You fuck with me today, you will regret it.

The BBQ Pit
1

This morning I walked up to my car and found frozen egg smeared accross the side. Two car washes and one scrub with one of those little squeegie things for your windshield later, I’m at work a half an hour late. And I’m calling the cops.

I know what little fucking bastard did this. The new neighbors moved in two months ago, a single mom with her prick teenage son. All of a sudden there are cars being vandelized, pumpkins being smashed, and very loud obnoxious conversations going on outside my bedroom window at midnight. But I really wasn’t too upset about it all, until he and his little twat friends started parking in front of my house.

My house is tiny and there are only about two spaces in front for me to park, and my driveway is too steep for my little wee car, so I really need at least one spot open for myself at all times. I wouldn’t mind sharing, but that little twerp and his friends parked all accross my curb and I had no where to go. So about a week ago I asked the Mom if her son and his friends could leave me a spot to park. She was very nice and appologetic and had her son move his car right then. Of course I got the glare of death from him, but I didn’t worry.

Since then they’ve left me room to park, but I’ve been getting wolf whistles and other obnoxious things when entering my home at night. That’s a little uncool. And this morning, the egg. And that’s when I called the cops and let them know everything that’s been going on since that little twat and his mother moved in. He’s gonna have a little convo with the police soon. And it makes me feel good.

But that’s where the fun really starts. After a few hours at work I thought perhaps I’d calmed down a bit, until I received an email forward. And not just any email forward—it’s the one with Bill Gates paying you for forwarding the email complete with the 200 emails in the header with little comments like “Trie it, mebbie it wurks!”

Who did I get this email from? Not a friend, they know better. Not a coworker, they are too smart (most of them). No, I got this bastard forward from a prospect! A student who had inquired into one of my college’s graduate school programs and received my email address as a contact. Not only does this person not know me personally, I am, for all they know, the person who will decide whether they get into graduate school! (not really, but they usually think I am)

WTF! Where does she get off? Would you send a person interviewing you for a job a forward about the Neiman Marcus Cookie? No! Why the hell does this person think this is a good idea!

I sat and composed a scathing reply, planning to email it to the person, and everyone else whose email appeared in the header. I have since decided against it, I really don’t want to lose my job or anything. But if someone else wanted to send it I would be happy to supply the appropriate emails….

Anyway, I need my rage aired somewhere, so following is my response to the idiot who sent me the email. Hopefully it will make someone else feel the catharsis it gave me.

Dear Moron,

In case you hadn’t quite figured out the finer points of netiquette, let me point out the rules you have just broken by sending that hideous “Fwd: PLEASE READ…you will honestly benefit from this!!” piece of tripe.

  1. Do not send spam.
    Yes, I said spam. You are a spammer. I did not ask for this email, I do not correspond with you, I might as well not even know who you are. This forward was sent to any email address you could pull out of your tiny brain, in hopes that it will benefit you monetarily. Therefore, you are a spammer.

  2. When sending a mass email, use the “BCC” field to hide the email addresses you are sending to, and put your own email address in the “From” field.
    Why? Now I have all your friends’ and families’ email addresses, and most of their names. Were I a spammer, scammer, identity theft, or other internet baddie, you would have just done me a giant favor. I don’t even have to look for saps to scam; you’ve just delivered them to my email box.
    (Oh, and don’t worry about warning all your friends, I’ve already sent them all an email letting them know the same information. I also told them to blame you if they get spam or suchlike from now on. I’m just that kind of guy.)

  3. Never ever pass on an email that has been forwarded to you without first checking its veracity.
    Here’s the really fun part. Microsoft will not send you any money. Ever. No one can track an email, it’s not possible. Once it’s sent the original computer there is no way to know where it goes next. There is no way to know. Everyone who knows anything about the internet that received this from you are currently laughing their asses off at your stupidity and foolishness. Let’s just read the email for a moment and point out why else it can’t be for real.

“Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago.”
What lawsuit? I don’t remember hearing about any lawsuit from PepsiCo to General Electric. And even if there was a lawsuit, it would be a business suing a business, not a class action suit of consumers suing a company—what the hell does it have to do with you forwarding an email? Also, I thought you were getting money from Microsoft, where do Intel and AOL come into the picture? They are all three completely separate companies.

“When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (If you are a Microsoft Windows user) For a two weeks time period. For every person that you forward this e-mail to…”
Ignoring for a moment the obvious grammar and capitalization errors, take a look at the time period. Two weeks. The very first date stamp I can find on this email was October 12. That is the earliest date we know this email was forwarded. (We can, of course, assume it’s been going around for years, but we have no direct evidence.) Today, the day you forwarded this email, is November 14. Looks like you missed out, buddy.

There are other glaring errors, but I’m tired of picking though all the carrots to deal with pointing them out.

