So give me your best, short, childish jokes. Something along the lines of:
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!
I love them! I seem to be a rare breed among my friends, family, colleagues, polite associates, wait staff…
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was being chased by Col. Sanders!
A woman walks into a doctor’s office. She has a banana stuck in one ear and has two grapes up her nose. The doctor says “You’re not eating right.”
What’s big and red and eats rocks?
The Big Red Rock-eater!!
A Man goes to see his Doctor and says “I get a blinding pain in my eye whenever I drink coffee - what can the problem be?”
Doctor says, “Take the spoon out when you’ve finished stirring!”
Just google “boy scout jokes” You’ll get a treasure trove. I used those sites all the time when I was performing training.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven. The first muffin says “Wow! It’s really hot in here!”
The second muffin says [in best silly Valley Girl type accent]
“Oh my God! A talking muffin!”
Pete and Repete sat on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Q: What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
A: (Rolling the rrrrr…, in your best Italian accent…) Roberto!
(I’m in love with this joke, it kills me. I giggle and giggle when telling it and can barely get the words out. As a result it’s hard to tell if people like the joke as much as I, or are just infected with my giggly delivery!)
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit-a-lot
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys drinks for everyone?
A: A fun guy to be with.
This joke was told to me by a very sweet non-native English speaking employee who was working on his ESL, so it was especially charming.
No, no, no, Pete and Repete are in a boat.
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A. A raisin.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my gum!!
Cracks me up every time.
I rememeber learning this one in second grade and telling my parents once I got home from school.
Why was the little strawberry worried?
Because her mother and father were in a jam
What do you have when your head is hot, your foot is cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes?
You have a polka-dot sock over your head!
I had two joke books I got in second grade or so, and I got all my best (worst) from them.
Some more:
If taking out your tonsils is a tonsilectomy, and removing your appendix is an appedictomy, what do you call it when you get a growth removed from your head?
A haircut!
A tomato, a faucet, and a cabbage were in a race. Who won?
The cabbage was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.
A dog limps into a bar and says to the barman;
“I’m looking for the man that shot my Pa!”
What’s green and lumpy and flies through the sky?
Super Pickle!
What’s red and round and goes ‘slam, slam, slam, slam!’?
A four-door tomato!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Dwayne
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub, I’m dwowning!
And my 9YO’s favorite (it’s lengthy; each Spring, she makes me rehearse it with her so she can get it just right):
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Either
Either who?
Either bunny! Knock knock
Who’s there?
Nutter
Nutter who?
Nutter either bunny! Knock knock
Who’s there?
Stella
Stella who?
Stella nutter either bunny. Knock knock
Who’s there?
Cargo
Cargo who?
Cargo beep-beep, run over ALL the either bunnies! Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
Don’t cry, either bunny will be back again next year!
Oh, and this one is a family classic. Let me give you a little background: I have a nephew, now a grown man, married and expecting his second child. However, as a small child, he was speech delayed, and his teachers feared he may even be autistic or slightly retarded. We were all so delighted when, at age 3, he made up his very own joke that it has become classic at all family gatherings:
How do you get over an elephant?
Up he tail and down his trunk!
No, it’s not really that funny, but the sheer joy on his face at having been clever enough to make up and then tell a joke. . .well, you had to be there, I guess. But “up he tail and down he trunk” has become a family in-joke just the way “penis ensued” is an in-joke around here!
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Sloth.
Interrupting Sloth who?
Q: What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A: Little kids won’t eat broccoli.
No, no, no.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupti…
Moooo!
Hey! Interrupting Sloth is still in the process of interrupting the last knock knock joke. Be patient.