#1  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:19 PM
Scylla is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2000
Posts: 16,390

Elephant Proof


I can't decide if this one is more Pit or MPSIMS, so I apologize if I put it in the wrong place. Since it entails a shitload of money, aggravation, and livestock I figure the pit was the place.

***

When we moved into this house in '02, it came with a pool. Concerned about the safety of the children I spent a lot of money and effort buying the best pool cover in the industry.

This pool cover is so strong you can walk elephants across it. Elephants!! Being a sucker for hyperbolous advertising, I ordered one and spent a whole weekend installing it and the pain in the ass anchors you have to sink into the concrete.

When it was done I had one of these:

http://www.poolcenter.com/looploc.htm

Scroll down to the picture of the elephant walking across.

I didn't have an elephant, but I tested it by walking across. Every year it takes forever to stretch this thing in place, but it's worth it. You know, because it's elephant proof. I was going to remove it and start the pool up this weekend. This afternoon though, my wife calls me at work.

"Hi honey. There's a cow in the pool. You better come home."

"That's impossible," I say. "The pool cover is elephant proof. There's no way a cow could possibly break through. What do you mean there's a cow in the pool?"

"Elephant and cow proof aren't the same thing, dear. There is a cow in the pool. You should probably come home and deal with it."

Well, tonight is my tennis night and I didn't feel like dealing with a fucking cow in the fucking pool, but home I go, and sure enough there's a motherfucking cow in the motherfucking pool.

Immediately, I understand the problem. Cows have sharp hooves. Elephants have flat feet. This cow apparently broke out from the farm next door, jumped two four foot wooden fences, walked out onto the elephant proof pool cover, puncturing it with its sharp hooves. It is cradled in the mesh with three of its legs punched through and the fourth splayed behind it. Periodically, it struggles.

Fucking cow. Fuck me. I live in Pennsylvania and am surrounded by cows and I spent $1,200 on an elephant proof cover. If I lived in India, I would be genius.

So, I walk down to the farm and tell the farmers that their cow has busted into my pool. The man and his two sons come up to view the cow (as if I was lying,) and the man sends his son down to get his tractor and some rope and chains.

The man's nice, and tells me he'll pay for the damage. I tell him I can't beleive it happened because this is an elephant proof cover. The man doesn't say anything, but I can tell that he thinks I'm a moron for buying an elephant proof cover when what I needed was a cow proof cover.

They have to remove two sections of fence to get their tractor in. The man goes out on the elephant proof cover and spends ten minutes trying to get his rope underneath the body of the cow so they can pull it out. Finally, he gets it behind the udders and around one of the free legs.

The boy fires up the tractor and tries to pull the cow out. He's pulling uphill though, and the tractor is mostly just tearing up grass and ruining the lawn. He tries this from various angles so as to tear up the maximum amount of turf, but makes no headway in the cow extraction.

He makes a running start of it, and the cow starts to come loose. It's dragging and ripping the elephant proof cover. The cow struggles, halfway gets up and then punches through the cover again. The kid keeps going because he's making headway and the cow flips sideways (still with several legs through the cover.) The cover gets twisted around the cow, and turned inside out.

The cow is now upside down with it's legs sticking out up through the cover. The front half of the cow, including the head is now under the cover, underwater.

My whole family is standing in the back deck watching this. My six year old looks at me and says "I don't think the cow is going to be able to breathe like that."

The cow is upset, as you can understand, and rightly so, being upside down and underwater.

The man jumps into the pool with his other son (the pool has to be like 50 degrees.) Struggling heroically he manages to get the cows face and muzzle above water. Basically, he is holding up the front half of the cow to do so, and the strain is showing.

Now, I consider myself a man of action. Able-bodied, a dooer of deeds, etcetera, etcetera, but when the man, in obvious strain, looked at me and called for me to come help him, I was paralyzed.

I pointed at myself and did a "Who? Me?" kind of gesture, as the man and son continued to struggle to right the capsized cow, which has now been under water so long it probably has the bends.

I kind of hemmed and hawed and looked useless and innectual. There was just no way I was going to go down there and deal with them and their cow.

