There was a whorehouse in town that catered to a widely varied clientele. One day, the doorbell rang and when the madame opened the door, there on the stoop was a man with no arms or legs. Thinking he was there to ask for charity, she said, “How can I help you, sir?” “I want two of your best and prettiest girls for the night!” he replied. The madame protested, “Sir, we are used to catering to the unusual, but honestly, do you think you’re capable of handling two women–after all, our girls are pretty lusty! How do you think you can possibly satisfy them?” The man smiled smugly and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
What’s gray and comes in quarts?
At least he didn’t have a bum knee.
Q: What’s white and streaks across the sky?
A: the Cumming of the Lord!
You missed one of my favorites.
A man with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves.
Russel.
Oh, and in your mailbox–Bill. And–
Under your car–Jack.
What do you do when your maxipad is on fire?
Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
How does a menstruating mamma vampire call her children in for supper?
“Soup’s on!”
What’s green and red and goes 90 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
What’s green and red and brown and goes 90 miles an hour?
Same frog 3 hours later.
What’s the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can’t unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Q: If you’re an American when you walk into the bathroom, and you’re an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom?
A: European
Staying with the elephant theme:
What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Why should you stay out of the forrest between 3 and 5 PM?
Because elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of trees
Why are pgymies so short?
They went into the forrest between 3-5PM
The two guys hanging in front of your window? – Curt n’ Rod
Bottom of a ditch? – Doug
Lying on top of him? – Phil
Rolling around on your BBQ? – Frank
His sister? – Patty
That you sing to? – Mike
I could be here all night! Try the veal! :smack:
What’s the pirate’s wife named? Arrrlene.
What’s the pirate’s sister named? Marrrrrry.
What’s the pirate’s daughter names? Peggy.
Where do Eileen (the one legged woman) and Irene (the one legged Chinese woman) work? IHOP.
I loves me some serial jokes.
What’s red and goes ding dong?
A red ding dong.
What’s blue and goes ding dong?
A blue ding dong.
What’s green and goes ding dong?Nothing. Ding dongs only come in red and blue.
Uh-oh…you’ve got me started… I’ll do this with spoiler boxes, feel free to stop when you hit your limit…
What’s more disgusting than a truckload of dead babies? There’s a live one at the bottom.
And what’s more disgusting than that? He’s eating his way out
And what’s more disgusting than that? Once he gets out, he stays until he’s full.
And what’s even more disgusting than that? When he leaves he takes a doggy bag.
What pink and red, and sits in a corner getting shorter and shorter? a baby combing his hair with a vegetable peeler.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He’s not coming to you anyway.
Wow, sciguy…
:shamefullylaughinginhorror:
What’s black and white and red and can’t turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a spear through her head.
For some reason this had me ROLLING!
Courtesy of my (at the time) 5 year old daughter:
Q: What’s invisible and smells like worms?
A: A bird fart!
She’s gonna go far, that one.
A drunk stumbles into the bar and asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender says, “Down the hall and turn left”. The guy goes down the hall and turns right. A few minutes later, the bartender hears this horrifying scream. And then, ten seconds later, another. He walks down the hallway and yells, “What’s going on back here??” The drunk yells out, “Every time I go to flush the toilet, something grabs me by the balls!!!”
The bartender says:
You idiot, you’re in the broom closet, sitting in the mop bucket!!
I get PMS really bad; my husband got tired of never knowing what kind of mood to expect from me when he came home, so he bought me a mood ring. It helps a lot. When I’m in a good mood, it turn blue. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuckin’ red mark on his forehead.
You’ll love the sequel then!
Q: What do you call a boomerrang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick!