Do you think a lot of people get married because it just seems like the thing people should do?
If marriage was no long held up as an ideal for people to pursue, do you think people would still gravitate towards it? Is it a natural thing, or something people have imposed on themselves because that’s just how it’s always been done?
On the whole, in regards to just happiness and personal fulfillment, does marriage increase these things or does it gobble them up? Would society be better off with a different kind of arrangement, or is this truly the ideal?
Without the benefit of marriage, my SO and I have been together 32 years…and yes, it does most certainly increase happiness to be partnered.
I am hoping all goes well with Gay marriage - it won’t change our relationship, but it will give us equal “legal” rights that are probably only important when you realize you don’t/can’t have them.
I am not saying single people can’t have a happy life - many are very, very happy being single. But having a partner to share the good and the bad is something you appreciate when you have it.
Meeting, falling in love with, and marrying my wife is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I write that without ignoring our months-long estrangement.
Since this is IMHO, I will say that yes, it does. For me, being married to my wife has tamed me of my more reckless ways. I am much more focused on healthy things than pre-wife times. I had a lot of fun doing whatever I wanted when I was single, but being in this loving, committed partnership has given me stability. I have seen the same with my buddies who are also happily married to great women. My friends are better men now.
I contribute more to society because I have a happy marriage. Emotionally, I have a lot more to give to other people because my husband has my back at home: as a teacher, my relationships are pretty inherently more give than take (and they should be) but that’s ok because at home I am appreciated.
On a practical level, pair-bonding allows for a much larger array of financial arrangements that I just don’t think would be possible without the legal protections of marriage. For example, my parents have both at different times taken a risky job at a low paying start-up, hoping it would pay off. They couldn’t have done that if there wasn’t a second solid income. Or if someone wants to be a partner in a law-firm–they really need a spouse that will commit to taking over the household so as they can work 80 hours a week for 10 years. Or one spouse supporting the other through school, or through a fantastic but low paying internship.
I agree that for an individual, a good marriage works out financially.
But I also can think of a ton of scenarios where a marriage can screw someone up totally.
An excellent job opportunity presents itself in another state, but your spouse can’t move. So you miss out on your perfect job.
Or you could take that low-paying but rewarding job, but you can’t because your spouse wants a financially equal partner, someone who can help them build X, Y, or Z.
Or you want to work a normal 9-to-5, so you can actually take full advantage of your leisure time. But you have to work two jobs because your spouse can’t find work, and you not only have to pay your bills but his/hers as well.
Or you could work 70 hour weeks and become partner at the law firm, but your spouse actually wants to see you on a regular basis and have a life with you. Or your spouse is graduating from school and needs to keep their geographical options open while doing their job search. You can only be as ambitious as your partner wants you to be, when you are in a marriage.
None of these scenarios requires anyone to be the “bad” guy. They just happen. And they must happen a lot since money is the number-one reason couples can’t seem to make their relationships work.
Marriage, like many partnerships, sometimes requires compromise and sacrifice. If on the whole, both halves are better off, then it’s a very good thing. If either half begins to feel that he/she isn’t getting out of it what they put it, it begins to become a bad thing. Sometimes, people simply grow apart and go beyond the point that it can be fixed. In those cases, it’s probably best to part ways. When or if that point is ever reached depends very much on the two people involved and the kind of relationship they have.
Financial stress can be a very difficult hurdle but it’s not always the hardest to overcome. Regardless of the issue, it’s still a matter of whether the two people can (want to) work out a reasonable solution.
So is marriage a good thing? Well, I guess the best answer is: it depends on the marriage.
It’s not just marriage: all of these could apply, to a greater or lesser extent, to anyone who has connections, ties, relationships, a family. Yet few people want to live a completely independent life, without ties to family or community.
It is not a “one size fits all” answer. Yes, if an individual is in a great marriage it can increase happiness. I knew of one man that could not wait to get home from work to see his wife. On the other hand, I have known of polar opposite situations, where one spouse is anxious to leave, but perhaps because of young children, financial reasons, etc. they cannot. I have known of several people that have been unhappy for ten or more years and have not left their spouses. Sometimes I think it’s hard to leave even when you are unhappy, simply because people do not like change, and do not want to go through a divorce especially if it is complicated. On the other hand, some people do leave a marriage after 30 years and start anew. To sum it up, I would say marriage to the right person would be the best situation, but marriage to the wrong person, would be misery. Being single is not so bad, and it doesn’t have that negative stigma anymore.
I read a discussion of studies on this once. Apparently there was a study that found that marriage, in general decreases happiness. But then it turns out that people who are separated and divorced counted as “married” in the study, so, you know.
I’d say that, as with childcare, good marriage is good for people and bad marriage is bad for people.
I’d also say that a good marriage depends in part on having two people who both want to be happily married. If you don’t think that’s for you, then you’re probably happier unmarried.
They don’t “just happen”. They happen because people marry someone that isn’t a good match for them, or because they lack the communication skills to make sure that everyone is getting what they really need.
I guess I think of it like comparative advantage in economics. It’s well known that if two countries specialize in what they produce most efficiently and then trade with each other, BOTH countries end up able to consume more goods than they would be able to produce on their own: everyone wins. Marriage–a good marriage–works the same way. Allowing people to specialize in what makes them most happy opens up a lot of possibilities. I could not be the mother I want to be, be the teacher I want to be, be the person I want to be all on my own. There aren’t enough hours in the day. My marriage allows me to move closer to that goal.
This is not to say that everyone has to be married, or would be happier married. But there are real benefits to the institution for many people.
You can chose to not stay close to a spouse, and, added bonus, you got to chose the spouse in the first place.
Are we talking being in a relationship or being married?
Because a lot (not all) of what’s being said upthread is just about two people being in love with each other…
What I’d like to know is, does signing a legal document obligating yourself to another person make one happier? Excluding, financial benefits.*
I think philosophically, being together and NOT getting married is a more profound statement of love. If two people are together it’s because they WANT to be and not because of some obligation.
There are exceptions to this of course.
/Shakes, <—Has been divorced!
Saying “financial stuff aside” is like saying “Why isn’t Mexico a popular tourist destination right now? Crime aside.”
Marriage is and always has been a economic relationship. It’s committing to organizing your finances around a household instead of an individual. It’s committing to shared financial goals. You wouldn’t shouldn’t couldn’t do that if the household was not recognized legally.
I didn’t get married to make a “profound statement of love”. I got married because I wanted the law to recognize that my relationship with my husband is a familial relationship, and that he is in fact more my family than my parents or siblings are.
I did live with my husband before we married. I didn’t love him any less then. But we weren’t an economic unit.
If anyone has read The Myth of Happiness, there was a study done and results were Happiness level of marrieds=level of singles. And those two categories (obviously) exceeded those who were separated/divorced/widowed.
The key here as folks mentioned: a good marriage and not a terrible one