I’ve certainly been through my share of bad relationships. In the last one I was devastated, both emotionally and financially. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. The opposite of love is not hate, more often it’s indifference. You’ve obviously invested a lot in this person and she chose to reject or ignore your efforts. It’s her loss. Ignore her, put her out of your mind and move on. If she tries to reinvolve you, just say “I’m sorry, but I’m through, you’re on your own”.
No offense, but I don’t see how you can get to a stable state of mind when you’re drinking so much.
One more thing; May I suggest removing the temptation to text her again by deleting her phone number from your records (including in your phone list, but also where it is stored in connection with text messages you may have sent/received and in the in/out call log).
I support you in your endeavors, Lobsang, as much as one can who’s neither met you or spoken to you outside this board. However, the word you’re looking for is “misandrist.” I have to admit misandrial does roll off the tongue nicely, though. Probably better in a non-American accent, too. 
Anyway, I think this is one of the best things you could possibly do for yourself. That, and take more neat pictures.
I think you’re doing the right thing. Good for you. I know that it isn’t easy to give up hope when you are infatuated with someone, but in this case it sounds like you are much better off trying to stay away from her. I’m glad that you are making these positive changes in your life. Keep up the good work. 
You know, the only reason I opened this thread was because I hoped that after the Pit thread I started, Lobsang had finally matured and taken the advice of countless Dopers.
I was, unfortunately, wrong.
Instead of offering my own voice to the masses praising you for undertaking this ordeal, I feel the unavoidable urge to step in to point out the following, because it irks me:
Bolding mine.
Since you’ve never, ever mentioned even the possibility of this, I’m going to assume that you mean “lesbian” in the stereotypical, outdated, insulting, “man-hating” way (especially since she went to your male boss to share her woes with), and not to imply she’s suddenly discovered she lives on the other end of the Kinsey scale.
Nice job, Lobbers. Takes a great amount of work to reach out and give a back-handed bitchslap to an entire segment of the population while you’re looking for empathy. [sub]do not attack the poster… do not attack the poster… do not attack the poster…[/sub] I find your choice of words positively abhorent, and that is all I’m going to say about the subject.
Oh, and misandrial is not a word. Perhaps you need to reconsider your return to heavily imbibing prior to doing anything that involves words, either via the phone or the computer.
You may now return to your hugglefest.
bobkitty, you are right. But what do you expect? Lobsangs cranky and unsympathetic remarks in the OP are the posting equivalent of him slamming
a door. He’s venting.
No, I think she’s bi-sexual or gay. She has a female friend she’s rather too close to. I’ve recently heard things about them.
I’m not sure why as I was stating facts.
I did not assume it was… hence the bracketed ‘word’ afterwards, from which I omitted a question mark by mistake.
P.s. I have nothing against her being Bi I just wish she’d been honest about it.
Lobsang, you’d think a Shaolin monk was too close to this girl, if she knew one. And speaking of monks, just put her down already.
Lob - dude! Come on man! What were you thinking. You are young and full of a life ahdead without this person in it. End it gruffly and be over with it.
I respectfully disagree. Venting anger/grief/disappointment does not give us the right to throw out any willy-nilly insult. Especially in this scenario, where the Love of Lobsang’s Life has never been portrayed as having homosexual tendencies. Taking this, and his invective, into account, it appears on first reading that Lobsang is using an antiquated version of the word lesbian to further insult his as-of-now former friend. This is downright cruel to the myriad of posters here who are homosexual.
I may be angry, but (IMVHO) that does not give me the right to slag someone on the basis of race, creed, sexual orientation, etc. It would technically be correct, for example, for me to call mattmcl a cocksucker, or (were I of a different racial background) biggirl a… well, I won’t even type that word, for reasons of my own. But when I use those words surrounded by other negative ones, it takes on a totally different connotation. For example:
“That mattmcl is one hawt cocksucker. Too bad he bats for the other team.”
vs.
“That mattmcl is a total racist, bigoted, uneducated, slut of a cocksucker.”*
Where I work, “fag” or “queer” is a common insult among the more mentally challenged, behaviorally disordered pre-teens. And it is one of three insults I am widely known to not abide, EVER. My wrath is swift and decisive, and very few ever repeat the mistake (and remember, these are mentally challenged kids who can barely remember day-to-day how to dress themselves).
Now, let me turn my attention to Lobsang. I’m going to use very, very small words, as I want my post to be perfectly clear. All the following quotes are from his most recent post.
You think. You THINK. YOU THINK SHE’S BISEXUAL OR GAY. Do you even HEAR yourself? “Well, rumor has it that she’s good friends with another woman. She’s managed to avoid falling onto my penis in a fit of pique, so she MUST be gay!”
No, you are stating WHAT YOU THINK. You have not stumbled upon this woman in flagrente delecto with another woman. You have not heard the words “I’m a lesbian/I’m bisexual” directly from her mouth. You are stating SUSPICIONS.
