Well… I just sent her the following… having been confronted by her about the text message and had a loooooooooooong chat afterwards…
"Lisa I am Sorry I said those things in that text message. You did not deserve to be called those things. From now on I will keep my thoughts private.
I am going to stop drinking. And possibly even get help for depression. I will be able to cope with my ‘problems’ once I have detoxified.
I would like us to stay friends… I value your opinions and respect you as a person. I am concerned for your safety but there’s not much I can do that you would be willing to let me do regarding that situation.
What doesn’t kill me will make me stronger… It is good that I am in a situation where I am being forced to sort out issues that have hung over me for most of my life. I can come out of this a better happier person than I have been since childhood. And I hope things will eventually get better for you too. If I kick a seven year habit please don’t you start one. Please don’t turn to drink or drugs.
I know you say you ‘don’t do feelings’ but you are a human being and ‘feelings’ are not things we have control over. One day you will find someone you will have feelings for and I hope that person will treat you right, and see you as a person who deserves love and respect.
Peter.
"
Guinn… I Will stop. I will get help. I will come out of this a better person.
Lobsang, I truly hope you do quit, and that you do get help for your depression and other issues. I hope you make more than enough progress to make up for all the “one step forwards, two steps back” that you’ve been doing. (As in, you just took two steps back when you contacted her again.)
I did take two steps back. She confronted me about the text and my blanking of her… and re-established friendship.
But she had a point. As we have to work together I cannot continue blanking her. I have to maintain a dialogue with her.
I have to have more backbone and not feel sorry for myself and resort to drink. Once I do that it won’t matter that I’m in Love with a colleague and a friend because I can cope with that. Not as much anyway.
You can work with someone, and be courteous in a professional manner, without being friends. Keep her at arm’s length, if not further away. She’s the camel, trying to get it’s nose into the tent. If you let this happen, the entire camel will follow. Sunfish has the right of it.
Are you really suprised? I mean for god’s sake the title of the thread is “I am taking steps…” which means I am going to say I am going to try but I really don’t want to. There are no “steps” to ending a friendship. There is one step, telling the person you don’t want to be friends with them anymore and sticking to that. Thats it.
I am not surprised; indeed, in the class I teach I have an entire section where I talk about never, ever using the word “try” because it tricks us into thinking we’ve succeeded when in fact we’re no closer to our goal.
My post came more from the frustrating feeling of being between a rock and a hard place, also known as my intense desire to respond to the continuing information being provided in the thread and the recognition that doing so outside of the Pit would bring the wrath of a Mod down upon my head. I tried to think of a nice way to phrase my thoughts so that they might make it through the drink-addled, thick skull of the OP, but simply couldn’t.
However, should this thread be moved, I may re-visit it.
IMO - stop text-messaging her. Delete her number from your cell phone. Be cordial but distant at work - no idle chit-chat beyond what’s required socially (like saying hi in the hall, not conversations about weekend plans, etc.), no social E-mails. All you’ve shown her in the last couple days is that she’s still got her hooks very, very deep in you and that you simply can’t break away from her.
Oh, and just as a heads-up? You might have well just slapped these “close friends” in the face. They cared enough about you to convince you that you’re being self-destructive, and your resolve lasted not even two days. She sulked/bitched at you about being so mean and you fell right back into line. You might want to think about what you’re getting out of this as a benefit, that makes it such an attractive tradeoff for you.
The tone of his posts in this thread have the distinct flavor of someone who’s desperately trying to believe what he’s saying, or desperately trying to convince the reader to believe it. At least it did until he got drunk and completely fell apart. The latter third of the first page was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.
Lobsang, I see in your situation a lot of what’s going on in my life right now, and it puts my own pathetic behavior into perspective. On the one hand, it’s good to get some idea of just how wretched and self-destructive I’m being. On the other, I don’t want that at the expense of someone else. Do you really want your example only to serve as a warning to others?
By trying to hold onto this relationship beyond anything but the barest minimum of interaction that your work requires, you’re only giving the attention she wants. She does not care about you. She does not want your friendship. She is feeding on your soul, and IT IS DESTROYING YOU.
And thank you, Linty Fresh, for sharing your experience. Your example is inspiring.
Lobsang, you keep portraying yourself as a victim, and I’m not buying it. This girl might be all kinds of bad human being, but until you start taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions, you will get absolutely nowhere. You are not powerless; you made choices to get yourself into this situation, and you can make choices to get yourself out. If you want to. If you can give up the drama and the self-pity.
I don’t know which is funnier/sadder. Someone posting for advice they have no intention of following, or others posting advice knowing the OP has no intention of following it.