The partial drowning weakened the cow in its struggles and they were able to get it back upright and disentangled. To make a long story short they then pushed and pulled the cow sliding up, and out and over the elephant proof cover and back onto land. I have a ruined law, a ruined cover, a ruined fence,and cow shit in the pool.
  #2  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:33 PM
AuntiePam is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Posts: 18,119
Please tell me someone was filming this. Please?

Sorry about all the mess, but I'll be chuckling for days.
  #3  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:33 PM
Anaamika is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 31,112
Oh, my. Don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for you. I'll just do both!
  #4  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:42 PM
SkipMagic is offline
Charter Member
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Up The Wrong Twee
Posts: 6,789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
If I lived in India, I would be genius.
Nah. If you lived in India, you'd just have more of a cow problem.
  #5  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:49 PM
cabdude is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Fantasy Isthmus
Posts: 601
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
I pointed at myself and did a "Who? Me?" kind of gesture, as the man and son continued to struggle to right the capsized cow, which has now been under water so long it probably has the bends.
I totally sympathise. Yeah, right, like it's my fault there is a half drowned cow upside down in my pool.
  #6  
Old 05-25-2006, 09:53 PM
EddyTeddyFreddy's Avatar
EddyTeddyFreddy is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Exurbia, No'thuh Bawst'n
Posts: 13,179
Could've been worse. Could've been a bull.
  #7  
Old 05-25-2006, 10:05 PM
askeptic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: California
Posts: 4,686
You know Scylla, when you're not posting about politics I really like some of the shit you write. Sorry about the cow. Thanks for telling a good story. Pit/ MPSIMS who fucking cares, a good story is a good story.
  #8  
Old 05-25-2006, 10:17 PM
Rysdad is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Mommysota
Posts: 7,161
At least you may have prevented this tragedy.
  #9  
Old 05-25-2006, 10:18 PM
Zoe is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Liberal South
Posts: 14,266
Hilarious! You know this is your karma, don't you?

The links at the bottom of the thread are for fences for pools. Wonder if they are barbed wire...
  #10  
Old 05-25-2006, 10:36 PM
EddyTeddyFreddy's Avatar
EddyTeddyFreddy is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Exurbia, No'thuh Bawst'n
Posts: 13,179
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rysdad
I'll see your baby elephant and raise you a moose.
  #11  
Old 05-25-2006, 10:44 PM
Schuyler is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: SF Bay Area, California
Posts: 465
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
I can't decide if this one is more Pit or MPSIMS, so I apologize if I put it in the wrong place. Since it entails a shitload of money, aggravation, and livestock I figure the pit was the place.

***

When we moved into this house in '02, it came with a pool. ...
When I hovered over the post title, this is all it showed, and I thought to myself: "self, you can recognize hyperbole when you see it, this is definitely hyperbole, but maybe it's a funny story."

But sure enough - it is as you say an actual Elephant ProofTM pool cover.

Oh, and a funny story, too.
  #12  
Old 05-26-2006, 01:04 AM
OtakuLoki is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 10,483
Oh, my. Scylla, you have my sympathy, and my thanks.
  #13  
Old 05-26-2006, 01:56 AM
threemae is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 3,760
The most utterly hilarious thing I've heard in a month. Apologies for the ideal but more fine writing.
  #14  
Old 05-26-2006, 02:22 AM
kambuckta is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Great Barrier Reef, wooo
Posts: 10,209
Thank you Scylla. Not only have you cheered me up after a long and torrid week at work, but you got my kids chuckling heartily as well.

Shame about the cowshit but.
  #15  
Old 05-26-2006, 04:27 AM
NinjaChick is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: N/A
Posts: 5,368
Scylla, that was beautiful. I'm sorry for your, uh, misfortunes, though that makes for an excellent story.

