I am taking steps to end the most damaging friendship I've ever had and...

[Lobsang]

... Get my life back.

When I met the person in question I thought she was an ordinary attractive girl of twenty who carelessly got pregnant at the age of seventeen.. The 'boyfriend' being off the scene. She dressed and acted like a nice girl. Bubbly, nice to everyone, kind, caring.

I also thought she was interested in me.

(There is part of her life/past that I will not go into in the OP but which may come out in later posts.)

I now know she's an extremely messed up beyond-help manipulative promiscuous misandrial (word) lesbian dishonest cruel evil thoughtless moaning using tart.

I'm done being used... The final straw was having to listen to (again) her whining about how she's had to move house sixteen times and has 'got no-one'... this time to the boss. I felt sorry for her when it was me getting all that.. I tried and tried to comfort her and offer help and be 'someone to talk to'.

I've had at least seven close friends (including our very own ZipperJJ via IM) tell me I need to break friendship. Well now I am taking their advice onboard.

ZipperJJ has been incredibly helpfull and supportive and I list her as one of the three people who's advice has pushed me to act. The other two are my Dad, and one of my close colleagues... who kept his mouth shut about the whole thing until a few days ago. Anyway... I am eternally greatful to you Jessica (Zipper). Especially if this works.


It's going to be hard.. very hard to see it through.. knowing that I am going to be volountarily killing off any hope I had of there being something with the girl. A hope that she kept alive through her vague words and feined enjoyment of my company.

In the early hours of this morning.. still drunk I sent her a text message. This being the day after I had a perfectly good day ruined by her coming in (when not supposed to be on shift) for the last three hours of mine.. mine which had been very productive and had not involved any thoughts about her... and hearing her whining. I blanked her completely and when time came to leave I said goodbye to everyone except her... I had asked the boss... in her earshot if he minded if I left early.

The text message was as follows...

"I fell in love with you before I knew what a helpless manipulative messed up tart you were. More fool me

I'm still in love with you which is why I feel like crap. You keep my interest alive with your fake friendliness... but keep me at distance. It is torturing me. I wanted to help you and you moan that you have no-one. I am sick of it!"

I am not going to pretend it was a good idea. I know the 'still in love' bit wasn't.

(I just forwarded it from my old phone using my mum's sim card to my new phone... so on my new phone it looks like it's from my mum to me... whoops. My mum called me a tart and is in love with me!!)

Today my boss sent me an e-mail saying he noticed I was pissed off with her... He already knows what the situation is (he's one of the seven) I sent him a reply saying I'm pissed off with her in general and can't carry on being her friend.


Any advice on breaking up a friendship is welcome.

Any advice on working with a tart whom you have strong feelings for while blanking them and not being friendly and watching them be friendly with other people that would be MOST welcome... because I'm dreading it. Don't know if I'll be able to face it.

[Maastricht]

Wait.. this is the relationship so many Dopers advised you to end?

[hajario]

Originally Posted by Maastricht

Wait.. this is the relationship so many Dopers advised you to end?

Apparently. He also said he was quitting drinking.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Maastricht

Wait.. this is the relationship so many Dopers advised you to end?

Don't take it the wrong way.... It's just come to a head that's all.. as I said the final straw was the whining. it was enough to make the blindingly obvious take a higher level in my brain than the hope.

[Lobsang]

p.s. I knew everyone was right a long time ago.. I was just weak.. I was hanging on to the little bit of pleasure I could derrive from the friendship.. and it was pleasurable...

I now know that pleasure is not worth the pain that comes inbetween.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Maastricht

Wait.. this is the relationship so many Dopers advised you to end?

I should also stress that ZipperJJ's help has been via MSN not via the SDMB...

I value every doper's input on the dope, but with all due respect none of you can be considered "close friends" (except Zipper)


Zipper get your ass back online btw.. I miss our chats.

Or should I say 'arse'.

[Maastricht]

Lobsang, good for you.

I've been where you are.. It will be hard to end it when you still have to see this girl at work. But it can be done. Expect the occasional emotional relapse, but don't act on them.

