If I put off having a crap for a few hours, can my body gain some calories from the waste I’m holding back? Should I shit now or later?
If you gotta go, you gotta go. I can’t imagine any measureable difference by waiting to do your business except for feeling more uncomfortable.
Waste in the large bowel will not be of caloric benefit no matter how long you withhold it. You can perhaps absorb some extra water from it by practicing fecal retention. But this is seldom of benefit, either. It just leaves you with rocky, hard stools which can be difficult to pass.
QtM, MD
QtM, you rock, and not in a hard, stooly way. 
Dear, if you’re genuinely short on calories, we can send you money. There’s precedents for that. But I notice that you’re located in the developed world, and very few people are short on calories anyway. Shouldn’t you be trying to take in fewer calories?
If shit’s your only reasonable source of nutrition, there’s probably some calories to be found in it, but you’ll have to eat it again. Though Qadgop’s spoken out against that, if I remember rightly.
I think it was the Duke of Wellington who said (roughly), “Never miss a chance to go to the toilet as you never know when your next opportunity will come.”
Worst sequel in the series.
It would probably be OK though, as long as you cooked it thoroughly enough to kill any pathogens.
Left over french fry grease has more calories. You can probably get some at any greasy spoon, they throw it out fairly regularly.
Tris.
Yes, but how can you tell when they’re done if they’re brown when you start frying?
QtM, speaking out against coprophagia! Not afraid to take an unpopular stand!
And I thought the pan-fried semen thread was rock-bottom. :eek:
this one’s just rocky form the bottom!
I have a serious question. My dog frequently has great difficulty with the first movement of the morning. Given what Qadgop said, is he having trouble because he has been holding it in all night, and it has dried out? He’s on a straight dry lamb and rice formula, which I know increases fecal bulk and yields large, firm stools, so that might be part of the problem. But he’s really straining sometimes to get the first one out. Can I help him out by making sure that he gets all the water he wants to drink before taking him out? Would it help if I gave him a few minutes before I take him out to ‘let it soak’?
Ask your vet. I deal only with people poop, not puppy poop, feline feces, bovine BMs, equine evacuations, etc. 
Remind me to avoid the Straight Dope Buffet.