I’ll make your life easy. Visit www.Snopes.com and verify all forwards you get from now on. Here is this very email you sent debunked: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/microsoft-aol.asp. Now don’t you feel silly for forwarding this on?

  1. Never send crap like this to business addresses.
    Just a casual glance at your recipient list shows a number a business emails. Not only are you wasting the recipient’s time, you are wasting the company’s time and potentially money. If this opens them up to spam and viruses, they will have to spend a pretty penny to put things right. Wasting their money is tantamount to stealing.

  2. Finally, if you must send a mass email and have already checked it on Snopes, hidden the email addresses using “BCC,” and made sure only to send the emails to home addresses, please for the love of god clean up the damn email. Copy it into a new window and take out all the carrots (>>> >>) and line breaks. I know this takes a second longer than just hitting forward, but it won’t kill you. I promise.

Now, hopefully you have read this whole email, learned from your errors, and taken my advice to heart, perhaps to go on with your life with a better understanding of yourself and the world around you. Now would be a good time to send a personal email to every one you sent that forward to and ask their forgiveness. Personal email, I said, not another forward.

But more likely you will ignore my advice and try to flame me with a poorly written, misspelled raging rant about what a nasty person I am and that you were only trying to help. Well go right ahead. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve created a brand new email address for myself, one that doesn’t appear on your address book. You have no idea who I am and have no way to find out. More than likely, I will abandon this account as soon as I hit send on this message, and will never even see your reply. But again, it’s likely you haven’t even read this far into the email anyway.

So why do I bother? Futility perhaps. But some small part of me does hope you read this entire email and learn how to be a better citizen of the internet and world. Or at least get just as pissed off reading the email as I got reading yours.

Ciao,

Johnny Smith

2

I was all, “Carrots? What carrots?” :confused: Then:

Oh. Carets.

Otherwise, good rant. I’m lucky that most of my friends take my (admittedly gentle) chastisements about this crap seriously. The second time I’m a little harsher. I don’t think I’ve had to do it three times.

3

Hey, Little Bird, I’m glad you didn’t sent off the e-mail. Some trojans/virii spawn spam programs send messages to everyone in your address book with that crap. It’s possible that the prospective student didn’t send it to you intentionally. I’ve actually received penile enhancement e-mails from senior faculty members (according to the e-mail address)! When I received ten in one day, I figured someone had a trojan horse that got into their address book and sent the message to everyone within. Our IT department confirmed this was the case. So… it’s possible.

4

The teenager next door! Right? What did I win?

Keep us posted on how the call to the cops goes. And let us know if you’re going to be appearing on Judge Judy.

5

i completely and thoroughly empathize

having said that - you do realize that “twat” (when spelled correctly) is an epithet usually hurled at females
perhaps you meant shcmukc (misspelled on purpose)?

6

I’m not trying to be a dick, but they’ve got as much of a right to the space in front of your house as anybody else.

I live in a downtown area. I occasionally have to park several blocks away from my building, even in the evenings, because all of the spaces in front are taken by non-downtowners in the area for work, concerts, football games, or what have you.

It’s never even crossed my mind to ask anybody to move, because it’s the price I pay for saving a hundred bucks a month that I would otherwise be spending for a garage.

I’m not saying the dickhead in question should have egged your car or harrassed you (and I’d definitely call the cops about the harrassment bit). I guess I’ve always been somewhat amused about people who think they have some kind of exclusive claim to a particular section of a public street.

7

So, black455, if you were the OP’s neighbor, and he asked you plitely to not take up both spaces in front of his house so he’d have somewhere to park, how would you react?

8

Yes, I do understand that. But that is in the USA. Shaun of the Dead is my favourite movie right now, therefore I have made a conscious choice to become more British, and in that movie a very male person is repeatedly called a twat. So neyaaaa.

And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I live in a very quiet residential neighborhood in a house I own. My husband parks his minivan in the driveway, but if I tried that with my Jetta I would scrape the front bumper off. These people parked in front of my house consistently and blocked my entire access to parking in front of my house, and sometimes made it really difficult to get in and out of the driveway. I see no reason why I should have to park a block away from my house just because the neighbor’s twat child needs to invite over five twat friends in pickup trucks. They* can fucking walk.

*The five twat friends, not the neighbor and twat child. They should be able to park in front of their house.

9

I agree with black455 if it’s a really citified neighborhood. Around these parts you park where you can and it’s first come first serve. On the other hand, if it’s a more suburban type neighborhood, then it may be legal to park in front of your neighbor’s house, but it’s rude.

It all depends.