Don't fall in the trap of continuing the relationship, but now in the negative. The best thing to do stop investing energy in this girl; and hating her or wanting her to see herself for what she really is, will costs you energy too. The emotional state to strive for is indifference.

But that takes time, at least another year. Again, good for you. Good luck.

[sunfish]

No offense, but if it took your seven close friends to make you act, when literally dozens of Dopers were telling you the same thing... I don't really know why you're asking advice of anyone here at this point. Be that as it may -

You have discovered the #1 reason why people are not encouraged to pursue relationships at work. Everybody thinks (yours truly included) that it will be different for them if the relationship doesn't work out, but it's seldom the case.

My advice to you is that, since you will be seeing her in a professional setting, your behavior should be
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
purely professional. That means you speak to her only regarding work, as necessary; that you not show yourself to be pissed off at her, or upset, or pining, whichever way you feel; and that you not talk about her to your work colleagues, who don't really need to be stuck in the personal business between you and her. Essentially, treat her politely as if she were a stranger with whom you have no prior history. Do not give her any cause to point a finger at you and say that you are making her work environment intolerable by your behavior. Be the bigger person and avoid the petty bullshit you may be oh-so-tempted to indulge in.

Will it be difficult? At first, you can be sure it will be. Use your current state of being fed up to steel yourself for dealings with her, and I think you'll find after a few weeks that it's much easier to disregard her presence and get on with your life.

Good luck.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by sunfish

No offense, but if it took your seven close friends to make you act, when literally dozens of Dopers were telling you the same thing... I don't really know why you're asking advice of anyone here at this point. Be that as it may -

You make a good point... And at this point in my reply no offence is taken.

purely professional. That means you speak to her only regarding work, as necessary; that you not show yourself to be pissed off at her, or upset, or pining, whichever way you feel; and that you not talk about her to your work colleagues, who don't really need to be stuck in the personal business between you and her. Essentially, treat her politely as if she were a stranger with whom you have no prior history. Do not give her any cause to point a finger at you and say that you are making her work environment intolerable by your behavior. Be the bigger person and avoid the petty bullshit you may be oh-so-tempted to indulge in.

I will try.. and believe me, Despite the overwhelming sense of being in 'wonderland' (not in the good sense the word 'wonder' implies... I.e. deep down the rabbit hole) there is still part of me that knows she is a person and that my problem with her is in large-part my own doing (but not entirely.. she has been stringing me along) and that she deserves professional civility if little else.

[Seren]

I'd just like to say congrats to you, Lobsang. I know what you're doing is very difficult, and I know I mean nothing to you at all, but I respect and completely agree with what you've decided to do.

[Linty Fresh]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

... Get my life back.

When I met the person in question I thought she was an ordinary attractive girl of twenty who carelessly got pregnant at the age of seventeen.. The 'boyfriend' being off the scene. She dressed and acted like a nice girl. Bubbly, nice to everyone, kind, caring.

I also thought she was interested in me.

(There is part of her life/past that I will not go into in the OP but which may come out in later posts.)

I now know she's an extremely messed up beyond-help manipulative promiscuous misandrial (word) lesbian dishonest cruel evil thoughtless moaning using tart.

I'm done being used... The final straw was having to listen to (again) her whining about how she's had to move house sixteen times and has 'got no-one'... this time to the boss. I felt sorry for her when it was me getting all that.. I tried and tried to comfort her and offer help and be 'someone to talk to'.

Lobsang, I hear you, and I know it's not easy. I've been there too..

If you would care to listen to the words of someone who's been there, here goes:

1. You'll eventually get over her. The bad times pass, and you'll be left with the good memories.
2. Along those same lines, you've always got to be a bit careful, because you never quite forget her. There will come a point where you'll have to consciously remind yourself why you ended the friendship.
3. Don't be too down on yourself. You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Getting hung up over a good man (or woman, as the case may be) happens to the best, most experienced players. You can learn from this sort of thing, but nothing in life quite prepares you for something like it beforehand.
4. I don't wish to nag, Lobsang, but you might want to consider laying off the booze (I've been there, too.). At least until the worst of this is over.

I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.

And I also want to thank you for adding the word misandrial to my vocabulary. I think I'll use it in arguments with Mrs. Fresh. All the time.

