Help! I need clean, kid-friendly jokes!

knock knock
who’s there?
Cows say
Cow say who?
No! Cows say Moo!

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt!

Given the OP I imagine her jabbing in the needle at the final line :D.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.

Bilingual joke

This works better vocally, of course :slight_smile:

Two cats had a swimming race. the English cat was named One-Two_three. The French cat was named Une-Dou-Trois.

Which cat won the race?

The English cat won, because the une-dou-trois quatre cinq (cat sank)

A cop pulls over a man driving a pick-up truck full of penguins. “Hey, you can’t be driving around with penguins like that!”
“It’s okay, officer… I’m on my way to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Ok then. Hurry it up.”

Next day the cop sees the same truck with the same penguins. “What’s the big idea? You said you were taking these penguins to the zoo!”
“I did! They loved it so much, today we decided to go to the movies!”

Two eggs are in a frying pan. The first egg goes “Hey, is it me or is it getting hot in here ?”. Second egg goes “OH MY GOD a talking egg !!”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are out camping. After a long day’s walk, they pitch their tent and go to sleep. Sometime later, the great detective wakes up his friend and says :
“Watson, as you know I always try to teach you my methods. Look around you and tell me if you can use the available evidence to reach an informed and inescapable inference.”
“Well, judging by the clouds, it’s going to rain later”
“Hmm hmm. Anecdotal. What else ?”
“Well, the Big Dipper is over there, and we came from over here, which means we’ve been traveling east all afternoon.”
“Yes, but that is irrelevant. Anything else ?”
“I see that the moon is full tonight, and I recall checking its phases in the Almanack before we set out on our expedition - today is Tuesday, isn’t it ?”
“Correct, yet unimportant. Go on.”
“Venus is in Leo, but I shouldn’t think astrological considerations are what you are hinting at ?”
“They’re not.”
“Oh ! I think I got it. I see millions and millions of stars, which in turn means there are thousands upon thousands of planets, and the odds are at least one of them holds intelligent life just like our own !”
“Nonsense.”
“Well then, Holmes, I’m stumped. What was your deduction ?”
“Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent.”

i know you’re going to say what.
what?

i know you’re going to say ow.
ow!

To be followed with:
What’s brown, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from vacation.

Ideally, the first punchline should be “A mouse going on vacation.”

What’s big and red and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater.

What’s big and blue and eats rocks?
A big blue rock eater.

What’s big and green and eats rocks?
Nothing. Rock eaters only come in red and blue.

Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle between 4 o’clock and 4.30 in the afternoon?
Elephants’ parachute practice time.

Why do crocodiles have flat noses?
They went in the jungle between 4 o’clock and 4.30 in the afternoon.

What is the difference between a giraffe and a mailbox?
. . . .
Well, that’s the last time I send you to post a letter!

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Why are elephants becoming an endangered species?
Too many are drowning in bowls of custard.
Also, all that skydiving they do every day is quite dangerous.

What did the snail say while riding on the back of a turtle?

Wheeee!

How do you fit an elephant in the refrigerator?
Open the door, put in the elephant, then close the door.

How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

Noah called a meeting of the animals on the ark. Which one did not attend?
The giraffe - he was stuck in the refrigerator.
What’s the dog’s favorite part of the tree?
The bark!

What’s the dog’s favorite part of the golf course?
The ruff!

Two jokes my twelve year old son called me at work to tell me (many moons ago).

Why did the farmer get an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.
Why do the call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.
Yes, he did call me at work one day to tell me that last joke. Which made it all the more funnier.

Not 100% clean, but close enough…

Why does the crack in your behind run up and down instead of left and right?

So when you go down a slide, it doesn’t go “bee-bee-bee-bee…” (move the side of your index finger up and down over your lips to make the sound)

How do you hold up your pants in the winter?
With a jingle belt.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

What’s blue and fluffy?
(Blue fluff.)
No, pink fluff dyed blue.

What’s green and fluffy?
(Pink fluff dyed green.)
No, pink fluff that’s feeling sick.

What’s white and fluffy?
Pink fluff that got a fright.

How do you catch a white rabbit?
The wight way.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way you caught the white rabbit.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him and catch him the tame way you caught the white rabbit.

Say “I am going to make you say red.”

Then point to something a different color. Ask them to tell what color the object is. The kid will say " (the color) but I thought you would make me say red." Then say “You just said red!”

My dog’s got no nose…

Oh? How does he take in scents?