A Day In The Life of The Butt Of Life's Joke

The BBQ Pit
1

My dad says I look like a young Lucille Ball. It’s offended me my whole life. But when I have days like today when I just feel like screaming LUCY!!! I think I see where he’s getting the idea.

Let me preface the whole story by saying I’m six weeks pregnant. For those who are not six weeks pregnant or have never been that way…it involves copious urine, exhaustion and puking. It’s a hangover, the flu, six giant bottles of water and being awake for 72 hours all in one.

So my dog, the immortal Marge began the fantastic day by waking me up 50 minutes before my alarm, whining and crying to come up into bed,but then, seeing me awake, decided maybe a little bit of ‘chase me around the house’. Cute little mutt. Shame I had to brutally murder her.

Yawning and cursing I hit the showers only to find Stern is best of this week (for some reason that always jacks up my fucking day). I should have taken it as an omen, buried myself beneath the covers and read Archie all day.

Get to work, yak a little bit of my breakfast after riding the elevator 31 interminable floors and hit the office. The vomiting starts hitting fast and furious, as are the ‘relatively normal’ cramps that feel like that guy who fits himself entirely in a six foot balloon is getting comfy inutero.

Here comes the sweat. Cold sweat and dizzy. Warm saliva at the back of the throat. OK. Let’s have a little flat coke and some crackers. NO GO my friend. NO. GO.

So now, for the second day in a row I have to go home because i can’t even stand up without nearly falling down and the banking ladies on the floor don’t like to hear a woman puking herself inside out in the next stall.

OK, sit on the train next to a woman with an invasive case of ocd which involves her sucking on her long hair, stretching it out in front of her, slapping it against her cheek and then dropping it and grabbing another chunk of hair. This went on for forty minutes.

Get off the train, in the rain, get a little dry heaves into the trash can filled with horrid rotten city garbage and realize, with an audible wail that…wait for it…

I’VE LEFT MY KEYS AT WORK. fantastic.

Call Mr. Jar who has to take a 45 minute train ride home to let me into my own house, where he finds me in a fetal position, my bladder near to exploding my uterus tender from a steady kneading motion and the dog crying inside the house thinking I’m trying to break in.

And now, I’m only sitting on half my ass because the other one was just injected with Progesterone Oil from a two and half inch needle.

Otherwise, life is fucking-a awesome cotton. EFFING- A

2

You may have a career as the next Sylvia Plath.

Seriously though, why do you think being compared to a young Lucille Ball in the looks department is anything but a complliment?

She was pretty hot in her early days.

3

hmmmm. that’s a nice picture of Lucy. I guess you’re right. My dad thinks I’m hot.

wait…what?

4

The only comment I have is that the young Lucille Ball was very very attractive! Take a second to look at her at www.edwardsly.com/ball.htm

And related to pregnancy, she was the first woman to appear on television when she was pregnant!

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Visibly pregnant, anyway. They strapped those bellies down tight in the old days.

I hope you feel better soon, jarbabyj. Stop listenting to Stern, he’s probably the one making you sick.

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Long, or wide?

7

I got a little nauseated just imagining a two and half inch wide needle. it was long…a long long sharp thing. And the progesterone injection is OIL, so it’s a slow, painful injection. GAH.

8

Lucy was pretty hot. Funny too. You could do a lot worse!

If it makes you feel any better (doubtful), all my pregnant friends complain about “pregnancy brain.” Apparently pregnancy makes one very forgetful. You’re not the only one to forget your house keys. One friend dropped her car off at the mechanic and gave him her house key as well as her car key. She didn’t realize it until after she got home at 8:00 pm. The shop was closed. There was nothing she could do but go to a neighbor’s house till her husband came home.

Sorry you’re feeling so sick. I have no idea why we evolved to have morning sickness. Why make pregnancy so miserable? It’s just a cruel, cruel thing!

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when it rained on my wedding day everyone said “it’s good luck!!!” which is obviously a load of bullshit designed to keep brides from throwing themselves in front of buses.

And now it’s “if you have bad morning sickness…that means you’ll have a big healthy baby!”

yeah yeah yeah. :rolleyes:

10

My sympathies dear. Been there. Just wait, it’ll go away in three months (like that was any consolation to me). The good news is that it gets better, then it gets much worse. :frowning:

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A friend of mine was so sick while pregnant with her second daughter she ended up in the hospital on IV for dehydration. She (kind of) smiles about it now. 2 1/2 years later.

My wife only got sick with our first, she was fine until she headed home after work, I’d come home and she’d be in bed, trying to sleep, groaning. And we had a second one, too!

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You has to ask youself, “What would Lucy do?”

It’s obvious really: Stand in front of a conveyor belt full of chocolates and start eatin’.

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Howard’s sick, I think. He was live Monday, but complaining of being ill. May be back tomorrow, may not.

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Weren’t you the one who kept bitching about not being able to get pregnant?

And now you’re bitching about being pregnant.

A day in the life of jarbaby, indeed.

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Jar I’m so happy for you!

I mean the pregnancy, not the crappy morning sickness stuff, obviously. I thought we hadn’t read anything by you in a while and I hoped everything was going ok.

Anway, I call down curses on whoever decided that morning sickness and feeling like shit were a part of motherhood, and hope you feel better soonish.

Apparently ginger helps with the nausea, try some tea or a ginger biscuit.

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I didn’t see that as “bitching about being pregnant”, I saw it as “why does it have to be so hard?”. I do the same thing, I complain how lowsy I feel while not regretting in the least having done it.

17

I thought the same thing. She doesn’t seem very happy.

Weren’t you (jarbabyj) the one who would butt into threads like these saying how priviledged some women are for being able to throw up with a fetus inside of them and they didn’t cherish that?

It’s everything you ever wanted and now you just bitch because you’re nauseous? Maybe I missed something else but I’m having a hard time feeling any simpathy.

Congratulations, by the way.

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John Corrado says it’s true .

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jarbaby, to cheer up, you need to check out some old media from the '40s, when Lucille Ball was still primarily a sex symbol. (I think the watershed was when she appeared on the Abbott & Costello radio show. The gags were written around Bud and Lou drooling over their pin-up girl guest-star, but it became pretty clear that she was funnier than either of them.

Well, it cheers me up, anyway.

Now I have even more lust in my heart for you. Hooray! Thank your dad for that. :stuck_out_tongue:

20

I don’t know anything about jarbabyj’s background or her problems getting pregnant, but assuming that she did have a tough time, I can totally see why she would want to grumble.

If you’ve had a horrible time achieving something, and you eventually do get it, it feels absolutely, incredibly wonderful to finally be able to share all the attendant annoyances with the people who achieved the same goal easily. You can feel like you belong to that set you so badly longed to be a part of. You’re finally in the normal instead of wanting to be in it. It is grumbling because you finally can grumble - a contentment, a happiness, a joy all by itself.

Now I have no clue if this is jarbabyj’s motivation, but if it is, I’m not grudging her any of her grouching.

jar, cheers on the pregnancy. Have a wonderful life ahead with your little one.