I Am So Glad I Am Not A Teenager

[DMark]

I haven’t been a teenager for decades, and really have little to do with kids that age. However, the other night I was at my local casino here in Las Vegas and they have a multiplex cinema with 10 screens and a food court. You don’t have to be 21 to go to the movies or eat at the food court. I happened to be there having a burger and casually observed about 50 or so teenagers hanging out before, or after one of the films. It brought back all the memories of high school, and the horror of it all.

It was obvious who the “cool” kids were; who the “in” girls and “cute” guys were. It was also obvious how much this seemed to matter. I had forgotten that. Little fringe pockets of less attractive, less popular kids stood on the sidelines, watching the others. You could see it in their faces – they were not up to par; they were not equals. The cool kids knew they were being watched by the others even as they pretended not to notice.

Just like when I was in high school, the cool guys were the tallest, best looking and most athletic; the cool girls all had the perfect hair, figure, makeup and hip-hugger jeans with exposed belly (and quite a few had belly button piercing). But even in that group, you could see the shorter girls checking out the taller ones; all the while the class studs were busy impressing their guy friends and pretending not to notice the Britney Spears look-alike fan club standing about three feet away.

A couple of nerdish guys seemed oblivious to it all, but for the rest of them, it didn’t take a sociologist to figure out the social status of the various groups. The only thing I did notice is that there was at least a nice racial mix in each of the groups. I guess that is progress, but otherwise it all seemed so sadly familiar.

I suppose this is a rite of passage. Nothing has changed since the days I was there. If only these kids had a clue how unimportant this was all going to be in just a few years.

[Shagnasty]

Those that don't get killed in a drunken car crash on prom night will figure it out eventually. It is sad that the teenage years are like that. Even people that were "popular" often report later what hell it was for them too. Teenagers truly live in this bizarre world of social rules and status that just goes away one day. I am glad I am long out of it too. I have had nightmares where I was back in high school but I still knew what I know today. It sounds good but it was terrible because everyone else was still the same and I still had to play by the old rules while knowing better.

[AwSnappity]

Having just recently left teenager-dom (I'm 20), I can say that it was much, much worse in middle school (early teenage years) than in high school (later teenage years). At least at my particular schools. The groups seemed way more separated and everyone tried way harder to be cool. At my particular high school, everyone seemed to find a group that worked for them, and there were only a few people who were really dying for that certain "cool" status.

My sister's at that age where your entire life depends on being cool. And she looks like every single one of her friends. Ugh. I echo what you say about being glad that I'm not part of that.

[Largo62]

If I were offered the choice of going back to high school (returning to my teenage self) or stepping into the Great Void, I would opt of oblivion every time. My teen years were the worst time of my life. I wouldn't wish that on anybody.

[Barbarian]

If I could go back to being a teen knowing what I do now, I'd take it, if only because I'd be able to destroy the high school at age 13 and not be tried as an adult.

[Scissorjack]

As the OP noted, what's funny {or sad} is that they don't even know that it won't matter in 10 years time: the jocks will be pumping gas somewhere, divorced from the alcoholic prom queen and saddled with maintenance payments for their 3 children, while the nerds will be qualified engineers and able to buy and sell them.

My time at high school {20 years ago now} wasn't too bad, the quality of my education excepted, but I definitely fell into the nerd camp, and had my share of bullying. {I suspect NZ high schools aren't quite as cliquey as American ones} I avoid organised re-unions like the plague - I stay in touch with my friends, and I don't care about anyone else - but it's always fun catching up on the gossip. The captain of the First XV? In jail now - he was driving a truck, but took to drink after his second divorce, got fired, and was then busted after his third DIC.

Meanwhile, your humble correspondent has had a fantastic time working, studying, travelling the world, spending 7 years in Japan, and now has a beautiful wife and son, and a well-paying job he enjoys. Truly, happiness is the best form of revenge. Mind you, I'm 5'11" now {I was always the short spotty one in school} and lift weights, so childish fantasies of attending a reunion and exacting a more direct form of revenge occasionally entertain me...