Moose? Pansies.
  #16  
Old 05-26-2006, 05:39 AM
Mangetout's Avatar
Mangetout is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: England
Posts: 58,178
If you'd installed the elephant as depicted on the manufacturer's website, the cow would not have come near the pool. You have only yourself to blame.
  #17  
Old 05-26-2006, 06:14 AM
Khadaji is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Southern Pennsylvania
Posts: 21,599
A great story. Well told.
  #18  
Old 05-26-2006, 06:14 AM
slaphead is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: nowehereistan
Posts: 2,921
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
Well, tonight is my tennis night and I didn't feel like dealing with a fucking cow in the fucking pool, but home I go, and sure enough there's a motherfucking cow in the motherfucking pool.
I don't play tennis, never have, and I don't have a pool either, but I think I understand your feelings.

What on earth did you get up to in your previous incarnation? You certainly seem to be getting more than the usual share of dramas in your current turn on the wheel.
  #19  
Old 05-26-2006, 08:05 AM
tdn is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 35,871
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
I kind of hemmed and hawed and looked useless and innectual.
That is one funny typo, I must say.

Great story for us, not so great for you. Sucks ass for the cow.
  #20  
Old 05-26-2006, 08:24 AM
Oy! is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Trenton, NJ
Posts: 4,763
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
Fucking cow. Fuck me. I live in Pennsylvania and am surrounded by cows and I spent $1,200 on an elephant proof cover. If I lived in India, I would be genius.
I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me...

My hope when I saw the thread title was that "Finally this funny, intelligent, delightful man has seen the light!!!!!" Unfortunately, it was not to be...
  #21  
Old 05-26-2006, 08:38 AM
bup is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: glenview,il,usa
Posts: 11,905
I didn't believe you were serious until I was about 3/4 done reading it. That's the strangest thing I've ever heard.

Is the pool cover company going to stand behind their product, or are they really going to hide behind the "elephants have flat feet" defense?
  #22  
Old 05-26-2006, 08:53 AM
Clothahump is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 14,654
Just out of curiosity, why didn't you lift him out with The Blimp ?


I have the feeling that this post will be enshrined next to The Blimp in short order.
  #23  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:05 AM
August West is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Location: The Cheese Belt
Posts: 4,766
You're a better man than I am. I would have shot the cow and enjoyed a whole summer of burgers.
  #24  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:34 AM
Ponder Stibbons's Avatar
Ponder Stibbons is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Dallas
Posts: 5,917
This is funny and all, but I didn't read a single bit of evidence pointing towards an elephant being the culprit for these shenanigans! Just where is this "elephant proof"?


  #25  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:35 AM
EddyTeddyFreddy's Avatar
EddyTeddyFreddy is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Exurbia, No'thuh Bawst'n
Posts: 13,179
Quote:
Originally Posted by August West
You're a better man than I am. I would have shot the cow and enjoyed a whole summer of burgers.
Heck, you could drop a passel of bucket heaters into the pool and make beef stew.
  #26  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:42 AM
BMalion is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 9,716
[Samuel Jackson]

I want this motherfuckin' cow out of this motherfuckin pool!

[/Samuel Jackson]
  #27  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:43 AM
Count Blucher is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Near Baroni&Kelly's Jail.
Posts: 13,666
Excuse me, but how did the story end? Did the cow walk away? Was it shot? Is it undegoing some radical experimental life-extension process a-la Barbaro?

C'mon, out with it: How Now Drown Cow...?
  #28  
Old 05-26-2006, 09:44 AM
Mangetout's Avatar
Mangetout is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: England
Posts: 58,178
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
Fucking cow. Fuck me. I live in Pennsylvania and am surrounded by cows and I spent $1,200 on an elephant proof cover. If I lived in India, I would be genius.
Just for the record; in case you're still considering relocation as a solution to your problems, I feel you ought to know that they also have some cows in India.
  #29  
Old 05-26-2006, 10:36 AM
ShibbOleth is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Schlaraffenland
Posts: 20,611
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mangetout
Just for the record; in case you're still considering relocation as a solution to your problems, I feel you ought to know that they also have some cows in India.
Yes, but in Asia and Africa they sell these as cow proof covers, and you only have to worry about getting an elephant in your pool.

