99 little-known facts about Cecil Adams. Fascinating stuff.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

-Never looks a woman in the eyes when shaking her hand.

-Rinses his mouth daily with diluted ammonia.

-Smokes Vantage 100 Menthols.

-Has never seen an episode of “The Honeymooners.”

-Vacations in Idaho.

-His cousin is MAS*H’s own Radar O’Reilly, Gary Burghoff.

-His mother lost her leg in Vietnam. Not during the war, on a business trip.

-Can’t stand the sight of lettuce.

-Once owned a pot-bellied pig named ‘Harvish.’

-Played autoharp and woodblock in a band called ‘The Peanutbutter Pop Sensation.’

-‘The Peanutbutter Pop Sensation’ reached #98 on the Billboard charts in 1971
with the song “Everybody’s Crazy But Baby I Don’t Know.” Penned by C.A. himself.

-Appeared as an extra in the movie “An Officer and a Gentleman.”

-Had his tonsils removed at the age of 9, only to have them grow back several years later.

-Hasn’t shaved since 1981.

-Named Johnny Carson the godfather of his firstborn daughter.

-Has bowled a 300 game 4 times in his life.

-Converted to Judaism at the age of 21.

-Has to have a cinamon-flavored toothpick in his mouth while writing his weekly column.

-Only wears denim if it’s white.

-Once placed third in a bow-tie tying contest.

2

Simultaneously bested the devil in a fiddling contest and a motorcycle race.

Owns every Yahoo account between Sugardaddy1 and Sugardaddy102802.

Can drink an entire keg on his own without becoming intoxicated.

Punched FDR on at least two occasions.

Perceives between no fewer than thirteen spatial dimensions.

Sweats pure Jack Daniels.

Is able to digest motor oil.

Used Jeremy Bentham’s poorly preserved head as a volleyball while visiting London.

Coined the term Reaganomics

Can unhinge his jaw and swallow a whole pineapple.

Was sent here to destroy humanity but eventually came to love us psychotic apes.

Calls himself “Batman” in his inner monologue.

3

Developed Teflon teeth facades to keep spinach from sticking.

Is one of the few members of the Polar Bear Club that doesn’t shrink.

Can order Steak Tartar in 11 languages, but doesn’t recommend doing it in Nigeria.

Has traveled to all 50 States and Puerto Rico within 14 months.

Can find Waldo within 23 seconds, consistently.

Can tell you the weight and viscosity of any car oil by taste.

Has performed no less than 6 wedding ceremonies at sea.

Owns a collection of antique Victorian anti-masturbation devices.

Can juggle 4 kittens without harming them.

Has been infected with parasitic worms twice while filming wildlife for National Geographic. Luckily he had his Swiss-Army tweezers with him.

Knows how to use a poles-reversed calculator.

-Tcat

4

Can milk four cows simultaneously

Spent 1971-1974 suffering from persistent ice cream headache

At different times, was challenged to a knife fight by William Shatner, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, Avery Brooks, and Scott Bakula

Always falls for the “you’ve got a spot on your shirt-looks down-bonks you in the nose” gag.

Thinks cans of compressed air are “just really neat.”

Thinks Icees are low rent ripoffs of slurpees, and doesn’t care if that bothers you.

The only person better than CA at square dancing? The late Roy Cohn.

Despite hating the game, has played bridge for the last 20 years with the same group. Why? He’s just too shy to speak up.

Would have been named Barbara, if he had been a girl

Wears a secret smile every time he thinks of those wild times at Studio 54.

5

Tried the vegan lifestyle for 4 years, but gave it up because, “Dead cow just tastes too darn good.”

Once assisted in the Blackstone magic show

Convinced Steve Jobs to go back to Apple Computing

Earned a 4.0 GPA in “Under water basket weaving”

Was the inspiration behind MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This”.

Was once a runway model

Is the reason boxer shorts are as popular as they are today

6

You got cites for any of this? :dubious:

Besides, I know for a fact that Cecil Adams is a living brain in a jar. He looks icky but still gets the ladies because of his enormous intellect.