If only you could take the "uncool" kids aside and explain this to them...

[davenportavenger]

I don't even like to go to the movies and mall on weekend nights because I know they'll be full of teenagers and I still hate being around them, after all the years since high school. I guess it hasn't been long enough since graduation, maybe I'll be desensitized to it after another five years.

I'd love to say that I'm one of those uncool kids that made a success of herself, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. They may have a job pumping gas, but I'm unemployed. They may spend all their time with drunken loser friends, but I've got no real friends. Can't wait for that "success" thing to catch up with me.

[Ephemera]

Originally Posted by AwSnappity

Having just recently left teenager-dom (I'm 20), I can say that it was much, much worse in middle school (early teenage years) than in high school (later teenage years). At least at my particular schools. The groups seemed way more separated and everyone tried way harder to be cool. At my particular high school, everyone seemed to find a group that worked for them, and there were only a few people who were really dying for that certain "cool" status.

I'm 22 and remember it much the same way. Thankfully, I didn't care and didn't let my unpopularity, or apopularity to coin a phrase, bother me and hence I don't hold any bitter memories towards those six years like some in this thread seem to. It was just something I did in the mornings before coming home to watch TV to me.

Of course, that's hurting me now as I goofed off, didn't prepare for the real world, and am now very very lucky to have the job and boss I have instead of having the skills and education to find a better one. Not to mention the total dearth of friends.

Not all the uncool kids go on to be successes.

[Wesley Clark]

Originally Posted by AwSnappity

Having just recently left teenager-dom (I'm 20), I can say that it was much, much worse in middle school (early teenage years) than in high school (later teenage years). At least at my particular schools. The groups seemed way more separated and everyone tried way harder to be cool. At my particular high school, everyone seemed to find a group that worked for them, and there were only a few people who were really dying for that certain "cool" status.

My sister's at that age where your entire life depends on being cool. And she looks like every single one of her friends. Ugh. I echo what you say about being glad that I'm not part of that.

Same here, grades 6-8 were alot more clique-ish than 9-12. The cliques in high school were not that strong where I went, but the middle school cliques were really strong. I even inventend a rating system of 1-4.5 of coolness since it was so obvious in the air. I was a 2.5.

I hope real world work environments arent like this.

[ParentalAdvisory]

Originally Posted by Wesley Clark

I hope real world work environments arent like this.

Yep, it is. But not to a huge degree. Everything from work, to adult recreational activities still form social groups. And if you don't conform, you're still the odd ball.

[Chimpy]

I'm still in the teen years, and am not one of the "Cool" kids, but to be honest I'm perfectly happy in the social standing I am. I have lots of friends, who are also not "cool," and generally enjoy life. So what the hell, I'm not changing for a societal system that will bear no relevance to life in a couple of years.

[Oregon sunshine]

I wonder if homeschooling does anything to dispel the social bullshit of teenhood. I have a friend who homeschools her kids because she swears that public schools are the source of the fascist social rules that cripple kids' self esteem and/or empathy.

That said, I fondly remember my 10 year high school reunion... At 27, I was younger than everyone else, looked better than most of the formerly popular chicks, and was also the only one who didn't bring a date. I'm not even sure, anymore, why I went. I think I was hoping to see the three people who'd been nice to me throughout school (none of them attended). But, what was cool was that the Most Picked On Girl At My School (me) got asked to dance by all the Popular Jock Dudes who mostly wouldn't even look my way back in high school (except, occasionally, to ask to sit near me during a test, which I would always say no to), and propositioned by one of them.

I said no to that too.

[fishbicycle]

I haven't been a teenager in 26 years, thank Og and his brother! And I don't miss it a bit. There were whole strata of people with whom I was unqualified to associate in high school. I never even knew who the really popular crowd was. But I grew up in a tiny little town, where cool had not reached yet. It wasn't about being cool then. It was certainly about popularity, but there was nothing in the way of designer clothes or the latest electronic devices you carried to make you cooler than the next person. It just seems I was absent on the day when they explained to everyone how to "belong." So I had to find ways to muddle through it without belonging. I survived. I knew deep down that that stuff didn't matter in the long run, but try telling that to a bunch of kids. I can't imagine being one today. For lots of them, it must be just awful running in the race to be somebody. And it doesn't matter whether they make it, because one day it doesn't matter anymore.

