I found out she fancies the boss (a lot) despite denying it to me on many occasions. I can deal with this but if she had been honest with me I’d have been able to deal with it months ago. I feel like crap because it puts another nail in the coffin of a possible future with her. In general I have no chance simply because I am too young! If I were ten years older. If only.
She’s on holiday. I’m missing her and stewing at the same time.
I’ve stewed a lot for months now.
Stewing on the shock that she has a romantic interest in the boss. Stewing on the knowledge that something bad happened to her mid-february and I have no idea what. She’s talked of suicide. She’s admitted to using cocaine. She lied to me about that until I caught her out (not literally ‘caught’) I’m stewing on the worry that she’s going down a bad road.
I’ve stewed on some of the two-faced things she’s done lately.
I lent her money. She set up repayments but they’ve stopped. I can’t ask her about it til she gets back.
We’re still friends (why you may scream) because I like her and we work together and we talk and I feel better/good when I am around her.
My feelings for her had gone totally in the wrong direction… stronger. Now though, When I think about her all I feel is a sickly betrayed sort of feeling in my gut. Increasingly I have nothing but negative feelings and thoughts about her. I have conditioned myself against indulging in nice thoughts… How well or how long that conditioning will hold I don’t know. But it means I am stuck with depressing agonising thoughts about her or mediocre unmotivated thoughts about life. No nice thoughts about anything. I was getting by on nice thoughts but my task, my mission, my duty is to not think them and it’s a horrible duty.
How long I will love her for or have this preoccupation for I dread to think. I am finding out that these things can last years or even decades (or og-forbid - lifetimes). I was hoping it would be mere months. But I can’t imagine a future where I don’t feel something. It’s too scary a prospect - to imagine that one day I might still be her aquaintance and not feel any different about her than any other girl.
I broke down in tears a few weeks back (No-one saw. I was on a secluded beach) First time I’ve done that since childhood. They say it helps. It felt good in a weird sort of way. It was brought about by my trying to forcibly imagine the above mentioned scenario (a future without the feelings) and it ended up feeling sort of like a future where she was no longer alive.
I cried again, more recently. For a few moments. (no-one saw, again, but this time it was in a more public place)
It is a small help (but a help none the less) typing this out but the clock is ticking and I’m at work in an hour. Got to get ready.
Reminder: Not looking for answers… just releasing preasure.
Paraphrased from Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison:
“You think that because she doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because she doesn’t want you that she is right — that her judgment and opinion of you are correct…You think she belongs to you because you want to belong to her. Lobsang, don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong’. Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that…You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own her. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does she. You’re turning over your whole life to her. Your whole life, boy. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to her, why should it mean any more to her? She can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
Yeah, man, you sound like me when I was 20. I lived with a woman that I was convinced I could “turn around” if I just slept with her enough. Didn’t work and I went homeless for a while because of that.
She’s totally using you, dude. Find a spine and then a woman.
And she’s something of an emotional vampire too. I wonder whether you feel envy for your boss? If so, don’t: if he has anything to do with her, he will end up being messed around too.
Run away to sea. Stowaway with your camera and don’t stop till you get to the other side of the planet. (You caould take a cat, you know, for that “Dick Whittington” look.
Really, this is very bad, but a lot of it, now, is YOU giving yourself trouble.
Ah, OK, I realise you are only venting. Just couldn’t help letting off steam myself.
Look, like a lot of people here, I always used to enjoy your threads: they were interesting and fun. In recent times, they have become worrying. We’d quite like our usual **Lobsang[/b[ back, and I bet you would too.
As far as I recall, you quite enjoy your job and are good at it, so suggesting you look elsewhere might not be clever. OK, I jsut pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that this young lady packs up and clears off somewhere far away.
It WILL get better. It will. And without you hypthetically giving away ten years of your life either.
Didn’t you say that you were going to stop with this crap? Wallowing in your own shit isn’t romantic, it’s pathetic. Move to another city or something and get your life back. This is fucking ridiculous.
Too fucking bad. This is a message board. That means that we get to give answers if we feel like it. You don’t want answers, get a private LiveJournal.
Lobsang, I second the recommendation to get a LiveJournal account. It’s perfect for this sort of tuff. People can read it and you can respond. Just do it, please!
Heh, I saw that dear old haj had already included the sneering/swearing, so I decided to keep it simple. He’s better at it then me, anyway.
[stupid pointless hijack]Hey Haj, do you know that the word “haj” means the holy pilgramage to Mecca? I think these days people use it for other holy pilgramages, too, but I always think of that whenever I shorten your name. And I know you’re going to ask me what language, but you know, I’m not sure anymore? It’s used in Urdu, Hindi, and probably a couple others, all meaning the same thing. Go figure. [/SPH]
Look, if you want to “just vent” get yourself an LJ account, or a MySpace or something. You’re coming across here as either sick, stupid, or an attention whore.
Dude, why shouldn’t she lie to you? You’re really giving off creepy stalker vibes. I don’t believe half of what you say about this girl-it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s actually really nice and you’re just making shit up because she won’t give you the time of day.
You need to find a new job and GET COUNSELING ALREADY!
I picked out these statements you made because they speak volumes about the kind of person this girl is.
Hon, it sounds to me like she’s using you. You deserve better.
This girl would bring you far more problems than she would bring you happiness. You gotta move on.