7

Was briefly engaged to a distant cousin of Donal Logue.

Drinks Sanka coffee.

Is ambidextrous on a keyboard/typewriter.

Once took a tour of the White House, and corrected the tour guide that while so named, the “Blue Room” is not actually blue.

Singlehandedly invented the Delta Blues, but moved on musically to front a barbershop quartet back in '72.

Can levitate small objects by sheer willpower and thought.

Tripler
And, he was once tapped as an advisor to President Reagan’s STAR WARS program.

8

Repeated phoned the late Hunter S. Thompson at 4:30 AM and (in a shrill voice) claimed to be Mohammed Ali.

Later repeated this, claiming to be Sean Penn.

9

His feces is used as currency in 2 countries.

He was born with a single small antler, which was immediately removed surgically. His mother wore it as a necklace and is buried with it. Which is strange, because she hasn’t died yet.

He lost his virginity to Bella Abzug, but found it again. It was behind her couch.

10

Has only one pen at his desk, because it never ever runs out of ink.

On the other hand, needs to staple papers several times before he gets it right.

11

-Is an accomplished “The Smurfs” fan-fic author.

-Has kept the same phone number since 1967.

-Is an executive producer on “Pimp My Ride.” (uncredited)

-Serves as spitirual advisor to several country music artists.

-Makes moonshine in his garage.

-Briefly flew a traffic heliocopter for a station in Des Moines in 1966.

-Never wears socks.

12

Seventh son of a seventh son of a seventh son.

Still writes columns with a quill pen and parchment.

Virtuoso performer on 30 musical instruments commonly used by symphonic orchestras.

Term as chairman of the Illuminati expires in 2010.

Was a senior policy analyst for both Jimmy Carter AND Ronald Reagen.

Once built an exact replica of the Space Shuttle without instructions.

Has determined that pi is a finite number, but will not reveal the solution until after his death.

Career batting average of .675 in minor leagues before baseball career was ended by injuries. As a result he became an orthopedic surgeon.

Only major failure – wrote screenplay for Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and blamed it on one-time rival Roger Ebert.

13

Can cause flourescent lights to illuminate merely by concentrating. Also by not bathing for more than a week.

14

Power-naps in the dome of an Orthodox Church.

Yodels in the shower.

Widely known for winning money off rubes at Jai-Alai. In the nude.

15

-Spent the first four years of his life in the North Chicago subsidized housing projects, Cabrini-Green.

-Loves the smell gasoline.

-Has unusually large hands.

-Runs 9 miles a day.

-Favorite card game: Slap Jack.

-Constantly sucks on olives.

-Eats brown rice on his pizza.

-Puts pepper on apples.

-Makes a delicious sweet tea.

-Once shot down a crop duster with a .22 because the pilot was planning on crashing it into a school.

-Can name all state capitols in reverse alphabetical order in 25 seconds.

-Suffers from chronic back pain.

-Was held back in the 4th grade because he refused to speak the entire second semester.

16

[ol]
[li]Has never posted in In My Humble Opinion.[/li][li]Visted the Marianas Trench. Just once. In 1960.[/li][li]Hates that “Hi Opal” thing.[/li][li]Did not invent, but perfected, the 1920s style death ray.[/li][li]Is burning your dog.[/li][li]Collects 18” double-headed ice-blue jelly dongs.[/li][li]When comes back, always brings pie.[/li][/ol]

17

Can defeat Batman if he’s prepared.

18

Hell yeah, I know Cecil Adams! He’s a big fella, goes about 6’4", 280. He loves his Scotch!

Cecil’s family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!

So anyways, Cecil would put on a white tie and tails and walk his pet cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra “Beverly”. And he taught it how to fetch and dial a phone. But then one day, it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Cecil [del]Brasky[/del] had to shoot the maid.

I found all this from here

19

Has personal information on what the inside of a birdhouse looks like.

20

He is a turkey. (If Slug is to be believed.)