for life, and the other 20 marry and divorce 4 times each, then 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Likewise, there's a difference between the percentage of marriages that are happy, and the percentage of married people who are happy in their marriages.

[WordMan]

This thread reminds me of a favorite New Yorker cartoon: a couple are sitting in front of a marraige counselor's desk and she is saying to them: "Contrary to your experiences, your actually happily married."

My point? Marriage is, like, the ultimate place to find yourself thinking the grass is greener. The grinding points stand out and the little celebrations can easily get lost.

Married 12 years, together 14. First 3 years were very, very tough, but it has gotten better pretty much every year since then. My respect for my wife deepens.

I know a variety of married couples - some are happy and talk that way, some are fundamentally happy but bitch around the margins, some are unhappy but put on a happy face, and some are unhappy and make that very clear to one and all....

[longhair75]

good evening frends,

count me among those are happily married. i have been with the incomparable sunflower since may 19, 1972.

i look forward to the end of the workday because i know she will be there when i get home. she keeps me warm when it's cold, dry when it's wet and brave when it's frightening.

[fishbicycle]

Having read all the posts in this thread, I feel a bit compelled to elaborate. Lest anyone think my wife and I are living in some fantasy land, we worked all of this out before we got married. We talked and talked about what we expected, what we hoped for, what we wished we could have, and what we didn't want, and how we could achieve it. My parents had a rotten marriage, a large percentage of my relatives have been divorced or suffered through rotten marriages for Og only knows what reasons besides the kids. My wife's parents have a very strange marriage and relationship - the mom is more than a bit of a nutbar, and dad, while the saner and more reasonable of the two, has some ways about him that would drive anybody up the wall. The two of them drive each other batty with their personality quirks, and none of us can figure out the real reason why they stay together.

These scenarios, combined with all the other weirdness we've both seen in other relationships, are why we decided that since we were drawn together for such wonderful reasons, that we should try as hard as possible to have a really nice marriage. I could not suffer through a horrible marriage, and I could not be the kind of man that would do that typical, if stereotypical, guy stuff that makes women crazy upset. We established some ground rules. Neither of us is the other's boss. Neither of us tells the other what to do. We are free to do whatever we like that isn't stupid or destructive to the marriage. My wife is a very smart woman; she has a lot of common sense and dignity as a person, and I respect her enormously. The opportunity to be her husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I treat her accordingly. She's my best friend in the world, and I am not going to behave in ways that would erode that friendship, trust and love. I don't know that I could ever find it elsewhere, so I am determined not to screw it up. I want to be her friend. I want her to love me. I don't do anything that's going to cause that to stop happening. She does the same for me in return.

It took a couple of years to iron out the kinks. We had to review the statement of purpose a few times and have some words. But we have never had a fight. We don't argue with each other, or drive each other nuts. She knows me now, and she'll tell you if you ask that I'm a pretty darned good husband - even though I had no experience at it. We're not giddy happy about being married to each other, we're comfortably and securely happy about it. When we come home each day, it's really nice to be here with each other. There are no bad memories of ugly scenes in our home. No doors have been slammed, there has been no shouting. We really love each other and appreciate that we've found a partner as level headed as we each are. Considering other folks we've witnessed, we are each acutely aware of how lucky we are to have each other. There is not now, nor will there ever be, any "soul crushing" going on in our lives.

Excuse me, I'm going to go scratch her back and tickle her and kiss her a bunch.

[kunilou]

We just celebrated our 24th anniversary, and while it hasn't been perfect, I've had a hell of a lot more good times than bad.

Too many men (and I'll bet a bunch of women) blame everything that goes wrong in their lives on marriage. "If I wasn't stuck with a wife and kids I'd sail around the world/be a pro ballplayer/write the great American novel/etc."

What a load of crap. They'd all still be pushing papers in an office, or making a sales call or working on an assembly line. They'd just have to find something else to blame.

[Bricker]

Happily married since 2000.

I could not imagine living without Mrs. Bricker. Somehow I did it for years, but I sure wouldn't want to try again. She makes my heart sing like an April day on the wings of spring.

Some comments from above suggest that marriage is a confining experience somehow. I liken it to being "trapped" in the world's greatest amusement park. Sure, the only rides you can go on are the ones in the park, but... who'd want to go anywhere else?

[RickJay]

Incidentally, if I was not sufficiently clear, happily married here. Six years.

I do think though that most married couples are unhappy. I really, truly cannot personally relate to sentiments like "I wish I could spend more time with my friends and away from my spouse" or "I feel trapped" and "She nags me when I go out," etc. etc. I spend most of my free time with Mrs. RickJay, though that often just means doing errands and sitting around the house, me playing on the computer while she watches decorating shows. No nagging, no bitching. I guess we're lucky. I don't feel trapped, but then I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm supposed to be able to have if I didn't have her. Having sex with other women? Been there, done them.

