Depressed, Paranoid, Sleep deprived, Lonely, Up and Down, In Love.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

All me.

I think somewhere in the events of the past months my brain broke. I am all over the place.

I am now only happy when I am with the girl I’m in Love with (I say ‘with’ in a literal sense, i.e. when she is in the same room as me) And even that is not always the case.

Since I told her I had feelings for her and she half- turned me down I have been more in Love with her and I thought telling her would have made things easier (don’t get me wrong I don’t regrett telling her) but it hasn’t.
My life can only continue in one of two ways. Either I ‘get’ her and spend all the time I can with her… or I eliminate her from my life entirely… buy changing jobs and breaking contact with her.

2

Oh, hon.

hugs, sits on doorstep and passes the bottle of tequila

3

You know what is possibly the worst thing about this…

I can’t share this information with my closest friend… because she’s it! I don’t want to give her the burden of knowing she’s the cause of my pain and suffering. She’s happy at the moment.

4

some fucking powerful dude is listening. she just stumbled in drunk and told me she handed her notice in. What the fuck?

5

Wow. Two hour turn-around. That’s fast.

6

No offense Lobsang, but you are obsessed with this woman. You need to break off all contact, now.

7

Do you have a counselor you could tell this to? If not, you should get a counselor to help you sort this out and find out which way is up again. This isn’t healthy. You need to find your equilibrium. I’ll send some good thoughts your way Lobsang, you’ve got a tough thing to deal with. Don’t give up though, keep working until you’ve found your balance again.

8

That which is the most unobtainable is the most desireable.
This would be an ideal time to write a screenplay. I’m thinking a Notting Hill-About A Boy kinda thing.
Hugh Grant could play you.

9

This is your lucky day. Maybe you will be able to get on with your life if you don’t work with her any longer.

And I second going to see a counselor. You don’t seem to be thinking right.

10

Seconded. This isn’t healthy, dude. Even if you wind up with her, this sort of thing always ends badly.

11

Thirded, but go to a counselor to help sort it out too.

12

That was one of the options. And to be perfectly honest, knowing her as I do… I’ve already imagined both scenarios (being totally with, and being totally without) and about the totally with scenario the life I imagined was not peachy.
I will think about seeing a counsilor. I’ve seen one before… they were next to useless. (this was like 6 years ago when I was incredibly low during my university tenure).

13

Oh and to all those who say it will end badly (and I have heard it many times) don’t you think I realize that? Isn’t that like saying in midair, with a broken parachute ‘this will end badly’.

‘this’ is beyond my control and always was. If it ends badly or if it doesn’t I am well and truly in mid air with a broken parachute. It’s not as if I’m in the plane waiting to jump.

14

Eh, no need for shrinks. You just got the syrup ass for a girl. You will go through a few weeks/months of torture, then one day, the sun will come up, and you’ll meet someone else. Not that that helps, but in the long run, it’ll play out. When I think back on what I regret, it’s mostly fretting over someone I’m glad I didn’t end up with.

::swigs heartily from the bottle of tequila Kythereia has so thoughtfully provided, wipes the top with sleeve and passes it back to Lobsang::

15

And to think… this morning I was going through the many many threads I’d posted about her in the last month… and feeling happy as larry, and completely at peace with the knowledge that I love her… and eventually resolving to re-publish them as one complete story, with annotations based on hindsight.

It would begin with the thread I actually posted nearly a year ago… talking about the girl from upstairs with the lovely phone voice. and how nothing happened between then and five months ago… when the staff from upstairs got moved downstairs and I posted about how greatful I was to my new boss for doing that.

And I was happy for four and 3 quarters of that five month period until such time as she broke up with her bf… and I fell into depression… and she noticed. And then I heard from two people that she had heard a rumour I liked her. I got more depressed. One day I was so depressed I had the thousand-mile stare. She looked at me and said… “you look really down” and I detected real concern in her voice. Later that shift we were outside. This is when i told her.

Her face lit up and she said ‘I am blind aren’t I’

At some point I said something like… but I’ve suspected for a while that you’ve known and that you don’t see me that way and you’re worried you’ll lose me as a friend.

And my hazy memory has her replying “It’s not that. It’s just I’m not in that place right now… maybe in a few months… I’ve just broke up with ”

I think I might have interrupted or responded to a bit of um and er with…

“I could tell you wanted your space. I respect that.”

Somewhere I said “I knew this would probably be your reaction. I value our friendship and I am ok with this”

I can’t remember where I was going with this recount. I might have been working towards making the point that … no… I remember now…
There was a moment between her saying ‘I’m blind arent I’ and my cowardly feeding to her of her probable response (at the time I wanted to save her the burden of having to turn me down by telling her I thought she probably would and was ok with it) where I had hope… that moment contained possibly the biggest fateful fork in my life thusfar. Will she dive on me and say ‘what the fuck took you so long’ or will she make her excuses and rush off asap.

And where it didn’t go the ‘dive on me’ route I think that’s when my brain initiated the self destruct sequence.

Sunday I’ll be with her, and after the first hour or so I’ll be on cloud nine. Then when I leave I’ll be in hell because I am not with her. 70 percent of the time I am with her I am very happy. 90 percent of the time I’m not with her I’m very unhappy.

If I end up with her I get the 70% (and 30% of hell)

If I am lucky enough to break contact with her I get the 5% increasing to 50% over time.

Ok now I’m talking shit. (drink… I think that as a single troubled man in his twenties I am entitled to it)

16

Maybe you need to find a competent counselor, who can teach you to live life in such a way that many things aren’t beyond your control, and that you can choose how to deal with things. Whether to act, or react, and how to feel. Believe it or not, and trite as it might seem, there is a song my parents played in fits of whimsy that I’ve found has a seed of wisdom to it, if you can catch yourself in time and follow the advice. You just have to learn how to go about it, which takes time and patience. The thing is, you have to learn how to do such things before you reach a crisis. I’m not saying that you should cultivate Mr. Spock’s ironclad control, but perhaps more than you have now? There is a middle ground, and you can find contetment on it. You don’t have to let the winds of your emotions blow you, you can guide the winds and go where you choose.

17

Isn’t this the girl who’s seeing another man, and who you say uses and manipulates people?

Think of it this way - she knows you’re pining for her, and yet she acts happy around you? If a guy I knew had just told me something like that, I wouldn’t be seeming so blissful in front of him. Maybe, just maybe, she’s happy because she’s getting what she wants from you - your devotion without the bother of dating you.

18

Maybe I should send her an e-mail containing links to every thread I ever posted about her and see what happens.
I really appreciate all you guys trying to help me through this. If I didn’t have this place to turn to in times of trouble I have absolutely no idea where I’d be. Maybe I should turn up to one of these fabled dopefests and by you all a round.

19

Please don’t act on this whim, it wouldn’t turn out well. Let her be, (as far as showing her the threads at least) and you deal with your feelings/balance.

20

She was dating another man. But she broke up with him.

And I think she’s a user… but a stupid part of me thought I was the one person she wouldn’t use. She would steadfastly refuse any kind of help I tried to offer her.

You pinpointed one clear reason for the paranoia from the title of this thread.