I hear ladies talk about this from time to time when they are talking about past dates and or potential mates. They complain: “He has no friends”
Why is this such an issue? I can see why it might be an issue if he’s constantly badgering you since he has none of his own friends to occcupy his time. Are there other things I’m missing here?
I only ask because as a guy this is a factor that’s never even thought to enter my mind.
(FTR this is just a currious question. I’m not looking for advice/tips or anything like that.)
Personally, if someone has no friends, I’m inclined to wonder why. It would seem to imply that either he doesn’t like people, or people don’t like him.
Most women think this about most men, but it’s relative. Every damn Mars/Venus book out there will tell you how much more social women are than men, and by gum it’s true (on average).
Most women think this “isolationism” is scary about the men they know. And vice versa, most men zone out with too much chattering.
From a guys perspective, and I may be in the minority (and I hope I’m not), I would prefer if a women had friends of her own too. Too many times do I see my friends hooking up with women that have no friends. Which then leads to them being on “lock down”, and never seeing them again. Which results in an extreme case of “whipped”. Not because they really love them and want to spend every second with them, but because she needs sole attention 24’7. That’s ain’t cool.
I don’t know. I don’t think anyone really forms friendships with the opposite sex if they don’t, at least on some subconscious level, want to have sex with them. (at least, this is by and large the case with men who seek out friendships with women. It may not work the other way, I don’t know)
Another thing to consider about dating the friendless is that they just don’t get friendships. If my guy has friends he wants to spend time with, he’s more likely to be understanding that I want to spend time with mine as well.
I’d never go so far as ‘must be a serial killer!’ but there is a sort of pause while I contemplate just why someone doesn’t have friends. Off the top of my head I can think of two coworkers I’ve had that profess to have no close friendships, given what I’ve observed of their social skills I have no reason to doubt they’re being honest. Both are single and have asked the tiresome “Got any single sisters/friends you can introduce me to?” question and in both cases I’ve demurred and wiggled out of it. If no one else wants to spend time with them, why would a sister/friend of mine want to?
Your average woman simply expects a man to Play The Game. If he’s opted out of it in any way, be it in career, romance, friendships, whatever, he’s potentially Trouble.
I don’t think this is fair. I am your “average woman” and I despise men who play the game.
Also, this works for both genders. If a woman makes an effort to become my friend, but I am her only friend, I would think twice about what I might be getting into. Ditto for dating a man with no friends. I just don’t do well with overly needy people.
I agree with **Large Marge ** that “playing the game” isn’t the issue at all, unless by “playing the game” you mean “participating in this thing we call life.” If someone has no friends because they just moved to town a month ago, okay. But if they are either anti-social or generally unlikeable, that’s not someone I’m interested in hanging out with. One doesn’t have to be a serial killer to be an undesirable companion.
It puts you at risk for an overly needy/clingy/stalkerish situations. Every woman has a “beau that just won’t go away” story. Clingy quickly turns to controlling, and controlling turns to violent, and pretty soon you are spending all day at the courthouse getting a restraining order against a guy you once agreed to go to coffee with because he threatened to put your head through a window when you came home late from work one day.
I can’t emphasize this enough. Emotionally insecure guys are women’s #1 fear in dating (and I think it’s probably the same for men, too). It’s never pretty, and it can get very ugly.
Also, a guy without friends just isn’t much fun. While spending a night alone together staring in to each other’s eyes is good, it can’t entertain you every single night. People have friends because they enjoy doing fun things with other people. People who don’t do fun things with other people arn’t likely to do fun things with their SO, either.
And they probably arn’t going to be happy with you going off and doing your thing with your friends while they sit at home.
Honestly, I don’t think this is a case where women act any differently than men. I don’t think a man wants to be the only social contact for a women he is dating, either. It’s uncomfortable, too much pressure, and has too much potential to go bad. They might use different words (“she’s too intense”, “she’s clingy”, “she won’t let me hang out with my buddies”, “she always just wants to stay home and talk about the dumb relationship”) but the idea is the same.
True. One can, in fact, be quite likable, engaging, and interesting in the right context. But unless you feel at home with most people in most situations, those good qualities aren’t going to be of much use to you.
It’s like I said: if you opt out of the game at any point, there’s a price to be paid.
Absolutely. But I’m really not talking about stalkers or batterers or sociopathic creeps. I’m talking about someone who’s just naturally quiet or reserved and is trying to reach out. And probably because of all the creeps, that guy is at a real disadvantage. In a very meaningful way, he ranks lower on the social fitness scale.
This is true. Not just for men either. We generally expect people to fall into a range of what we consider “normal”. They hold down a steady job. They have friends and acquaintances they socialize with. They exert some romantic interests and have had sex by early adulthood. They have at least a nodding relationship with their family. After early 20s, they don’t live with their folks. They drink but not excessively.
Missing any of these is usually a red flag. It usually indicates either some developmental issues, emotional baggage or even some sort of personality disorder.
And then – you’re human junk, not fit to associate with the rest of us. Never mind your own particular circumstances, or who you really (think you) are, were, or could be if you got the chance. Because you’re not getting the chance. No, I’m sorry, no exceptions. The rest of us have lives to live; leave us alone.
Well, two such people have to find each other; then everything is peachy. How would someone naturally quiet or reserved find happiness with a social butterfly? I wouldn’t. The social butterflies aren’t interested in me; I’m not interested in them. It is, as mentioned above, simply a matter of natural selection.