[Jervoise]

Originally Posted by Case Sensitive

As the OP noted, what's funny {or sad} is that they don't even know that it won't matter in 10 years time: the jocks will be pumping gas somewhere, divorced from the alcoholic prom queen and saddled with maintenance payments for their 3 children, while the nerds will be qualified engineers and able to buy and sell them.

IME, the most popular kids at school were generally intelligent, had good interpersonal skills, high self-esteem and a confident manner. These qualities have enabled them to succeed in adulthood. For every brutish sportsman who failed, there's a score of charming, outgoing and popular kids who grew up to become successful professionals.

Plenty of unpopular kids succeeded too. The difference being some of them still carry around a big ol' chip on their shoulders.

[Little Nemo]

Let's not kid ourselves. Social cliques are a fact of life at every age. They just seem bigger in high school because: everything seems more important in adolescence; people learn to be more subtle as they get older; and cliques are freer to segregate themselves in adult enviroments.

[AwSnappity]

Originally Posted by Jervoise

IME, the most popular kids at school were generally intelligent, had good interpersonal skills, high self-esteem and a confident manner. These qualities have enabled them to succeed in adulthood.

Jervoise brings up a good point. A lot of the really popular kids at my old HS did very well in school, along with all the rest. I wouldn't be surprised if several of them were doing a lot better than I am now. Of course we had the kids who were dumb as bricks and all of that, but in general everyone at my [public] school was fairly bright, and the popular ones were even moreso.

[Gadfly]

::marches in, takes one look at thread title, retreats::

[Sunspace]

Oh boy. School cliques.

*twitch*

While I was bullied from kindergarten on, in grade six and before, I seem to remember being much more myself. I had a couple of friends, and things were sort of stable.

In grades 7 and 8, however.... we were bussed from all over town to a senior public school that was only 7 and 8. And that school was an island of hell on earth. We ran up against kids we'd never seen before and would never see again, we were often far from our homes, trapped on the school grounds, and there was the freedom to do your worst. It really was like Lord of the Flies. In that school I was one of the lowest of the low, and I learned to run and hide from the bullies.
I think that the top-clique kids may have been decent--I don't know. I do know that the ones immediately above me made my life hell.

I mostly agree with Wesley Clark: for me the effects of the cliques were a lot worse in grades 7 and 8 (and partly 9) than later in high school.

In high school I had a small circle of friends and life was tolerable. True, my family couldn't afford to send me on any of the interesting overseas trips, I yearned after a certain cheerleader, I didn't know how to be social or anything, etc, but once I had escaped phys-ed (and its mandatory team sports and the searing shame they brought), the *actual school experience* wasn't that bad.

Relevant link: Kids Called Nerds, in which a doctor discusses cliques and kids who have difficulty with social skills.

If I could change one thing about my life in public and high school, it would be this: make team sports optional. Give us physical education, yes, but give us the option of something like a fitness club with trainers and individual self-competitive activities. Build our strengths and skills, and through this show us that our bodies were not sources of shame.

I really hope they've learned from this.

[TheOnlySaneOne]

As a current teenager, I've gotta say that its really not too bad. Of course, I got extremely lucky. The popular kids at this school are the geeks. The theatre kids, the music kids, the politcal kids; most of them cross-class. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself, since there are so many of us. But at the same time, I think and realize that yes, most of us are known by a huge number of people throughout the school.

I dunno. All I know is that us geeks seem to have a pretty solid base at my school. *shrugs*

[Mirror Image egamI rorriM]

Pfft. Anyone who is really cool (and by that I mean happy with themselves, and is not going to change for anyone) wouldn't even be at a casino like that anyway. They'd be at the indie movie theater, some little coffeshop, or an all nite diner. The kids who are obsessed with status will be sadly disappointed once they get out of school.

