So a guy goes to the doctor one day, and he says, “Doc, I think there’s something wrong with my leg…it talks all the time!”
So the doctor bends down and listens to the guy’s leg, but he doesn’t hear anything. The guy says, “No, no, doc…you gotta use your stethoscope.”
So the doctor places his stethescope on the guy’s thigh, and sure enough he hears a little voice saying, “Hey…do you have $200? $100 even? Please, I really need it!”
The doctor looks up, shocked, and the guy says, “If you think that’s weird, listen to my shin!”
So the doctor puts his stethoscope on the guy’s shin, and he hears another little voice saying, “Hey…you got $50? I’ll take $20 even…come on, man!”
The doctor is even more shocked, and the guy says, “That’s not all…listen to my ankle!”
So the doctor does the same, and hears a voice coming from the guy’s ankle that says, “I really need 25 cents! Do you have just 10 cents maybe? Please help me out!”
The doctor sits back, and the guy says, “So what do you think the problem is?”
The doctor replies, “Looks like your leg’s broke in three places.”
A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly!" The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.
“You son of a bitch!” says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. The doctor yells, “Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again!” He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.
“Oh my god, I am going to kill you!!” says the father as he is running towards the doctor. The doctor yells, “No, no wait, I know what I did wrong! I promise it will work this time!” He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says, “I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead.”
Ever wonder where the old saying “You’ve got to be shitting me!” came from? It dates back to the civil war.
There was a platoon of confederate soldiers who just finished a hard battle, and the captain was going to take his men to a nearby brothel for the night. One of the soldiers, Private Peters, requested the captain let him go see his family in the nearby town, since they weren’t that far away. The captain agreed, just as long as Peters regrouped with his platoon for the battle the next day.
So off went Pvt. Peters to see his family, and the captain led his men over to the Brothel.
All the women were just a hollerin’ and waving at them. Beckoning them to come on in. The captain went up to the Head of the house and said, “Is it alright if my men stay here for the night? We’ve been fightin’ hard, and they need a break.”
She replied “That’s fine. How many are there?”
The Captain said “Well, there’s 50 of them without Peters.”
The houselady said “You’ve got to be shitting me!”