Ladies: What's up with: "He makes me feel safe..."

[Shakes]

...when I'm around him."?

So the gal I'm currently dating right now made this remark to me the other day. I've had other GF's say this to me and I've heard women in general say this about certain guys.

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered, but what in the world do y'all really mean by this? I mean, do you gals constantly walk around in fear thinking something bad is going to happen to you or what?


Pls explain this crazy er, um, currious behaviour.

[norinew]

Well, I certainly can't speak for all of womanhood, but I can speak for myself. My husband makes me feel safe, and that's a very good thing. For one thing, I'm not very physically strong, and he is. Plus, he stays cool and calm in stressful situations, whereas I turn into a quivering bowl of jelly. And he's very smart. That's a powerful combo. So while I don't go around expecting bad stuff's gonna happen to me at every turn, I'm pretty sure that if most of the normal brands of bad stuff happened, he could, and would protect me.

An added factor that may or may not be a part of this statement from other women, is that I was sexually abused as a child. As an adult, some irrational, still-little-girl part of me still fears that. But I'm certain as can be that if anyone tried anything like that now, (with me or with one of our children), that my husband would defend us successfully each and every time.

Is it all crazy? Possibly, but probably not. It's probably the women throughout history who chose men who could and would protect them, that tended to live long enough to raise their kids. Therefore, I think a lot of it is genetics.

As an aside, I'm not saying that women can never defend themselves. I'm quite aware that many can, and I applaud that. I'm also certain that I would try to defend my children if I had to, but I'd be a blubbering emotional mess afterward.

[Queen Tonya]

Everything she said.

Additionally, it can mean we feel safe to be vulnerable with you. Safe to be uninhibited, etc. Guys have the same measure of how safe they feel opening up to a partner, they're just not as likely to use that term, culturally.

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Queen Tonya

Additionally, it can mean we feel safe to be vulnerable with you.

Yes, that too.

[Just visiting]

I say this to my boyfriend all the time too. It is not so much that he is able to keep me physically safe (although I'm sure he can do that if it's ever necessary), for me it is more emotional safety. I feel I can trust him not to do anything that would hurt me and that my feelings are safe with him. It might seem strange to you, but some women like to describe their feelings out loud and I guess sometimes it isn't as self-explanatory as we think. You should take it as a compliment though, for me it's one of the big ones.

[Kalhoun]

"Safe" can mean a lot of things. If you're a big guy, maybe she feels obnoxious guys will cease hitting on her. If you're rich, maybe she feels like she'll have bus fare to get home.

My husband makes me feel safe in that we are a team and I don't have to face life's little traumas using my wits alone. It's a team thing.

[irishgirl]

"Safe" meaning, accepted, loved, wanted, needed, desired.
"Safe" meaning secure in the relationship.
"Safe" meaning protected from stress and all the "bad things" that happened during the day.
"Safe" meaning he gives you the warm fuzzies when he holds you, like the rest of the world doesn't matter and that everything is going to be alright when he's there.
"Safe"- like a security blanket rather than a taser.

[UrbanChic]

SHAKES, are you a big guy? I don't mean fat, I mean are you tall and built like a football player? My husband is and I've remarked on several occasions that one of the reasons I'm attracted to him is because I feel all kinds of safe when I'm with him.

When I was younger, I really liked bigger, kind of intimidating guys because I felt safe(r) around them.

[Shakes]

Originally Posted by UrbanChic

SHAKES, are you a big guy? I don't mean fat, I mean are you tall and built like a football player? My husband is and I've remarked on several occasions that one of the reasons I'm attracted to him is because I feel all kinds of safe when I'm with him.

When I was younger, I really liked bigger, kind of intimidating guys because I felt safe(r) around them.

Yes, all kidding aside.

I'm not likely to grace the cover of "Men's Health" magazine anytime soon (6' 190lbs and I work out three times a week) but yet, you wont likely find me sitting on the couch, watching TV, eating a big bag of Doritos either. I guess you could say I'm a "tweener"

Your post is pretty much the premise I get when women say this to me (or when I hear it said). It just got me to thinking: Do women constantly have to feel so defensive?

I hope not, because that really speaks pejoratively of the male race.

[Anaamika]

Everything norinew said and htis - when I see him, it's like coming home. And home is supposed to be safe. When I was growing up, home was not safe, it was a place to get picked on and ridiculed and emotionally ignored.

[Zebra]

I haven't heard this, from a girl, since high school. Mostly, it was a rational for dating someone other than me. Now I was a skinny guy in HS but when a girl told me this it drove me up the wall and down the other side.