I wonder what the cow was thinking -- "gee, this seems a nice spot for a stroll"?
  #30  
Old 05-26-2006, 10:44 AM
ArrMatey! is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Waaaaay over here!
Posts: 3,433
Quote:
Originally Posted by cabdude
Yeah, right, like it's my fault there is a half drowned cow upside down in my pool.
Sig line? Pleeeeease?!
  #31  
Old 05-26-2006, 10:57 AM
Zebra is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: LIC
Posts: 20,683
The cow, being from Pennslyvania, is obviously a huge fan of of local filmmaker M. Night Shyamalan and the cow was acting out the climatic scene from Unbreakable.
  #32  
Old 05-26-2006, 11:03 AM
samm is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 534
This is one of the most hilarious things ever and I forwarded it to my friends to read. I wish you would have gotten a picture or two.

Scylla, please take your stories and make each one a chapter in the world's funniest book.
  #33  
Old 05-26-2006, 11:15 AM
UncleBeer is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: NAC: 8104J PWQ7X
Posts: 11,969
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
Scroll down to the picture of the elephant walking across.
I dunno about that picture. That elephant looks incredibly small.
  #34  
Old 05-26-2006, 11:57 AM
carnivorousplant is offline
KB not found. Press any key
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 59,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleBeer
I dunno about that picture. That elephant looks incredibly small.
Yeah, that's a baby elephant.
Probably doesn't weight more than 2000 kilos or so.
  #35  
Old 05-26-2006, 11:58 AM
BMalion is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 9,716
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scylla
...Immediately, I understand the problem. Cows have sharp hooves. Elephants have flat feet...

So if your cow had been like this guy you'd have been OK?
  #36  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:00 PM
tdn is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 35,871
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleBeer
I dunno about that picture. That elephant looks incredibly small.
Yeah, is the name of the cover The Baby Elephant Walk?

I should point out, of course, that the cover did exactly as advertised. They claimed that an elephant wouldn't break through it, and in fact, no elephant did.
  #37  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:02 PM
Anaamika is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 31,112
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivorousplant
Yeah, that's a baby elephant.
Probably doesn't weight more than 2000 kilos or so.
He's so cute, playing with the ball.
  #38  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:07 PM
Homebrew is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 8,146
Quote:
Originally Posted by EddyTeddyFreddy
Could've been worse. Could've been a bull.
Or gophers.
  #39  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:07 PM
UncleBeer is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 1999
Location: NAC: 8104J PWQ7X
Posts: 11,969
Quote:
Originally Posted by carnivorousplant
Yeah, that's a baby elephant.
Probably doesn't weight more than 2000 kilos or so.
No way, man. Elephant tusks don't begin to poke their way out of the mouth until the beast nears its third year. The one in that picture has a pretty good pair, so it's almost certainly a full-grown elphnut.
  #40  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:08 PM
Oy! is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Trenton, NJ
Posts: 4,763
Quote:
Originally Posted by BMalion
So if your cow had been like this guy you'd have been OK?
Snowshoes would probably work better than galoshes, but yeah, I'd guess he would have not broken through had his weight not been concentrated on small hooves like that. Scylla, you have horses too, don't you? You need to fence off that pool!


God, is there much in the world cuter than a baby elephant? Maybe a baby pig...
  #41  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:13 PM
Skywatcher's Avatar
Skywatcher is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Somewhere in the Potomac
Posts: 35,999
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleBeer
No way, man. Elephant tusks don't begin to poke their way out of the mouth until the beast nears its third year. The one in that picture has a pretty good pair, so it's almost certainly a full-grown elphnut.
Maybe it's one of those elusive pygmy elephants we keep hearing about.
  #42  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:14 PM
BMalion is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 9,716
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homebrew
Or gophers.

wearing high-heels!
  #43  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:17 PM
carnivorousplant is offline
KB not found. Press any key
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 59,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anaamika
He's so cute, playing with the ball.
Actually Batir is a girl, but they still need donations if anyone is in the mood.
  #44  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:23 PM
carnivorousplant is offline
KB not found. Press any key
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 59,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by UncleBeer
No way, man. Elephant tusks don't begin to poke their way out of the mouth until the beast nears its third year. The one in that picture has a pretty good pair, so it's almost certainly a full-grown elphnut.
It has been said that Mods have no sense of humor...
  #45  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:44 PM
Eureka is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Posts: 5,365
When I was in Africa, I stayed in a place which had an "Elephant Proof Fence". This fence was intended to keep elephants, and pretty much ONLY elephants out of the camp. I was amused, especially when we learned about how a leopard had been seen drinking from the pool, and we saw other (mostly small) wildlife in camp.