[Linty Fresh]

Getting hung up over a good man (or woman, as the case may be) happens to the best, most experienced players.

I meant, of course, a bad man or woman. Sigh. Some days, it's just not worth asking my wife to untie my hands from the bedposts . . .

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Linty Fresh

I meant, of course, a bad man or woman. Sigh. Some days, it's just not worth asking my wife to untie my hands from the bedposts . . .

ROFL!

I didn't misread it as it happens... I knew what you meant.


Out of interest though... Did I mention booze in any of my posts in this thread? In the spirit of honesty I have not entirely given up... but I know that when my state-of-mind is more stable not drinking will be a piece of cake.

[Mangetout]

Well done Lobbers; I honestly think this is for the best, even though it may hurt like hell while it unfolds.

But yeah, what Maastricht said: don't fall into the trap of being obliged to explain yourself to her; IMO, you don't even have to formalise the end of the friendship; just stop seeing her; drop off her radar; be gone.

It's like a trip to the dentist; it hurts and it hurts and it hurts, then the rotten tooth is gone and it gets better. Good luck. BTW, busy yourself with your photography; I'd like to see some more of your pictures.

[Happy Lendervedder]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

Out of interest though... Did I mention booze in any of my posts in this thread?

How could you send a drunk text message without booze?

[Zabali_Clawbane]

You did say

Originally Posted by Lobsang

In the early hours of this morning.. still drunk I sent her a text message.

You need to not drink so you can stop doing ill advised things like that. Obviously it lessens your inhibitions. For now, this is NOT a good thing.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Mangetout

Well done Lobbers; I honestly think this is for the best, even though it may hurt like hell while it unfolds.

But yeah, what Maastricht said: don't fall into the trap of being obliged to explain yourself to her; IMO, you don't even have to formalise the end of the friendship; just stop seeing her; drop off her radar; be gone.

It's like a trip to the dentist; it hurts and it hurts and it hurts, then the rotten tooth is gone and it gets better. Good luck. BTW, busy yourself with your photography; I'd like to see some more of your pictures.

That (the grey stuff) is my plan.

Anyway.. You reminded me.. I took some today. I've seen another doper post about 'delving into photography' and their pics were far better than mine.. but that's ok. Here are some of the ones I took today. All snapshots really. When I can clear my head I will be able to process all the do's and don'ts of photography that are available with efficiency.

[Lobsang]

Forgot to include the links (doh!)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9..._landscape.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...loseflower.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...t_portrait.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...blueflower.jpg

[saoirse]

Originally Posted by Linty Fresh

I meant, of course, a bad man or woman. Sigh. Some days, it's just not worth asking my wife to untie my hands from the bedposts . . .

A bad woman. Tart is pretty much gonna be a woman.

[dangermom]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

...she deserves professional civility if little else.

It's not a question of what she deserves or not. It's a question of whether you are going to act in a professional, dignified, taking-the-high-road-type way no matter what she (or anyone else for that matter) does. Only you can take away your own dignity. How you act to others shows what you are like, and is not a reflection on their characters.

Good luck getting out of this, and with the stopping drinking too.

[A.R. Cane]

I've certainly been through my share of bad relationships. In the last one I was devastated, both emotionally and financially. I've said this before, but it bears repeating. The opposite of love is not hate, more often it's indifference. You've obviously invested a lot in this person and she chose to reject or ignore your efforts. It's her loss. Ignore her, put her out of your mind and move on. If she tries to reinvolve you, just say "I'm sorry, but I'm through, you're on your own".

[Guinastasia]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

ROFL!

I didn't misread it as it happens... I knew what you meant.


Out of interest though... Did I mention booze in any of my posts in this thread? In the spirit of honesty I have not entirely given up... but I know that when my state-of-mind is more stable not drinking will be a piece of cake.

No offense, but I don't see how you can get to a stable state of mind when you're drinking so much.

[Mangetout]

One more thing; May I suggest removing the temptation to text her again by deleting her phone number from your records (including in your phone list, but also where it is stored in connection with text messages you may have sent/received and in the in/out call log).