What! Are you going to be attacked by bears at the movie theatre?

If some stronger guy walks up and kicks sand and im my face, will you walk away with him and only come back to me when I'm stronger than him? Guess what? I don't want you back! I don't need you! I don't need ANYONE.

(goes to room and listens to The Wall with the headphones)

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Zebra

I haven't heard this, from a girl, since high school. Mostly, it was a rational for dating someone other than me. Now I was a skinny guy in HS but when a girl told me this it drove me up the wall and down the other side.

What! Are you going to be attacked by bears at the movie theatre?

If some stronger guy walks up and kicks sand and im my face, will you walk away with him and only come back to me when I'm stronger than him? Guess what? I don't want you back! I don't need you! I don't need ANYONE.

(goes to room and listens to The Wall with the headphones)

If you're 5'3 and 95 pounds, but a woman feels emotionally secure with you, that'll often turn the trick. As implied by Anaamika, that feeling of emotional safety is at least as important as the physical stuff. Growing up, I was oftne ridiculed (by my mother), and told, sometimes straight-up, that I wasn't loved and wasn't wanted. I feel safe that my husband will never ridicule me, never laugh at me, and never tell me that I'm anything less than wonderful. A man of any size or physical condition could do that.

Really, it comes down to priorities. Because of my history of abuse, yes, physical strength is important to me. In fact, it goes beyond physical strength. It's knowing that I can trust him to do the right thing at the right time. If someone at the beach kicked sand in your face, I'd know right then that he's not someone I could put that kind of trust in. But physical strenth is not important to all women. But I'd guess that the need (or at least desire) to feel psychologically safe is something that all people share.

[cowgirl]

Speaking as someone who has (fortunately) never been abused, had a nice safe home life, and has a husband who is smaller than me (although a lot stronger): my husband makes me feel safe. For me it's emotional rather than physical.

You know sometimes you're in a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable - whether in a long meeting at work, or packed into the subway at rush hour, or having to confront a colleague when you really don't want to, or dealing with an otherwise unpleasant situation, etc. These things lead me to an emotional sense of unease or discomfort of varying degrees.

When my husband is around, that feeling is greatly relieved. Just his presence vastly improves my emotional state, and makes me feel safe.

I believe that this is a quality that good partners have, regardless of the gender distribution. Perhaps the word "safe" is just most likely to be used by women about their male partners.

[scout1222]

I second irishgirl's emotion. It's all emotional safety. I've never been abused in any way, shape or form, so I don't need protection, but it's a hairy world out there. Having someone around that I can just be myself and not get shit on (literally or figuratively) by is worth his weight in gold.

[Zebra]

Originally Posted by norinew

If you're 5'3 and 95 pounds, but a woman feels emotionally secure with you, that'll often turn the trick.

Think more of 6' and 110 pounds. (back in HS)

I know it is different for adult women than it was for young girls.

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Zebra

Think more of 6' and 110 pounds. (back in HS)

I know it is different for adult women than it was for young girls.

I wasn't so much talking about your specific size so much as, from the point of view of a grown woman, it's not all about the physical safety. As far as being attacked by bears in movie theaters, I'd probably demand my money back.

[Anaamika]

Originally Posted by norinew

Growing up, I was oftne ridiculed (by my mother), and told, sometimes straight-up, that I wasn't loved and wasn't wanted. I feel safe that my husband will never ridicule me, never laugh at me, and never tell me that I'm anything less than wonderful.

Yes, yes, and yes! This brought a tear to my eye, it was exactly my thoughts. My mom was exactly like this...she used to tell me I was her "duty" (I was adopted).

[AHunter3]

Every time this subject comes up, I'm unavoidably reminded of May West's line — "Men are always trying to protect me...I wonder from whom?"

I know it's usually the "safe to be emotionally vulnerable" thing that women are talking about, though.

[AHunter3]

Mae

[AuntiePam]

What a nice thread. It's great that so many of us have this kind of relationship with their SO's.

My daughter had bad boyfriends for years, physically and emotionally abusive. She says "It's easy as breathing" to be around her current BF, and I'm so happy for her.

My husband's the same way. He might not hear me when a football game is on, but if I ever feel down or scared about anything, he's a mountain of comfort and assurance.

[Misnomer]

Lots of folks have addressed the various things that "safe" can mean, but I don't think anyone has addressed this yet:

Originally Posted by SHAKES

I mean, do you gals constantly walk around in fear thinking something bad is going to happen to you or what?

It just got me to thinking: Do women constantly have to feel so defensive?

