Stupid elephant jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So there we are:
Me (an American,) a coworker (German,) and one of our customer’s radio technicians (Cypriot -honest that is what the inhabitants of Cyprus call themselves.) We are standing in a small room in a tower on top of one of the higher mountains on the island of Cyprus, freezing our butts off (the german guy and I hadn’t realized that it gets cold in the Mediteranean so we didn’t take warm clothes, the Cypriot doesn’t normally go up on the tops of mountains so he doesn’t even own a heavy jacket.) The Cypriot guy’s boss has gone off to talk to the telecom technicians in another part of the tower (the tower belongs to the Cyprus telecom, our customer rents space from them.) The job done, we start packing our equipment and the Cypriot guy asks my coworker how in heaven’s name we managed to get all of our gear into the one case (OK, it is a big honker but we are talking about a LOT of stuff.) The german guy tells him that it’s easy - just like putting an elephant in the refrigerator. Blank look on the cypriot guy’s face - he has never heard stupid elephant jokes. A thousand watt light bulb goes on over the german guy’s head - we now have a mission, something to do while waiting for the cypriot guy’s boss to come back. We will educate this poor Cypriot and initiate him into the world of stupid elephant jokes.
So, whilst slowly freezing solid, my coworker turns to me and begins:
GG (German guy):“How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?”
AG (American guy):“Open the door, put the elephant in, push a little, close the door.”
GG:“How do you tell if the light goes out when you close the refrigerator door?”
AG:“Open the door and ask the elephant.”
GG:“How do you know when an elephant has been in your refrigerator?”
AG:“By the elephant tracks in the butter.”
GG:“How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?”
AG:“Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.”

Poor Cypriot stands there, now frozen literally as well as figuratively in place, and imagines that the consultants come from Germany to help renovate the Cypriot customer’s radio system are completely insane.

So. I’m asking for more elephant jokes, and strange places you have told them (or other jokes.)

2

What’s the best way to get rid of an unwanted elephant?
Join Cranky’s white elephant swap!

3

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries.

4

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, you get down from a duck.

(That joke puzzled me all through childhood. I finally got it sometime after my 18th birthday.)

5

Q: Why do elephants wear yellow clogs?
A: So you can’t see them swimming upside down in the custard.

Q: Bet you’ve never seen an elephant swimming upside down in custard?
A: That’s because they wear yellow clogs.

6

Q: Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: See, it works!

Q: How did the farmer die?
A: He was crushed to death picking cherries.

7

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

“It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?”

This ant walks up to a female elephant, and asks if he can have sex with her. The elephant looks down at the ant in disbelief, but figures, what the hell, it’s only an ant.

“Sure” said the elephant, “hop on.”

So the ant climbed up the elephant, and started going at it. The elephant stood there, mildly amused. About that time, a monkey was climbing in a tree above, and accidentally knocked a coconut loose. It fell, hitting the elephant on the head.

“Ow!” said the elephant.

The ant, still pumping away, said “Yeah, that’s it, take it all, bitch.”

8

A mouse is happily wandering through the jungle when he happens upon a crying elephant.

“What’s the matter with you, crying elephant?”, asks the mouse.
“Ooooh, I’ve got this thorn in my foot, and I can’t get it out!! It hurts so much!!”, replies the elephant.
“Not to worry!”, says the mouse, “just lift your foot, I’ll see what I can do.”

The elephant lifts its foot, and sure enough, with some trouble the mouse is able to get the thorn out of its foot.

“Whew, what a relief”, exclaims the elephant, “How can I ever thank you, mr. Mouse?”
The mouse replies, “Well, you know, I’ve always had this fantasy…”
“Yes?”
“I’d like to have sex with you. It’s been a dream of mine forever.”
The elephant sighs, “Sure, I guess. Mind if I drink a little from this watering hole? All this crying has made me thirsty.”

The mouse doesn’t mind at all! So, while the elephant is drinking, the mouse mounts her from behind and starts pumping away: “Yeehah! Ooh yeah, this is the STUFF!”

Unknown to both, a crocodile is swimming submerged in the watering hole. The elephants trunk catches its eye, and with a quick dash, it bites the elephant in the trunk!

“OOOWWWWWWWW!!!”, shouts the elephant in sheer terror.
To which the mouse replies, “YEAH BABY! WHO’S YOUR DADDY?”

9

Q. How does an elephant climb an oak tree?
A. He sits on an acorn and waits.

Q. How does he get down again?
A. He sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q. How do you know when an elephant is under your bed?
A. The ceiling is awful close.

10

Dire Wolf, you shall burn in hell for that one.

11

Everyone hates my very favorite elephant joke. Here it is:

Q: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin.

And on the seedier side of things:

Q: What should you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off and apologize.

12

What is gray and comes in gallons?

13

BOOM! BOOM!

How do you get four elephants in a mini? (or VW in US )
Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get a rhino in the mini?
Take one of the elephants out.

How do you get two whales in a mini?
Drive down the M4. (There are no US translations. Find a map)

What’s the difference between an elephant, a biscuit and a bag of concrete?
You can dunk a biscuit in your tea, but not an elephant.
What about the concrete?
I put that in to make it harder.

14

:checking map: Lessee, the M4 runs from near London to just past Swansea. Hmmm…I’d say the US translation would be I-95.

15

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

16

Jeff Olsen:

I think you missed the point. It’s a pun - “two whales” = “to Wales.”

Hence, no American translation, unless there’s a town in the US by that name.

17

How do elephants get in oak trees?
They sit on acorns and wait.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
because they jump out of oak trees between 3 and 4 o’clock.

Why are there so many flat monkeys?
because they go into the jungle between 3 and 4 o’clock.

18

Elephant jokes are great for cross-cultural understanding! A lot of jokes get lost in the translation, but most elephant jokes seem to work.

[Steven Wright monotone]
Q: What did the guy say when he saw an elephant coming over the hill?
A: Hey look. It’s an elephant coming over the hill.

Q: What did the guy say when he saw a bunch of elephants coming over the hill?
A: Hey look. It’s a bunch of elephants coming over the hill.

Q: What did the guy say when he saw a bunch of elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
A: Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

[/Steven Wright monotone]
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: Why do elephants have long noses?
A: Sheep don’t have strings.
Q: How do natives hide in the jungle?
A: They paint their balls red and hide in a cherry tree.

Q: What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Elephants picking cherries.
Slightly off OP, but I always tell them when telling elephant jokes:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Monkey see, monkey do.
-Tcat

19

Tomcat, you forgot the rest of the elephant/sheep jokes!

Q. What do elephants use for tampons? A. Sheep

Q. Why do elephants have trunks? A. Sheep have no strings

Q. Why do the rivers in Africa run red? A. No sheep in Africa

Q. What’s the moral of this? A. Don’t wear red wool

20

Of course there’s the classic:

[Groucho Marx] I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I’ll never know! [/Groucho Marx]