[Telperien]

I support you in your endeavors, Lobsang, as much as one can who's neither met you or spoken to you outside this board. However, the word you're looking for is "misandrist." I have to admit misandrial does roll off the tongue nicely, though. Probably better in a non-American accent, too. Anyway, I think this is one of the best things you could possibly do for yourself. That, and take more neat pictures.

[lavenderviolet]

I think you're doing the right thing. Good for you. I know that it isn't easy to give up hope when you are infatuated with someone, but in this case it sounds like you are much better off trying to stay away from her. I'm glad that you are making these positive changes in your life. Keep up the good work.

[bobkitty]

You know, the only reason I opened this thread was because I hoped that after the Pit thread I started, Lobsang had finally matured and taken the advice of countless Dopers.

I was, unfortunately, wrong.

Instead of offering my own voice to the masses praising you for undertaking this ordeal, I feel the unavoidable urge to step in to point out the following, because it irks me:

Originally Posted by Lobsang

I now know she's an extremely messed up beyond-help manipulative promiscuous misandrial (word) lesbian dishonest cruel evil thoughtless moaning using tart.

Bolding mine.

Since you've never, ever mentioned even the possibility of this, I'm going to assume that you mean "lesbian" in the stereotypical, outdated, insulting, "man-hating" way (especially since she went to your male boss to share her woes with), and not to imply she's suddenly discovered she lives on the other end of the Kinsey scale.

Nice job, Lobbers. Takes a great amount of work to reach out and give a back-handed bitchslap to an entire segment of the population while you're looking for empathy. _{do not attack the poster.. do not attack the poster.. do not attack the poster..} I find your choice of words positively abhorent, and that is all I'm going to say about the subject.

Oh, and misandrial is not a word. Perhaps you need to reconsider your return to heavily imbibing prior to doing anything that involves words, either via the phone or the computer.

You may now return to your hugglefest.

[Maastricht]

bobkitty, you are right. But what do you expect? Lobsangs cranky and unsympathetic remarks in the OP are the posting equivalent of him slamming
a door. He's venting.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by bobkitty

Since you've never, ever mentioned even the possibility of this, I'm going to assume that you mean "lesbian" in the stereotypical, outdated, insulting, "man-hating" way (especially since she went to your male boss to share her woes with), and not to imply she's suddenly discovered she lives on the other end of the Kinsey scale.

No, I think she's bi-sexual or gay. She has a female friend she's rather too close to. I've recently heard things about them.

Originally Posted by bobkitty

Nice job, Lobbers. Takes a great amount of work to reach out and give a back-handed bitchslap to an entire segment of the population while you're looking for empathy. _{do not attack the poster.. do not attack the poster.. do not attack the poster..} I find your choice of words positively abhorent, and that is all I'm going to say about the subject.

I'm not sure why as I was stating facts.

Originally Posted by bobkitty

Oh, and misandrial is not a word. Perhaps you need to reconsider your return to heavily imbibing prior to doing anything that involves words, either via the phone or the computer.

You may now return to your hugglefest.

I did not assume it was... hence the bracketed 'word' afterwards, from which I omitted a question mark by mistake.

P.s. I have nothing against her being Bi I just wish she'd been honest about it.

[Rilchiam]

Lobsang, you'd think a Shaolin monk was too close to this girl, if she knew one. And speaking of monks, just put her down already.

[Phlosphr]

Lob - dude! Come on man! What were you thinking. You are young and full of a life ahdead without this person in it. End it gruffly and be over with it.

[bobkitty]

Originally Posted by Maastricht

bobkitty, you are right. But what do you expect? Lobsangs cranky and unsympathetic remarks in the OP are the posting equivalent of him slamming a door. He's venting.

I respectfully disagree. Venting anger/grief/disappointment does not give us the right to throw out any willy-nilly insult. Especially in this scenario, where the Love of Lobsang's Life has never been portrayed as having homosexual tendencies. Taking this, and his invective, into account, it appears on first reading that Lobsang is using an antiquated version of the word lesbian to further insult his as-of-now former friend. This is downright cruel to the myriad of posters here who *are* homosexual.