[yosemite]

Originally Posted by Mirror Image egamI rorriM

The kids who are obsessed with status will be sadly disappointed once they get out of school.

Indeed yes.

I remember two kinds of "popular" kids. The Asshole popular kids, and the Universally Loved popular kids.

The Asshole popular kids were bullies (or else looked the other way when bullying occured, and snubbed the less-popular). The Asshole kids were vain and shallow, or overconfindent in their abilities (which they may have had, but not to the extent that they believed). The Asshole popular kids often acted as if the world was their oyster, and that Life Was Good. But they didn't realize that their idea of Life wasn't going to last.

The Universally Loved popular kids were truly decent people, who were popular and loved because they actually had something substantive (other than good looks) going for them, and they were nice to everyone. I remember particularly one Universally Loved popular kid in junior high school. He wasn't handsome, but he was accomplished and nice and exceedingly popular. Years later he's an actor (I've seen him in bit parts in TV, etc) and I assume doing okay.

My teenaged years were hell on one level (very much hell), but on the other hand, I was oblivious. I don't recall envying the Asshole Popular kids, because they were jerks. I didn't trust them. Moreover, they didn't seem to have any overriding passion (like the theatre geeks, art geeks, music geeks, etc. do). I pitied them for that. Even at my young age, I knew that my passion for creative things would serve me well over the years, and that their shallowness would eventually come back to haunt them. Their identity was centered around being popular and hot. Some of them were athletes, and I don't doubt that it was meaningful to many of them, but few school athletes "make it big" through sports. Compare that to the Universally Loved popular boy I mentioned above, who is (in a small way) making it as an actor.

I was in my own little world as an art geek. I may not look all that great today, all these years later (still too fat), but I daresay I look younger than many of my former classmates, and I daresay that I've done more with my passion for art then many of them have done with—whatever—was so damned important to them in school (clothes? parties?).

[davenportavenger]

Originally Posted by yosemite

The Universally Loved popular kids were truly decent people, who were popular and loved because they actually had something substantive (other than good looks) going for them, and they were nice to everyone.

Problem is, many of those UL popular kids are just assholes in disguise. Like the boy who volunteered twenty hours a week and was always polite to all the teachers, yet stalked me around school and touched my boobs whenever someone wasn't watching. (I was a pretty rare species, the uncool kid who was actually kind of hot.) In fact I'd say that from the outside, the majority of popular kids at my school would have been considered "nice kids" by adults looking in. There aren't many out-and-out bullies when you get to high school, most kids abuse their peers non-physically by then.

[Incubus]

My high school years were not very good, particularly because I was suspended Senior Year due to rumors that I was going to shoot everyone. That's right- sombody put a word in some police officers' ears and bottom line it made my life hell for me. So as you can imagine, I don't look back on it too fondly.

[yosemite]

Originally Posted by continuity eror

Problem is, many of those UL popular kids are just assholes in disguise.

Yeah, those too. But as a non-cool kid, I think I knew which were UL and which were assholes. The assholes had no trouble snubbing me or treating me like shit, while the UL ones were nice to me, even though it really was no benefit to them in being so (me being a non-entity, and all).

A whole group of them faux-nice guys (assholes, in other words) tormented me in math class while simultaniously enchanting the teacher, who apparently thought they were such great guys.

[WomanofScorn]

Well I'm 24 and I have to say that I had a blast in high school. I was even fat in high school (as well as now heh) and didn't get picked on. I had friends who were popular, and friends who were unpopular. I think it is how you present yourself, really. I didn't care what anyone else thought because in my mind they didn't pay my rent so to speak.

To me you'll never make the same type of friends in high school as you do as an adult, and I keep in touch with some of them. Hell I'm looking forward to going to the 10 year reunion just to see what's going on w/all the folks.

[Scissorjack]

Originally Posted by Incubus

My high school years were not very good, particularly because I was suspended Senior Year due to rumors that I was going to shoot everyone. That's right- sombody put a word in some police officers' ears and bottom line it made my life hell for me. So as you can imagine, I don't look back on it too fondly.

And were you?

[Quartz]

I had a dreadful time at school from the age of 8 to 18. I'll leave it at that.