10

I’m with you on the vandalism and abuse, certainly, but as far as the parking, not so much. It would be great if we could all park right in front of our places, but on a public street that’s not always the case. Nobody is under any obligation to save a space for somebody else, anymore than they can mark a parking space with a chair for themselves. (Yeah, people do it, but it’s not legal and if I’m looking for a parking space late at night and the only one available has a dinette set in it, that junk is gone)

Don’t get me wrong. It would be neighborly and nice if the kid would park elsewhere, but don’t expect his friends to abide by your request. It is a public street, after all.

11

Neighbors aren’t mind readers, so I’ve always found it best to make an attempt to discuss any possible conflicts. That’s something neighbors are allowed to do. It doesn’t automatically mean that your request will be complied with, but if you don’t ask, you’ll never stand a chance of getting. They may park there, legally, if they like. But once asked, they might also think about parking in other spaces, if they are available.

I used to live in a situation like that. And the police would ticket you at 8:01 on a Saturday morning whenever possible. Now if anyone parks on my 10 acres, they better have my permission.

12

You have my sympathy. I used to live on a quiet residential street with ample parking in front of every house – and every house had a driveway – and yet for some reason the son of some people down the block would park his old junker in front of my house. And then LEAVE it there without moving it for a week or two or three at a time. (There was lots of room to park in front of his house this whole time, I might add.)

So I started calling and reporting his car as an abandoned vehicle if it sat there for at least five days without being moved. They’d come out, tag it, and he’d finally get around to moving it. Only to wait a couple weeks and park it in front of my house and leave it there. Again.

After I had it tagged as abandoned FOUR – yes, FOUR – times, he finally figured out that he couldn’t just dump it there and forget about it, and finally stopped parking there. And it wasn’t like I even parked there myself; I just didn’t appreciate him making my house look like a dump with his total shit car sitting out there for weeks at a time. If he’d moved it more often, I never would have cared.

But at least he never harassed me about it. You have my sympathy on that. Good luck getting it resolved!

13

I’d say something like “Godddamit, if ya’ll don’t like it, move to Soviet Canada, hippie! And git offa my porch!”

And then I’d shoot them with rock salt from my scattergun.

Actually, I’d probably say, “I can try, but I can’t promise anything. Next time I have a party, I’ll remind people to leave you a spot, but ya’ know, shit happens.”

I walk two or three blocks carrying a week’s worth of groceries at least a couple of times a month, including a half gallon of milk, a few two liters, a six pack of Moerlein, and a twelver of sparkling water. This evening, I’ll probably do it in the rain. Despite my mustache, I’m not exactly a Tom of Finland type guy, but somehow I manage.

I’ve got a friend who has a house in an older neighborhood that doesn’t have driveways. One of his neighbors has trouble walking, and got the city to mark out a handicapped spot in the street right in front of his house. If that’s the case for the OP, maybe she can go that route.

If it’s just that the driveway is too steep, maybe she should just put some monster truck tires on the Jetta.

14

My God, man, have you ever heard of solid food?

15

So hire yourself a nice big tracked vehicle for a month. And if they park antisocially, simply drive right on over. :smiley:

16

I’m in a dinner club with a lady who feels the need to forward every stinking junk e-mail she receives to me. (I cannot block her because, occasionally, there is a need for an actual exchange of information.) Your thread has inspired me to egg her car.

17

As far as the parking situation goes, the space in front of your house is not reserved for you. However, if there’s room for 2 cars and said teen constantly takes up two spots because of general cluelessness, then I see no reason bringing that to his attention, preferably over a tray of cookies. Otherwise, you’re being unreasonable. He has as much right to the space as you do, it being public property and all.

I’m glad you didn’t reply to the e-mail offender. As someone already pointed out, he may not have actually sent it. Besides, one day you may need a break, so give the kid a break already. After all, he wasn’t the one who egged your car. And that’s really why you’re so ticked.

18

Usually we just chase down pigeons if we want something more substantial.

Really, the liquids are the biggest pain in the ass to deal with.

19

There’s a song I hear on Bob and Tom sometiems called “It’s a Great Day.” A taste of the lyrics:

“It’s a great day
For me to whup somebody’s ass.
It’s a bad day,
So you better get off my back.
You might get coldcocked
If you cross my path,
'Cause it’s a great day
For me to whup somebody’s ass”

I have no idea who sings it, but it sounds like the song you need today!

(Full lyrics here.)

20

Excellent point.

I make an exception for my “Eh. Whatever.” rule for those times when an individual manages to take up two spaces with one vehicle.

This happens regularly in my 'hood - there’s a truck loading zone across the street that’s not a truck loading zone on Saturdays. That means you don’t have to worry about feeding the meter on weekends, should you be lucky enough to grab a spot in it Friday night. It can easily fit three cars. SUVs, even.

However, without fail, some jackass will make sure he parks with his nose 1/3 of the way back, meaning it can only fit two cars.

In those cases, I take a dump on his hood.