I may be angry, but (IMVHO) that does not give me the right to slag someone on the basis of race, creed, sexual orientation, etc. It would technically be correct, for example, for me to call mattmcl a cocksucker, or (were I of a different racial background) biggirl a.. well, I won't even type that word, for reasons of my own. But when I use those words surrounded by other negative ones, it takes on a totally different connotation. For example:

"That mattmcl is one hawt cocksucker. Too bad he bats for the other team."

vs.

"That mattmcl is a total racist, bigoted, uneducated, slut of a cocksucker."*

Where I work, "fag" or "queer" is a common insult among the more mentally challenged, behaviorally disordered pre-teens. And it is one of three insults I am widely known to not abide, EVER. My wrath is swift and decisive, and very few ever repeat the mistake (and remember, these are mentally challenged kids who can barely remember day-to-day how to dress themselves).


Now, let me turn my attention to Lobsang. I'm going to use very, very small words, as I want my post to be perfectly clear. All the following quotes are from his most recent post.

No, I think she's bi-sexual or gay. She has a female friend she's rather too close to. I've recently heard things about them.

You think. You THINK. YOU THINK SHE'S BISEXUAL OR GAY. Do you even HEAR yourself? "Well, rumor has it that she's good friends with another woman. She's managed to avoid falling onto my penis in a fit of pique, so she MUST be gay!"

I'm not sure why as I was stating facts.

No, you are stating WHAT YOU THINK. You have not stumbled upon this woman in flagrente delecto with another woman. You have not heard the words "I'm a lesbian/I'm bisexual" directly from her mouth. You are stating SUSPICIONS.

P.s. I have nothing against her being Bi I just wish she'd been honest about it.

It appears you have a hell of a lot against her being bisexual or gay. Let me show you the evidence, in your own words:

extremely messed up: negative.
beyond-help: negative.
manipulative: negative.
promiscuous: negative.
misandrial: were it a word, it would be negative.
lesbian: Well, let's see. The five words before have been negative, a quick glance shows the seven following words are negative, therefore I'm going to have to put this in the negative column.
dishonest: negative.
cruel: negative.
evil: negative.
thoughtless: negative.
moaning: negative.
using: negative.
tart: negative.


But that's neither here nor there. The real question, in response to this quote, is: WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS THAT SHE HAS TO BE HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT HER SEXUALITY??? You are not sleeping with her. You never slept with her. You will never sleep with her. You have NO SAY in how honest she has to be with you regarding this part of her life. If she were a pre-op hermaphroditic FTM transexual who had a penchant for cuddling up to female, bred-in-captivity dwarf albino sea lions,** SHE WOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU. To throw out her sexuality in the middle of a tirade, ACCURATE OR NOT, puts you, in my experience, on the level of pre-teen mentally challenged children.

I just don't think there's any way I can get my point across without being in the Pit. I think I should bow out before I rupture something.

You know, the person I feel the most sorry for in this situation is your boss. He must be very frustrated, being surrounded by pussies who bring their personal crap into work and put him in the middle.


_{* Used strictly for hyperbole; I am actually quite fond of matt.
** No offense intended toward anyone who actually falls into this category.}

[Stainz]

I hope this comes out right ...

By carrying around this anger & bitterness towards her, you are still maintaining and feeding and basically nurturing an emotional connection with her.

You need to completely cut all ties with her - don't talk about her, don't think about her, don't look at her, don't listen to any gossip about her ...

Can you perhaps arrange to work different shifts for a while so you don't see her?

One thing that may help (at least it worked for me) is to write her letters (but DON'T send them!) anytime you feel the urge to vent to her. This way you can be completely honest without worrying about repercussions from ANYONE - her, your friends, your boss, your follow SDMembers. I started a "journal" of such letters and periodically would look back at them - the first couple of times they made me cry, then they made me angry, and then slowly they made me realize that I was addicted to the drama of it all and that I needed to treat it as such, and go 'cold turkey'.

I told my friends not to let me talk about this person anymore - if I started, they were to shut me down and change the subject - that alone helped a lot. When no-one is listening, the appeal of the drama lessens.

Good luck. It's a tough place to be in, but if you're serious about ending this dysfunctional relationship, you can do it.