[Excalibre]

Originally Posted by Jervoise

IME, the most popular kids at school were generally intelligent, had good interpersonal skills, high self-esteem and a confident manner. These qualities have enabled them to succeed in adulthood. For every brutish sportsman who failed, there's a score of charming, outgoing and popular kids who grew up to become successful professionals.

Yeah, as one of the weirder people in high school, I gotta admit that this was my experience. Most of the popular people were popular because they deserved it - they were friendly, fun to be around, generally liked most people and thus were liked in return. I was never one of the socially isolated kids, but I was definitely on the periphery of the high school social scene, but I was certainly friends with some people who were quite popular. Most of them achieved popularity for a reason.

Now, I don't know if perhaps my school was less cliquey than most, but my own high school experience did little to bear out the popular notion of what high school is like. I always had my group of friends, and I had a great time in high school. In fact, having approximately zero responsibilities made things a lot easier than college is in some ways.

I will agree, though, that middle school largely sucked ass. Man, those are not years that anyone would relive.

[GomiBoy]

I must put myself into the 'miserable Jr Hi, OK high school, but wouldn't go back for love or money' camp, really.

Originally Posted by ParentalAdvisory

Yep, it is. But not to a huge degree. Everything from work, to adult recreational activities still form social groups. And if you don't conform, you're still the odd ball.

I would say it's a night and day difference. There is still a bit of cliquishness, but you can choose who you hang out with a lot more effectively at work.

Where I work, it's a mix of sales, marketing, engineering (support) and consultants / service managers. 1500 all told. You kind of pick your friends, a lot more than in Jr Hi / High School (IMO). It is still difficult to cross lines between groups, but that's more to the fact that you don't really get to spend time with anyone outside your direct area of work... and a lot more of it is social groupings anyways. You choose to spend time with those who share your interests, after all.

Of course, I also have a distinct separation between work and home, and have a wholly different group of friends whom I choose to hang out with after work. Some of them work for my same company, but that is the distinct minority and we don't really hang out during work time as our roles are all different.

[Dung Beetle]

My daughter is in middle school now, and not liking it much, (although she's not going through the pure miserable unadulterated hell that I did!)
I told her that in middle school, there is one particular standard of cool, and everyone strives to be like everyone else. In high school, people split up into more specialized groups, and there are different ways to be cool, depending on which group you are a part of. Then people grow up and for the most part, don't care who thinks what about them. And that's cool.
That's been my experience, at least. Does that seem accurate to y'all?

And yes, I wouldn't do seventh grade over again for a million bucks.

[Abbie Carmichael]

Middle school was a horrible time for me, too. High school wasn't a picnic either but middle truly bit the big one.

Why is that 7th and 8th grade are oftentimes worse than 9-12?

[Incubus]

Originally Posted by Case Sensitive

And were you?

Of course not. I was just a rather introverted kid, intelligent but lazy, creative but unmotivated. People like me didn't have a place in High School, I mean shit, I was shunned by even the Drama geeks

[msmith537]

Originally Posted by Case Sensitive

As the OP noted, what's funny {or sad} is that they don't even know that it won't matter in 10 years time: the jocks will be pumping gas somewhere, divorced from the alcoholic prom queen and saddled with maintenance payments for their 3 children, while the nerds will be qualified engineers and able to buy and sell them.

And the nerds will still have trouble meeting girls. That's a common myth that the popular kids end up pumping gas while the nerds become millionares. That might be true if you grew up in some blue collar hick town, but there are plenty of upper-middle class suburbs where the popular kids go to college too.

There's always plenty of opportunity for good looking people with good social skills in the work force. Besides, sales usually makes more than engineers.


The reason that high school and middle school are so hellish, IMO, is that it is a completely closed system. It's a small universe so everything becomes a zero-sum game. A limited number of kids get selected for the sports teams. There are a finite number of good looking girls/guys to go around, a finite amount of attention people can pay to each other, a limited number of kids who throw cool parties and so on. It's not like the adult world where you can look wherever you want for whatever people or activities interest you.