It appears you have a hell of a lot against her being bisexual or gay. Let me show you the evidence, in your own words:
extremely messed up: negative.
beyond-help: negative.
manipulative: negative.
promiscuous: negative.
misandrial: were it a word, it would be negative.
lesbian: Well, let’s see. The five words before have been negative, a quick glance shows the seven following words are negative, therefore I’m going to have to put this in the negative column.
dishonest: negative.
cruel: negative.
evil: negative.
thoughtless: negative.
moaning: negative.
using: negative.
tart: negative.
But that’s neither here nor there. The real question, in response to this quote, is: WHAT BUSINESS IS IT OF YOURS THAT SHE HAS TO BE HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT HER SEXUALITY??? You are not sleeping with her. You never slept with her. You will never sleep with her. You have NO SAY in how honest she has to be with you regarding this part of her life. If she were a pre-op hermaphroditic FTM transexual who had a penchant for cuddling up to female, bred-in-captivity dwarf albino sea lions,** SHE WOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU. To throw out her sexuality in the middle of a tirade, ACCURATE OR NOT, puts you, in my experience, on the level of pre-teen mentally challenged children.
I just don’t think there’s any way I can get my point across without being in the Pit. I think I should bow out before I rupture something.
You know, the person I feel the most sorry for in this situation is your boss. He must be very frustrated, being surrounded by pussies who bring their personal crap into work and put him in the middle.
[sub]* Used strictly for hyperbole; I am actually quite fond of matt.
** No offense intended toward anyone who actually falls into this category.[/sub]
I hope this comes out right …
By carrying around this anger & bitterness towards her, you are still maintaining and feeding and basically nurturing an emotional connection with her.
You need to completely cut all ties with her - don’t talk about her, don’t think about her, don’t look at her, don’t listen to any gossip about her …
Can you perhaps arrange to work different shifts for a while so you don’t see her?
One thing that may help (at least it worked for me) is to write her letters (but DON’T send them!) anytime you feel the urge to vent to her. This way you can be completely honest without worrying about repercussions from ANYONE - her, your friends, your boss, your follow SDMembers. I started a “journal” of such letters and periodically would look back at them - the first couple of times they made me cry, then they made me angry, and then slowly they made me realize that I was ** addicted to the drama of it all ** and that I needed to treat it as such, and go ‘cold turkey’.
I told my friends not to let me talk about this person anymore - if I started, they were to shut me down and change the subject - that alone helped a lot. When no-one is listening, the appeal of the drama lessens.
Good luck. It’s a tough place to be in, but if you’re serious about ending this dysfunctional relationship, you can do it.
bobkitty I apologise for using the word lesbian in a negative sense.
But I know she’s had sex in public with this female friend. And I’ve heard she was trying to offer to show one of my colleagues pictures of her and her friend up to no good.
Perhaps this type of person is not bad… It’s just not someone I can cope with having feelings for.
:eek: :eek: :eek:
This phrase answers a couple of questions I’ve had about your feelings about this woman. Suddenly, I understand the drinking and the bouts of depression quite a bit better now. Man, I’m ten years older than you and married to a wonderful woman whom I wouldn’t even think about cheating on, but working alongside someone like that would give me cause for reflection. I don’t think I would be able to help it; they would be primal. Understand that it has nothing to do with her sexuality, and I wouldn’t be judging her morally or anything, and I certainly wouldn’t tell her or anyone else about what was on my mind, but . . . damn . . . that’s just . . . dangerous beauty on a whole different level.
It’s something I found out fairly recently.
The pictures of her with friend was found out more recently (yesterday I think… I’ve lost track of ‘days’)
Under the influence of alcohol I am not fully sure what your point is but I think it’s that you understand why I am into this girl.
She’s messed up and promiscuous… why did she hide this from me so that I fell in love with her and THEN AFTER falling in love with her I found out what kind of person she is? Am I being punished for something? A painfully shy virgin falls for what he perceives as a ‘normal and nice’ girl’ who eventually changes into a messed up tart… if anything is punishment that is.
Well perhaps once you take care of one addiction (drinking) you will be able to also conquer your other addiction (drama) which will help you to conquer yet another addiction (her).
Good luck.
I’ll take “Answering Your Own Question In The Same Sentence” for $500, Alex.
No, no, no, a thousand times, no! You’re not being punished–divinely or otherwise–for something anymore than the frog who hops into the highway and gets squashed by a tractor trailor is getting punished. It’s just a question of being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting in over your head.
Lobsang, a big part of getting over this is going to involve the realization that what this woman is doing really has nothing to do with you. This is just how this woman is. She could be hitting it with, oh, say, Johnny Depp or Rowan Atkinson, and she would act the exact same way. You’re the lightning rod, and as far as lightning is concerned, one rod is pretty much like another. It’s just that some rods stick out a little more and are a little easier to hit.
It’s not who you are, Lobsang, it’s what you represent to her. Don’t take it too much to heart. Don’t get caught up in someone else’s headspace.
Must…fight…urge…
:rolleyes:
Get over yourself and you’ll find it easier to get over whatever you imagined you “had” with her.
For godsakes, Lobsang, put down the goddamned bottle.
This woman may be a total crackwhore, but that’s none of your business.
Please, once again, please get help for yourself.