[Lobsang]

bobkitty I apologise for using the word lesbian in a negative sense.

But I know she's had sex in public with this female friend. And I've heard she was trying to offer to show one of my colleagues pictures of her and her friend up to no good.

Perhaps this type of person is not bad... It's just not someone I can cope with having feelings for.

[Linty Fresh]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

I know she's had sex in public with this female friend. And I've heard she was trying to offer to show one of my colleagues pictures of her and her friend up to no good. (Bolding mine)

This phrase answers a couple of questions I've had about your feelings about this woman. Suddenly, I understand the drinking and the bouts of depression quite a bit better now. Man, I'm ten years older than you and married to a wonderful woman whom I wouldn't even think about cheating on, but working alongside someone like that would give me cause for reflection. I don't think I would be able to help it; they would be primal. Understand that it has nothing to do with her sexuality, and I wouldn't be judging her morally or anything, and I certainly wouldn't tell her or anyone else about what was on my mind, but . . . damn . . . that's just . . . dangerous beauty on a whole different level.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Linty Fresh

This phrase answers a couple of questions I've had about your feelings about this woman. Suddenly, I understand the drinking and the bouts of depression quite a bit better now. Man, I'm ten years older than you and married to a wonderful woman whom I wouldn't even think about cheating on, but working alongside someone like that would give me cause for reflection. I don't think I would be able to help it; they would be primal. Understand that it has nothing to do with her sexuality, and I wouldn't be judging her morally or anything, and I certainly wouldn't tell her or anyone else about what was on my mind, but . . . damn . . . that's just . . . dangerous beauty on a whole different level.

It's something I found out fairly recently.

The pictures of her with friend was found out more recently (yesterday I think... I've lost track of 'days')

Under the influence of alcohol I am not fully sure what your point is but I think it's that you understand why I am into this girl.

She's messed up and promiscuous... why did she hide this from me so that I fell in love with her and THEN AFTER falling in love with her I found out what kind of person she is? Am I being punished for something? A painfully shy virgin falls for what he perceives as a 'normal and nice' girl' who eventually changes into a messed up tart... if anything is punishment that is.

[Stainz]

Well perhaps once you take care of one addiction (drinking) you will be able to also conquer your other addiction (drama) which will help you to conquer yet another addiction (her).

Good luck.

[Linty Fresh]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

She's messed up and promiscuous... why did she hide this from me so that I fell in love with her and THEN AFTER falling in love with her I found out what kind of person she is?

I'll take "Answering Your Own Question In The Same Sentence" for $500, Alex.

Am I being punished for something? A painfully shy virgin falls for what he perceives as a 'normal and nice' girl' who eventually changes into a messed up tart... if anything is punishment that is.

No, no, no, a thousand times, no! You're not being punished--divinely or otherwise--for something anymore than the frog who hops into the highway and gets squashed by a tractor trailor is getting punished. It's just a question of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting in over your head.

Lobsang, a big part of getting over this is going to involve the realization that what this woman is doing really has nothing to do with you. This is just how this woman is. She could be hitting it with, oh, say, Johnny Depp or Rowan Atkinson, and she would act the exact same way. You're the lightning rod, and as far as lightning is concerned, one rod is pretty much like another. It's just that some rods stick out a little more and are a little easier to hit.

It's not who you are, Lobsang, it's what you represent to her. Don't take it too much to heart. Don't get caught up in someone else's headspace.

[Scissorjack]

Originally Posted by Linty Fresh

It's just that some rods stick out a little more and are a little easier to hit.

Must...fight...urge...

[Uvula Donor]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

Am I being punished for something? A painfully shy virgin falls for what he perceives as a 'normal and nice' girl' who eventually changes into a messed up tart... if anything is punishment that is.

Get over yourself and you'll find it easier to get over whatever you imagined you "had" with her.

[Guinastasia]

For godsakes, Lobsang, put down the goddamned bottle.

This woman may be a total crackwhore, but that's none of your business.

Please, once again, please get help for yourself.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Guinastasia

For godsakes, Lobsang, put down the goddamned bottle.

This woman may be a total crackwhore, but that's none of your business.