In my experience, when a woman says "he makes me feel safe" I don't think she means that she doesn't feel safe without him; I think there's an unspoken end to that statement of "as opposed to someone else, who I might not feel safe with." Some guys give off not-so-safe vibes: whether you make someone feel safe is often as compared to them, not compared to the woman's inherent sense of safety or security. It might be more accurate to say "I continue to feel safe when I'm with him." Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it's not like you're a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick that would be!).

[Cervaise]

Originally Posted by Zebra

Are you going to be attacked by bears at the movie theatre?

Only at Brokeback Mountain.

[norinew]

Originally Posted by Cervaise

Only at Brokeback Mountain.

Hahahahaha!

Of course, if you're not familiar with the part of the country I'm from, attacked by bears is a fairly real fear, within just a few miles of here.

[cbawlmer]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

It might be more accurate to say "I continue to feel safe when I'm with him." Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it's not like you're a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick that would be!).

Sometimes it can be scary being a lone female too. When I was single I never let fear deter me from doing what I wanted to do, but it's nice to know that when my husband is there, I have backup just in case. He's my tall, strong teddy bear. Anybody could have someone try to kidnap them in the Wal-Mart parking lot, but it's probably less likely to happen with a big, imposing guy standing right there.

However, he mostly gives me the emotional safety and security mentioned above, which is something I definitely never had as a kid.

And he'll kill bugs if necessary. That's a big plus.

[sjc]

I'm a man and I like a woman who can make me feel safe. Mostly it's about emotional safety, but I also want to feel physically safe.

[Antigen]

Originally Posted by irishgirl

"Safe" meaning he gives you the warm fuzzies when he holds you, like the rest of the world doesn't matter and that everything is going to be alright when he's there.

That's exactly it. When I'm in his arms, everything is right again. I feel happy and loved and safe. I don't really know why the word "safe" applies, but it's really what I feel. I just know that he'd never let anything happen to me.

Damn, it's hard having a boyfriend who lives 500 miles away.

[Telperien]

It isn't physical safety so much with me (I'm a great big thing who can usually take care of herself pretty well in that regard) as emotional safety. So many people give the impression that it isn't safe to show your "real" self to them, for whatever reason. Someone who makes me feel that I can really be me makes me feel safe.

[Nic2004]

I am really glad to hear so many women feel this way with their men. It is my honor and one of my proudest moments to hear my wife describe me that way to someone she is speaking with; feeling safest when I am near.
And she is.

[matt_mcl]

I look for the same thing in a BF, too. And it is all about the emotional safety. You are always on a low-level guard when you're with anyone. With Tom, I felt safer than I felt even when I was by myself.

[kiz]

"Feeling safe" also has a lot to do with trust. For those of us who have many issues concerning it for whatever reason, safety is probably the most important aspect of the relationship.

I've only felt 100% safe with two men my entire life -- my father and my husband.

[AHunter3]

Originally Posted by Misnomer

Lots of folks have addressed the various things that "safe" can mean, but I don't think anyone has addressed this yet:

In my experience, when a woman says "he makes me feel safe" I don't think she means that she doesn't feel safe without him; I think there's an unspoken end to that statement of "as opposed to someone else, who I might not feel safe with." Some guys give off not-so-safe vibes: whether you make someone feel safe is often as compared to them, not compared to the woman's inherent sense of safety or security. It might be more accurate to say "I continue to feel safe when I'm with him." Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it's not like you're a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick that would be!).

I think this is well put. I think these are good observations.

[thanata.anna]

Originally Posted by irishgirl

"Safe" meaning, accepted, loved, wanted, needed, desired.
"Safe" meaning secure in the relationship.
"Safe" meaning protected from stress and all the "bad things" that happened during the day.
"Safe" meaning he gives you the warm fuzzies when he holds you, like the rest of the world doesn't matter and that everything is going to be alright when he's there.
"Safe"- like a security blanket rather than a taser.

I think this explains it perfectly. Being able to be emotionally honest with someone who will then tell you they love you and give you a hug- it's reassuring that its okay to be you, that the person you honestly are under all the pretenses that we put on the rest of the time, is a lovable person. If that makes sense.

Originally Posted by SHAKES

I mean, do you gals constantly walk around in fear thinking something bad is going to happen to you or what?

Yes.

Well, I grew up with a crisis manager for a mother, and the way she knew how to deal with things- anything- was to make it into a drastic emergency. With that kind of atmosphere, my thought process was sort of trained to watch for possible crises. Which then developed into a very nearly crippling anxiety disorder. What fun. And the environment outside my house didn't help either- pretty violent, grimy, crime-filled inner city ghetto.
So yes, that's how my life goes.
Safe is good. Very, very good.