Time for another bad joke thread.

Cafe Society
1

Three young women go out drinking and get absolutely sauced to the gills. After staying out very late they depart at bar’s closing time and head home their separate ways. The next day after nursing their hangovers they compare notes about the evening before, each insisting upon how drunk she had been:

The first women explains, “Man, I was soooo drunk. I managed to get home, got in through the front door and right away blew chunks.”

The second women is sure her night was crazier: “I drank waaaay too much! I got in my car and tried to drive home and totally wrapped it around a phone pole, and I don’t even have insurance!”

The third woman explains, “No, my night was the worst. I was totally loaded after you guys left, and I went home and got in a big fight with my boyfriend and knocked a candle over and the whole apartment burned to the ground.”

The three women fall quiet for a moment. . . and the first woman starts to speak again, ". . . no, I don’t think you guys understand. You see, Chunks is my DOG. . . "

2

Q: What’s brown and sticky?

A: A stick! :smiley:

3

Did you hear about the maggot family feud?

The two clans fought in dead Earnest.

4

:: scrapes fingernails on chalkboard ::

Y’all want bad jokes? I’ll show you how it’s done. We’ll start with some elephant jokes.

Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
So she could hide in the strawberry patch without being seen.

Why did the elephant paint the bottoms of her feet yellow?
So she could hide upside down in the mustard.

Why did the elephant put on a green felt hat?
So she could walk across pool tables without being seen.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“The elephants are coming!”

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.

And now …

What’s red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.

What’s blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the Other Side.

What did the reviewer write about that new restaurant on the moon?
“Great food, no atmosphere.”

And finally, the worst joke known to man:

Two drums and a cymbal fell out of a window … ba dum CHH. :smiley:

5

I love elephant jokes! Among my favs…

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat fee?
To put out flaming ducks.

Comedy gold.

6

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because eight inches isn’t enough!

Where do elephants keep their sex organs?
In their feet; if they step on you, you’re fucked.

7

What’s green, has six legs, and can kill you if it falls on you from out of a tree?

A pool table.
You have to be careful with those ethnic jokes, though. I was telling an ethnic joke awhile ago at Denny’s, when I hear a snarl from the table behind me. I look back, and there’s this huge guy sitting there, glaring daggers at me, and he rumbles, “Hey, asshole, I’m ethnic!” I try to blow it off as just a joke, but he’s not hearing any of it. He jumps up from his table and towers over me, shouting at me, ignoring my attempts at an apology, just getting madder and madder. And then he pulls out a razor!

I tell you: the only reason I’m alive today is because he couldn’t find anywhere to plug it in.

Daniel

8

So a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender says…“Is this some kind of joke?”

Remember to always pay your exorcist or you’ll get repossessed!

Its easy to find the cemetary, its at the dead center of town…I mean people are just dying to get in there…even Beethoven is there…decomposing.

At Sofa King, our Sofa’s arent just big, they’re Sofa King big!

9

Elephant joke:

What’s red and oozes between elephant’s toes?
Slow natives.

Chicken joke:
Why did the chicken go half way across the road?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

Bad bar/drunk joke:

This guy is drinking at a local bar and gets so drunk he vomits all over his shirt. His buddies go, “What on earth are you gonna tell your wife?” Guy saus, “No problem. I’ll put a $10 bill in my shirt pocket and tell her some other guy did it and paid me to have it cleaned.”

Which he does.

Next morning, he’s confronted by his wife about the mess he made of his clothes. And why is there money in his shirt pocket?

He tells her the story. But she says, “What $10 bill? What’s in your pocket is a twenty!”

The guy says, “Oh, yeah. Well, after he puked all over my shirt, he shit in my pants.”

10

There was this whorehouse doing absolutely great business. All the bedrooms were occupied, along with bathrooms, broom closets, you name it.

One of the prostitutes had nowhere else to go, so she takes her client up on the roof. They start going at it; in the heat of passion, they start rolling around on the roof and finally fall off the edge, five stories to the pavement, SPLAT!

A couple of minutes later, a drunk staggers by and sees them, still locked in carnal embrace. He ambles up the steps and knocks on the front door.

The madam answers: “What do you want?”

Drunk: “You run this place?”

Madam: “Yeah, what about it?”

Drunk: “Well, I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down!”

:smiley:

11

Well, I posted this somewhat offensive (and bad) joke recently.

12

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

13

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane? Meeeeeeeeeeeee! :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue:

14

Here’s a timely little ‘bad joke’ tale - the Story of Why There Is An Angel At the Top of the Christmas Tree:

One year at the North Pole, as Christmas was approaching, everything was going wrong. The elves held a work-strike. The ‘naughty’ & ‘nice’ lists got hopelessly mixed-up due to a filing screw-up. Many of the toys that were constructed were defective and had to be replaced at the last minute. Even Mrs. Claus, whom Santa went to for consolation, was on his back to take time off in January and take her south for a beach vacation. Finally, on Christmas Eve, Santa loaded up his sleigh and prepared to take off. But as he was lifting off the ground, the reins snapped in two - the reindeers bolted off into the sky, while Santa & his sleigh tumbled into a sludgy snowdrift.