Please, once again, please get help for yourself.

Well... I just sent her the following... having been confronted by her about the text message and had a loooooooooooong chat afterwards...

"Lisa I am Sorry I said those things in that text message. You did not deserve to be called those things. From now on I will keep my thoughts private.



I am going to stop drinking. And possibly even get help for depression. I will be able to cope with my ‘problems’ once I have detoxified.



I would like us to stay friends… I value your opinions and respect you as a person. I am concerned for your safety but there’s not much I can do that you would be willing to let me do regarding that situation.





What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger… It is good that I am in a situation where I am being forced to sort out issues that have hung over me for most of my life. I can come out of this a better happier person than I have been since childhood. And I hope things will eventually get better for you too. If I kick a seven year habit please don’t you start one. Please don’t turn to drink or drugs.



I know you say you ‘don’t do feelings’ but you are a human being and ‘feelings’ are not things we have control over. One day you will find someone you will have feelings for and I hope that person will treat you right, and see you as a person who deserves love and respect.





Peter.
"


Guinn.. I Will stop. I will get help. I will come out of this a better person.

[bobkitty]

I.. I.. yea gods, I give up.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by bobkitty

I.. I.. yea gods, I give up.

Good for you.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

Lobsang, I truly hope you do quit, and that you do get help for your depression and other issues. I hope you make more than enough progress to make up for all the "one step forwards, two steps back" that you've been doing. (As in, you just took two steps back when you contacted her again.)

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Zabali_Clawbane

Lobsang, I truly hope you do quit, and that you do get help for your depression and other issues. I hope you make more than enough progress to make up for all the "one step forwards, two steps back" that you've been doing. (As in, you just took two steps back when you contacted her again.)

I did take two steps back. She confronted me about the text and my blanking of her.. and re-established friendship.

But she had a point. As we have to work together I cannot continue blanking her. I have to maintain a dialogue with her.

I have to have more backbone and not feel sorry for myself and resort to drink. Once I do that it won't matter that I'm in Love with a colleague and a friend because I can cope with that. Not as much anyway.

[Lobsang]

Originally Posted by Lobsang

I have to have more backbone and not feel sorry for myself and resort to drink. Once I do that it won't matter that I'm in Love with a colleague and a friend because I can cope with that. Not as much anyway.

Not to mention the fact that sooner or later I will fall out of Love with her.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

You can work with someone, and be courteous in a professional manner, without being friends. Keep her at arm's length, if not further away. She's the camel, trying to get it's nose into the tent. If you let this happen, the entire camel will follow. Sunfish has the right of it.

[treis]

Originally Posted by bobkitty

I.. I.. yea gods, I give up.

Are you really suprised? I mean for god's sake the title of the thread is "I am taking steps..." which means I am going to say I am going to try but I really don't want to. There are no "steps" to ending a friendship. There is one step, telling the person you don't want to be friends with them anymore and sticking to that. Thats it.

[bobkitty]

Originally Posted by treis

Are you really suprised? I mean for god's sake the title of the thread is "I am taking steps..." which means I am going to say I am going to try but I really don't want to. There are no "steps" to ending a friendship. There is one step, telling the person you don't want to be friends with them anymore and sticking to that. Thats it.

I am not surprised; indeed, in the class I teach I have an entire section where I talk about never, ever using the word "try" because it tricks us into thinking we've succeeded when in fact we're no closer to our goal.

My post came more from the frustrating feeling of being between a rock and a hard place, also known as my intense desire to respond to the continuing information being provided in the thread and the recognition that doing so outside of the Pit would bring the wrath of a Mod down upon my head. I tried to think of a nice way to phrase my thoughts so that they might make it through the drink-addled, thick skull of the OP, but simply couldn't.

However, should this thread be moved, I may re-visit it.

[Ferret Herder]

IMO - stop text-messaging her. Delete her number from your cell phone. Be cordial but distant at work - no idle chit-chat beyond what's required socially (like saying hi in the hall, not conversations about weekend plans, etc.), no social E-mails. All you've shown her in the last couple days is that she's still got her hooks very, very deep in you and that you simply can't break away from her.