It’s that time of year again - flu shot season - and I’m going to be doing a number of clinics at my pediatric office in the next few weeks. Part of my pain reduction/distraction strategy includes telling jokes while I’m injecting people. It can work quite well, as jokes catch the kids off-guard and ease the tension, but I’ve been telling the same old, tired jokes for years now, and my families know them pretty well.
So let’s all do our bit for public health! Anybody have any good family-friendly jokes?
What do you get if you cross a turkey with an octopus?
I don’t know what it’s called,but at Thanksgiving, EVERYBODY gets a drumstick!
What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to get a new fence.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin said, “man,it sure is hot in here.”
The other muffin said, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
Two goldfish were in a tank. One said to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Riddle: which one is bigger? Mr Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger’s baby. Cause’ he’s just a little Bigger!
Knock knock, who’s there, Amos, Amos who, A mosquito bit me!
Knock knock, who’s there, Andy, Andy who, And he bit me again!
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What’s gray, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.
How many elephants can you fit in a Volkswagon?
5. 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 1 in the glove compartment.
How many giraffes can you fit in a Volkswagon?
None. It’s already full of elephants.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Either a sandwich that never forgets or an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
You: Let me tell you my favorite Knock-knock joke. You start.
Them: Knock knock.
You: Who’s there?
Them: <looking confused>
That’s ridiculous. I’ve never seen an elephant in a cherry tree.
That’s how well it works!
Why did the elephant paint her head yellow?
She wanted to see if blondes had more fun.
Why are elephants big, gray and wrinkly?
If they were small, white and round they’d be a tictac.
Why are elephants so wrinkly?
Well, have you ever tried to iron one?
Mrs. Davis and Mrs. Mavis were talking and Mrs. Davis said, “Whenever I’m down in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.” And Mrs. Mavis replied, “So, that’s where you get them!”
The science teacher asked Johnny to please tell him what HNO[sub]3[/sub] is the chemical symbol for. Johnny wasn’t sure and stalled for time saying, “Oh, um, it’s on the tip of my tongue…” and the teacher replied, “Spit it out, it’s nitric acid!”
There once was a persian king who was really down with animals and he decreed that no one in his kingdom would be allowed to hunt any animals for food or sport. The animals quickly took advantage of this and overran the kingdom, taunting the poor hungry peasants and just generally making a nuisance of themselves. Eventually the populace got so fed up, they staged a revolution and overthrew the king. And that was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game.
These are great! Please keep them coming - I thank you, the parents thank you, and the office staff who have to hear my tired old jokes over and over again thank you!
Didja hear about the cannibal who was kicked out of school?
He was caught buttering up the teacher!
Johnny, please use the words defeat, deduct and defense in a sentence.
Ok. De feet of de duck went over de fence.
We’ve done it! We’ve created a compound which will eat through anything!
That’s great! What will you keep it in?
Johnny, please give me the chemical symbol for water.
H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Johnny don’t sass me.
What? Yesterday you said it was H to O!
Anybody have any good family-friendly jokes?