It was not kind of the pool cover makers to lead you to believe that an elephant proof cover would keep cows out as well.
  #46  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:48 PM
carnivorousplant is offline
KB not found. Press any key
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 59,880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eureka
This fence was intended to keep elephants, and pretty much ONLY elephants out of the camp.
What was it made of? The fence at Riddle's is made of rail road rails (not ties, rails) and is sunk nine feet into the ground.
  #47  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:48 PM
Kythereia is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 9,925
I have hiccups from laughing so hard now. Thank you, Scylla.
  #48  
Old 05-26-2006, 12:55 PM
GIGObuster's Avatar
GIGObuster is online now
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Arizona
Posts: 29,593
Great story Scylla, but now I have an old hispanic kid's song stuck in my head:


One elephant was balancing over a pool cover.

And because it did not break, the elephant told another to get over ..

2 elephants were balancing over a pool cover.

And because it did not break, the elephants told another to get over ..

3 elephants....
*



* Lyrics changed to add the pool cover. This is the Latin American version of the 1000 bottles of beer on the wall: not the same tune, it is just that the song is used on the same situations, funnier as the number of elephants continues to grow, the original has the elephants balancing on a spider web.
  #49  
Old 05-26-2006, 01:05 PM
Count Blucher is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Near Baroni&Kelly's Jail.
Posts: 13,666
If only we could have seen the expression on the cow's face...

http://www.pauldavidson.net/wp-conte...es/cowtalk.gif
  #50  
Old 05-26-2006, 01:43 PM
Waverly is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: The 2nd Circle of Hell
Posts: 4,105
I feel for you. I too have owned the iniquitous elephant proof cover. In fact, I had one that could be cranked in place every day, not just at that end of the season.

You see, I live in mortal fear of the water. Not for myself. I happen to love swimming, and would do it every day if I could. But experience, and carefully crafted scaretistics, have molded me into what I am today: the unholy offspring of Aquaman, and a chronically worrying old bitty. Did you know that pools kill more children than ebola-infected pit bulls? Itís a verifiable fact.

I bought the home in fall. The weather was just about warm enough to keep swimming for another couple of weeks, but old owners saved us the trouble by diligently avoiding any pool care while they waited to move out. The once beautiful pool was an opaque green, and vaguely foul smelling, by move-in day. I hastily closed the thing, and Ďwinterizedí it the same way the old owners had: with a cheap tarp and cinder block weights. Isnít that how everyone does it?

I knew I had to have the elephant cover from the time I first saw the add, but it was going to have to wait until spring. I measured, re-measured, and planned all late fall. I was not about to come home one day and find every kid in the neighborhood bobbing lifelessly in my pool. Nope. The little terrors could climb my fence, jump on the cover, but never drown themselves like lemmings as I knew they would without my intervention.

Then December came. The tarp the old owners had graciously left me was waterproof. Just what you would want for a pool cover right? Rain and accumulated water eventually won their struggle against the heroic cinder blocks, dragging about half of them into the pool and puncturing the lining. I went swimming that day. I lugged every goddam block out of the pool in the hopes of saving it, and installed the fucking elephant cover months ahead of plan. You know, that crank never worked quite right. Fucking pools.

I donít own a pool anymore. I relax on Jones beach, without nearly the cares of a hapless pool owner. Ten thousand children in the heavy surf, preteen lifeguards asleep, parents drunk or with their faces in books. Last year I logged one amateur rescue, a ruined ipod, and some dimly accusatory remarks in what I think might have been Farsi from the bratís negligent parents. How relaxing for me.
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:34 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@straightdope.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Copyright © 2019 STM Reader, LLC.

 
Copyright © 2017