I am taking steps to end the most damaging friendship I've ever had and...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

… Get my life back.

When I met the person in question I thought she was an ordinary attractive girl of twenty who carelessly got pregnant at the age of seventeen… The ‘boyfriend’ being off the scene. She dressed and acted like a nice girl. Bubbly, nice to everyone, kind, caring.

I also thought she was interested in me.

(There is part of her life/past that I will not go into in the OP but which may come out in later posts.)

I now know she’s an extremely messed up beyond-help manipulative promiscuous misandrial (word) lesbian dishonest cruel evil thoughtless moaning using tart.

I’m done being used… The final straw was having to listen to (again) her whining about how she’s had to move house sixteen times and has ‘got no-one’… this time to the boss. I felt sorry for her when it was me getting all that… I tried and tried to comfort her and offer help and be ‘someone to talk to’.

I’ve had at least seven close friends (including our very own ZipperJJ via IM) tell me I need to break friendship. Well now I am taking their advice onboard.

ZipperJJ has been incredibly helpfull and supportive and I list her as one of the three people who’s advice has pushed me to act. The other two are my Dad, and one of my close colleagues… who kept his mouth shut about the whole thing until a few days ago. Anyway… I am eternally greatful to you Jessica (Zipper). Especially if this works.
It’s going to be hard… very hard to see it through… knowing that I am going to be volountarily killing off any hope I had of there being something with the girl. A hope that she kept alive through her vague words and feined enjoyment of my company.

In the early hours of this morning… still drunk I sent her a text message. This being the day after I had a perfectly good day ruined by her coming in (when not supposed to be on shift) for the last three hours of mine… mine which had been very productive and had not involved any thoughts about her… and hearing her whining. I blanked her completely and when time came to leave I said goodbye to everyone except her… I had asked the boss… in her earshot if he minded if I left early.

The text message was as follows…

"I fell in love with you before I knew what a helpless manipulative messed up tart you were. More fool me

I’m still in love with you which is why I feel like crap. You keep my interest alive with your fake friendliness… but keep me at distance. It is torturing me. I wanted to help you and you moan that you have no-one. I am sick of it!"

I am not going to pretend it was a good idea. I know the ‘still in love’ bit wasn’t.

(I just forwarded it from my old phone using my mum’s sim card to my new phone… so on my new phone it looks like it’s from my mum to me… whoops. My mum called me a tart and is in love with me!!)

Today my boss sent me an e-mail saying he noticed I was pissed off with her… He already knows what the situation is (he’s one of the seven) I sent him a reply saying I’m pissed off with her in general and can’t carry on being her friend.
Any advice on breaking up a friendship is welcome.

Any advice on working with a tart whom you have strong feelings for while blanking them and not being friendly and watching them be friendly with other people that would be MOST welcome… because I’m dreading it. Don’t know if I’ll be able to face it.

2

Wait… this is the relationship so many Dopers advised you to end?

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Apparently. He also said he was quitting drinking.

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Don’t take it the wrong way… It’s just come to a head that’s all… as I said the final straw was the whining. it was enough to make the blindingly obvious take a higher level in my brain than the hope.

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p.s. I knew everyone was right a long time ago… I was just weak… I was hanging on to the little bit of pleasure I could derrive from the friendship… and it was pleasurable…

I now know that pleasure is not worth the pain that comes inbetween.

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I should also stress that ZipperJJ’s help has been via MSN not via the SDMB…

I value every doper’s input on the dope, but with all due respect none of you can be considered “close friends” (except Zipper)
Zipper get your ass back online btw… I miss our chats.

Or should I say ‘arse’.

7

Lobsang, good for you.

I’ve been where you are.. It will be hard to end it when you still have to see this girl at work. But it can be done. Expect the occasional emotional relapse, but don’t act on them.

Don’t fall in the trap of continuing the relationship, but now in the negative. The best thing to do stop investing energy in this girl; and hating her or wanting her to see herself for what she really is, will costs you energy too. The emotional state to strive for is indifference.

But that takes time, at least another year. Again, good for you. Good luck.

8

No offense, but if it took your seven close friends to make you act, when literally dozens of Dopers were telling you the same thing… I don’t really know why you’re asking advice of anyone here at this point. Be that as it may -

You have discovered the #1 reason why people are not encouraged to pursue relationships at work. Everybody thinks (yours truly included) that it will be different for them if the relationship doesn’t work out, but it’s seldom the case.

