A very high percentage of marriages end in divorce. Most estimates are around 50%. I have to assume that all of those were not happy at least in the end. Of the other 50% of married couples that stay together, I assume that many of those are also unhappy but choose to stay together for whatever reason. What do you think the chances are for a randomly selected married couple to have a mostly happy and satisfying marriage?
10%, and that’s being generous.
I’ll raise my hand and say my marriage is mostly happy. I can certainly see myself with her for the rest of my life. See my most recent post in the “what is love thread”
Oh and I consider myself a damn good husband as well! 
I’m with Indygrrl. I’m married to a very nice woman, but I am not “happily married”. We are good friends and can tolerate living together, but if I had known when I married her what “Married Life” would be like. I would not have done it and if it wasn’t for the kids I’d be somewhere else. 
Comparing them against my own marriage, I’d say it’s fairly low. Maybe not 10%, but 25% sounds like the max. Most married couples I see are horrid to each other to an extent that Mrs. RickJay and I would consider unthinkable.
Just for the record I, the OP, am also married. My wife is an absolute specimen to be holdhold by most people’s standards: gorgeous, smart, and from a multimillionaire family. I am from a family where most people have multiple marriages. The only reason that I wanted to get married was to have kids because that is the most important thing to me. I am very skeptical of the traditional concept of marriage. I was warned at an early age that marriage is an absolute soul-crusher for men and I can see that now. I have no interest in divorce (because of children) but I wish the stupid maritital expectations were lifted. I would really prefer just a child-rearing partnership with complete freedom otherwise but you can’t really do that according to existing societal and family expectations. I am sure that it is not my wife but the institution itself. I believe that most marriages crush one or both of the partners.
The percentage of people who are truly happily married has got to be very small. In my own personal experience, I can’t think of anybody I’ve ever known who was “happily married.” The men bitched about their wives, behind their backs and/or to their faces, the wives bitched about their husbands, they argued and fought and had screaming matches, one or both had to escape by going out to get shitfaced at every opportunity, or taking up hobbies or clubs or coffee klatsches that took them out of the house as often as they could get out. Some had affairs. Multiple ones.
This is not my idea of what marriage is supposed to be. I got my ideas of what it was supposed to be by vowing that if it ever happened to me, I would not do any of the things I just listed. If my wife had not come into my life completely by accident, I would still be unmarried, waiting for proof that there was somebody out there who felt the same way about it. I got lucky. I moved 1200 miles to permanently be with the first woman I’ve ever known who was aware of how not to live in relationship hell. We are two happily married people. However, we don’t socialize with any married couples, because all of the ones we know are having shitty marriages. We do not sympathize with them, and we do not want to get involved. We want to continue to have a happy marriage and a great friendship. and that is exactly what we are doing.
Wow that’s depressing.
FTR, I would count myself as part of the 10-25% that is genuinely happily married. I can’t even imagine what it is about married life that people would find soul-crushing. Shagnasty, if you don’t mind, could you elaborate a little? I mean, I know that my responsibility and loyalty to my husband has proven to be minor obstacles to me a few times, but they were mere specks of annoyance.
Why do you think it is a “soul-crusher?” How so?
What do you consider to be “stupid marital expectations?”
Complete freedom to do what? I can only assume you mean freedom to be with other people. Have you considered an open marriage or a polyamorous relationship? Would something like that work for you?
I know several younger couples, around my age (late 20s, early 30s) who have divorced. However, I know some that are strong and seem genuinely happy.
Most of the older couples I know, such as my parents, my dad’s brother and wife, my mom’s 2 brothers and their wives, and my mom’s 3 sisters and their husbands, are the happiest and strongest marriages I have ever seen. Also, my two cousins who are married seem really happy in their marriages. So it seems there is some hope out there. Or maybe my family is just really lucky.
To those above: First of all, I don’t mean the desire to sleep with or be with other people at all. What I mean, and other men often mean, by “soul-crushing” is just the day in and day out expectations and nagging that accompany marriage. You lose your freedom. If you want to go see one of your friends on a Saturday morning, you can go but it may be met with the chatter of things that you should be doing or just plain critisism of what you are going to do or who you are seeing. It beats and wears on you after a while. I know it is not just my wife, most many married men have told me the same thing. That is one reason why so many men play golf or hunt. They want to be away from their wives as long as they can.