Just as Santa climbed out of the messy drift, the perkiest angel ever descended from Heaven carrying a decorated Christmas tree. The angel was oblivious to any of Santa’s concerns, and chirpily said to him “Hiya Santa! I’ve brought you a Christmas tree straight from Heaven, but I can’t find a place in your crowded workshop to put it. Just tell me where I should stick it!”

And because somebody has to -

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs that -
-you stick in a pot of water? Stew!
-lies on your front porch beneath the door? Matt!
-you hang on a wall? Art!
-floats in a lake? Bob!
-you use to plug up a ditch? Phil!

What do you call a one-legged girl? Eileen!
What do you call a one-legged girl from China? Irene!
What do you call a one-legged girl on the beach? Sandy!

15

A guy dressed like a clown staggers into a bar, already blitzed out of his mind. Sitting at the bar is a nun. The guy lurches up to the nun, and with one punch, flattens her.

As she lays unconscious on the ground, the guy slurs, “Not so tough now, are ya, Batman?”

16

What’s brown and sound’s like a bell?
Dung!

A ship carrying red paint crashed into a ship carrying purple paint.
Both crews were marooned.

Too true. One time I was hanging out with some friends in a bar, and during a lull in conversation I asked the group “Hey, wanna hear an ethnic joke?”.

Well, the bartender overhears this, coves over at me, and says “Well buddy, you can tell it if you want. But you better know that I’m ethnic, that guy {points at a big bouncer} is ethnic, and that guy {points at an even bigger bouncer} is ethnic. Do you still want to tell the joke?”

“Nah,” I said. “I don’t want to have to explain it three times.”

17

So a guy goes to the doctor one day, and he says, “Doc, I think there’s something wrong with my leg…it talks all the time!”

So the doctor bends down and listens to the guy’s leg, but he doesn’t hear anything. The guy says, “No, no, doc…you gotta use your stethoscope.”

So the doctor places his stethescope on the guy’s thigh, and sure enough he hears a little voice saying, “Hey…do you have $200? $100 even? Please, I really need it!”

The doctor looks up, shocked, and the guy says, “If you think that’s weird, listen to my shin!”

So the doctor puts his stethoscope on the guy’s shin, and he hears another little voice saying, “Hey…you got $50? I’ll take $20 even…come on, man!”

The doctor is even more shocked, and the guy says, “That’s not all…listen to my ankle!”

So the doctor does the same, and hears a voice coming from the guy’s ankle that says, “I really need 25 cents! Do you have just 10 cents maybe? Please help me out!”

The doctor sits back, and the guy says, “So what do you think the problem is?”

The doctor replies, “Looks like your leg’s broke in three places.”

A new father goes into the delivery room to see his newborn baby boy. The doctor pulls him aside and says " I have the most amazing news. Your boy can fly!" The doctor sees the doubt in the fathers eyes so he offers a demonstration. He picks up the little boy, holds him high in the air and then lets go. The baby falls to the floor with a loud thump.

“You son of a bitch!” says the new father, ready to kill the doctor. The doctor yells, “Wait, something must be wrong. He flew this morning. Let me try again!” He flings the boy across the room and he slams against the wall and slides down to the floor.

“Oh my god, I am going to kill you!!” says the father as he is running towards the doctor. The doctor yells, “No, no wait, I know what I did wrong! I promise it will work this time!” He opens the window and tosses the kid out. The kid of course falls 7 stories and leaves a mess on the sidewalk below. By this time the father is choking the doctor. With his last breath the doctor says, “I was just messing with you. Your son was born dead.”

Ever wonder where the old saying “You’ve got to be shitting me!” came from? It dates back to the civil war.

There was a platoon of confederate soldiers who just finished a hard battle, and the captain was going to take his men to a nearby brothel for the night. One of the soldiers, Private Peters, requested the captain let him go see his family in the nearby town, since they weren’t that far away. The captain agreed, just as long as Peters regrouped with his platoon for the battle the next day.

So off went Pvt. Peters to see his family, and the captain led his men over to the Brothel.

All the women were just a hollerin’ and waving at them. Beckoning them to come on in. The captain went up to the Head of the house and said, “Is it alright if my men stay here for the night? We’ve been fightin’ hard, and they need a break.”

She replied “That’s fine. How many are there?”

The Captain said “Well, there’s 50 of them without Peters.”

The houselady said “You’ve got to be shitting me!”

18

So a kidnapper was dragging a little kid through the woods.

The little kid says “Mister, it’s getting dark out here, and everything looks so creepy and I’m really scared!”

And the kidnapper replies “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back to the car by myself!”

19

Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

20

What do you name a dog with no legs and steel testicles?
Sparky.