Like Bricker, I lived fine without my wife, but now that I have her life without her would be terribly empty and sad.

[Scarlett67]

Originally Posted by jsgoddess

I'm happily married. Sure, my husband can cramp my style on occasion, at least, he would if I had a style to cramp. But he's my favorite person in the world. If he wants to go somewhere on a Saturday morning, or any other morning, he's free to do so. I'm free to go, too, though he might invite himself along. We rarely do anything alone. We're actually rather scary.

Word. Married 15 years next summer, shacked up for 1 before that, happy as clams. People told us when we'd been together a month that we seemed like an old married couple. We just fit. Our rare fights are amazingly trivial and over with quickly because we hate to fight. Our key word is "compromise": better to have both of us content than one ecstatic over a "victory" and the other unhappy and sulking. We are scary also -- very much prefer to do things together.

Some of the stories in this thread are just incredibly sad.

[kniz]

Male. Happily married since June 22, 1963.

Here is a survey (PDF).

• 5153 couples said they were happily married.
• 5127 said they were unhappily married.

You do the math.

[Primaflora]

Married 13 years, together 15.

Incredibly stressful life together with kids with multiple disabilities but we are happy together. We fight, we bicker, we're completely unreasonable at times but overall it is a happy marriage.

Can't imagine doing this with someone I wasn't happy with.

[Snarky_Kong]

Originally Posted by pravnik

If the percentage is really so low, then why do we always see those studies that correlate greater physical health, longevity, or financial success to marriage? It must have something going for it.

They need to live longer to spite the other one.

This is a seriously depressing thread.

[Stonebow]

Male, married for almost 5 years to my lady FaerieBeth, together for about 7 1/2.

I have never been happier in my life, and it seems to get better every day. That's not to say that we don't have disagreements, but on the whole, there is no one I'd rather be with to do anything, or nothing at all. She is my best friend, and I find it remarkable that this is reciprocated totally. It has ever really occurred to me that I might need 'space' or 'time away'...though I have never felt that I was unable to pursue something because of her. True, a lot of my activities are dictated by my family obligations...but that's all part of being a family. I get a whole lot more back than I put in.

Of course, we are lucky- we share the same interests and hobbies, have the same sense of humor, and I love to experience the world through her eyes as much as I can. In point of fact, I wish we could spend more time together...even though we freak out most of our friends with our togetherness. We're always considered the 'newlyweds' in our circle of friends...but i think we've gotten closer, and the 'fire' burns hotter today than it did 5 years ago.

As for the percentage of happy couple...I imagine that there's a sizable percentage of 'content' or 'apathetic' couples, but a very small percentage of 'very happy' couples, based on my own observations.

I'm always surprised at this though. We've gotten past the point of arranged marriages, political marriages, even the need to marry due to pregnancy...The western conception of the Love-match is a beautiful thing to me (lots of arranged marriages in my family). But so many of the married people I know act like they just fell in it. Like, there was nothing else to do, so they grabbed the first person they saw and went to the altar. And then they wonder why they aren't happy.

[tanookie]

Originally Posted by fishbicycle

Having read all the posts in this thread, I feel a bit compelled to elaborate. Lest anyone think my wife and I are living in some fantasy land, we worked all of this out before we got married. We talked and talked about what we expected, what we hoped for, what we wished we could have, and what we didn't want, and how we could achieve it.

My husband and I have been happily married 8 years and together for 13. I really want to highlight the above quote. I really wonder how many people discuss these things before marriage. I have seen so many of my friends' relationships implode because they just weren't looking at marriage realistically. We discussed how to handle money, what our long term goals were for work, children, travel, life, how we felt household responsibilities should be handled.....

Life changes as you live it. We've negotiated the changes almost completely without arguments. He's my best friend and I love being with him. We don't have dinner at the table together every night and each of us has interests the other doesn't participate in but this doesn't mean we don't like being with eachother. The "Ideal Marriage" alluded to earlier in the thread doesn't exist. You have to find what works for the two people involved. Then you factor in the kids if you have them (Boy have they changed our lives!) Trying to conform to someone else's standards is a recipe for disaster.

I know very few people who are happily married. I've been wondering if we are the only ones! We've talked about this a lot. Many of the unhappy marriages we know are the results of either infidelity or unrealistic expectations. Marriage isn't all the honeymoon phase!

[Tiggrkitty]

Wow. This thread is a real downer.

Count Cardsfan and I, in the happily married bracket. After 8 years together, we still make each other laugh every single day and are each other's best friend. I couldn't imagine staying married to someone I wasn't happy with. What a drag that must be.