You could map out what an ideal marriage would look like from the outside and most of it would not appeal to me in the least. Those would include things like sitting down to dinner together every night, romantic dates, and vacations together. I don’t care or want them. My wife and I have been together since we were 18. For the first 4 years, that stuff would have been great but now I don’t care or want it. The only thing that I care about are my children and she is a good mother and I am a good father so that is all there is to it.
I considered myself happily married for years, and unhappily married for about a year or so, when I was learning how unhappily-married my wife considered herself to be.
My point? That some small percentage who describe themselves right now as “happily married” probably won’t feel that they were h.m. in 2004 ten years from now, but those who consider themselves u.m. probably won’t change.
Wow. I feel sorry for a bunch of you. I can’t imagine anyone I’d rather spend time with than Ginger, if she were to drop off of the face of the earth tomorrow, not only wouldn’t I be happy, there would be a huge hole in my life where the mayonnaise hating bitch used to be.
Sadly, I echo much of what’s already been said. To my knowledge I don’t know any happily married couples. And if they started out that way, it didn’t last very long.
Woah. I was going to guess 45% of marriages are happy because I’d figure most of the people who stay together want to stay together because they would be heartbroken without each other.
It’s relative. People who are not “happy” every day with their partner might be even more miserable without their partner. I think if you can stand to live witih someone that should count as happy since you can maybe barelly stand to live alone either.
Echoing Weirddave, I feel sorry for a lot of you, too. My wife and I have a wonderful marriage, with kids, and neither of us could imagine life without the other. I simply can’t relate to the term “unhappy marriage,” although I do know some couples who are unhappy.
That’s pretty sad, and not at all indicative of many of the marriages I know well enough to comment on, least of all my own.
Wow, do I feel unusual, because I don’t know of any UNHAPPY marriages!
In my entire extended family – parents, siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. – there have been NO divorces.
I’m 42 years old and have never been married, though I really would like to be. The people around me who are married are all very happy.
Ed
If “happily married” means your marriage living up to the expectations you had before marriage and the early part of marriage, most people will be disappointed. I’ve been married for 12 years, and sure we’ve had our ups and downs, but I cannot imagine wanting to be with anyone else, or wanting to be without him (you know, for more than a few days). He’s my buddy and confidante, my vacation partner and my comic relief. Yet, sometimes we fight. Sometimes he’s disappointed in me, and vice versa. We work through it, sometimes over and over. Just comes along with the territory. I consider that “happily married”.
You think that women don’t get that shit too, in unhappy marriages/relationships? You are acting like only men have their “souls crushed” by “nagging” or that only women are “controlling.” Well it goes both ways. Men/husbands/boyfriends are famous for being controlling about what their wives do, where they go, who they were with, etc. No spouse should have to get “permission” to live their lives, and loving spouses are open about what they do and respect their partner’s wants.
If your wife is controlling and asks you 20 questions when you go to see your friends on a Saturday morning, then there is something wrong with your wife, not women in general. If she is criticizing you for hanging out with your friends, then there is something seriously wrong. I think your generalization that “most many married men have told me the same thing” is a** huge** exaggeration.
However, I can’t help but wonder that if your wife is paranoid or untrusting when you go to hang out with your friends, is there a reason for this? Have you done something to erode her trust?
This is just really sad. You seem really unhappy. Why do things like vacations together and romatic dates sound unappealing? Is it because you don’t like your wife? Does your wife know you feel this way? If you did meet someone else who you were in love with, would you want to do these things?
Also, you keep saying you’re a good father and that is why you stay in the marriage. But then you say you don’t like sitting down to dinner every night or going on vacations together. Well I think having dinner and going on vacations as a family is a really important part of being a good father.
To those responding, Please include the length of time you’ve been married. It would help to put some perspective to your responses. As a happily partnered gay male, I think the first two years were the hardest —trying to figure out what compromises we were willing to make with each other. I am a neatfreak living with a messy. I gave up trying to convert him and have learned to live in the mess. It’s worked for 8 years. I realize I am not married and that this is a question for married people and I’m not trying to equate my experience with yours.