My advice to you is that, since you will be seeing her in a professional setting, your behavior should be
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wait for it
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purely professional. That means you speak to her only regarding work, as necessary; that you not show yourself to be pissed off at her, or upset, or pining, whichever way you feel; and that you not talk about her to your work colleagues, who don’t really need to be stuck in the personal business between you and her. Essentially, treat her politely as if she were a stranger with whom you have no prior history. Do not give her any cause to point a finger at you and say that you are making her work environment intolerable by your behavior. Be the bigger person and avoid the petty bullshit you may be oh-so-tempted to indulge in.

Will it be difficult? At first, you can be sure it will be. Use your current state of being fed up to steel yourself for dealings with her, and I think you’ll find after a few weeks that it’s much easier to disregard her presence and get on with your life.

Good luck.

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You make a good point… And at this point in my reply no offence is taken.

I will try… and believe me, Despite the overwhelming sense of being in ‘wonderland’ (not in the good sense the word ‘wonder’ implies… I.e. deep down the rabbit hole) there is still part of me that knows she is a person and that my problem with her is in large-part my own doing (but not entirely… she has been stringing me along) and that she deserves professional civility if little else.

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I’d just like to say congrats to you, Lobsang. I know what you’re doing is very difficult, and I know I mean nothing to you at all, but I respect and completely agree with what you’ve decided to do.

11

Lobsang, I hear you, and I know it’s not easy. I’ve been there too..

If you would care to listen to the words of someone who’s been there, here goes:

  1. You’ll eventually get over her. The bad times pass, and you’ll be left with the good memories.
  2. Along those same lines, you’ve always got to be a bit careful, because you never quite forget her. There will come a point where you’ll have to consciously remind yourself why you ended the friendship.
  3. Don’t be too down on yourself. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Getting hung up over a good man (or woman, as the case may be) happens to the best, most experienced players. You can learn from this sort of thing, but nothing in life quite prepares you for something like it beforehand.
  4. I don’t wish to nag, Lobsang, but you might want to consider laying off the booze (I’ve been there, too.). At least until the worst of this is over.

I wish you luck. Let us know how it goes.

And I also want to thank you for adding the word misandrial to my vocabulary. I think I’ll use it in arguments with Mrs. Fresh. All the time.

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I meant, of course, a bad man or woman. Sigh. Some days, it’s just not worth asking my wife to untie my hands from the bedposts . . .

13

ROFL!

I didn’t misread it as it happens… I knew what you meant.
Out of interest though… Did I mention booze in any of my posts in this thread? In the spirit of honesty I have not entirely given up… but I know that when my state-of-mind is more stable not drinking will be a piece of cake.

14

Well done Lobbers; I honestly think this is for the best, even though it may hurt like hell while it unfolds.

But yeah, what Maastricht said: don’t fall into the trap of being obliged to explain yourself to her; IMO, you don’t even have to formalise the end of the friendship; just stop seeing her; drop off her radar; be gone.

It’s like a trip to the dentist; it hurts and it hurts and it hurts, then the rotten tooth is gone and it gets better. Good luck. BTW, busy yourself with your photography; I’d like to see some more of your pictures.

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How could you send a drunk text message without booze?

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You did say

You need to not drink so you can stop doing ill advised things like that. Obviously it lessens your inhibitions. For now, this is NOT a good thing.

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That (the grey stuff) is my plan.

Anyway… You reminded me… I took some today. I’ve seen another doper post about ‘delving into photography’ and their pics were far better than mine… but that’s ok. Here are some of the ones I took today. All snapshots really. When I can clear my head I will be able to process all the do’s and don’ts of photography that are available with efficiency.

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Forgot to include the links (doh!)




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A bad woman. Tart is pretty much gonna be a woman.

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It’s not a question of what she deserves or not. It’s a question of whether you are going to act in a professional, dignified, taking-the-high-road-type way no matter what she (or anyone else for that matter) does. Only you can take away your own dignity. How you act to others shows what you are like, and is not a reflection on their characters.

Good luck getting out of this, and with the stopping drinking too. :slight_smile: