A little old lady is filling her gas tank while smoking a cigarette. Somehow she gets a bit of gasoline on herself and a spark from the cigarette lands on her wrist Her arm immediately catches fire so she runs around the parking lot screaming and waving her arm.
Two cops happen to pull up and one shoots her.
The other one says “What did you shoot that little old lady for?”
The first one says “She was waving a firearm!”
This is so wrong. 
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper!
Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Best. Joke. Ever.
This lady walked into a bar, and she asked the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
How do you keep a werewolf from going crazy on Halloween night?
Shoot him in September.
Why do white sheep eat more grass than black sheep?
Because there are so many more white sheep.
How do you keep an ethnic person in suspense?
An Australian was hiking in the New Zealand countryside. He looked over a fence and saw a Kiwi having sex with a sheep.
‘Back home,’ the Aussie called, ‘We shear those!’
The Kiwi replied testily, ‘This one’s mine! Get your own!’
What’s the difference between a bison and a buffalo?
[Aussie]
Yew cahn’t wash yer fice in a buffalo!
[/Aussie]
A Harvard alum and a Yale alum were attending a cocktail party and both went to the men’s room at the same time. After each of them had used the urinal, the Harvard grad washed his hands before exiting the lavatory. The Yale grad simply left.
Outside the men’s room, the Harvard alum sneeringly commented “At Hahhhvahhhd, they taught us to wash our hands after using the facilities!”
To which the Yale alum retorted “At Yale, they taught us not to pee-pee on our hands!”
Why do they call the camel “the ship of the desert”?
Because it’s full of Arab seamen!
Why can you never starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
Click…is that right?
Click…is that right?
Click…is that right?
Click…is that right?
A blind man with a rubiks cube.
Ivan and Sasha, a more-or-less happily married couple in Soviet Russia, are walking along, when Ivan feels a drop of moisture on his nose. “Sasha,” he says, “it’s starting to rain”. Sasha looks up at the gray sky. “No, Ivan, that’s snow”. “It’s rain” insists Ivan. They stand there arguing for way longer than you would think someone would argue about something so trivial, when Ivan sees his old comrade Rudolph. He points Rudolph out to Sasha. “Rudolph is a smart man. We’ll ask him. Do you agree that what he says is the truth?” Tired of arguing and standing out in the cold, Sasha agrees. So Ivan beckons his old friend over, and asks him the burning question: is it raining, or is it snowing? Rudolph observes for a moment, and then decisively answers “raining!”
Ivan turns to his wife and says “You see? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”
Yes, yes, this needs a groaning smilie.
How do you make a good red wine?
Take away his propaganda pamphlets and tweak him on the nose!
hOW DO YOU SHOOT A Blue ELEPHANT?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
Hold his nose until he turns blue and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. There’s no such thing as a red elephant gun.
What’s purple and hums?
An electric grape!
Why does it hum?
Because it doesn’t know the words!