What is the funniest, non-offensive joke you know?

Title says it.
I’m looking for a funny (funnier the better) joke which is NOT at the expense of any individual or group, and would be guaranteed to not offend almost any person.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, " Hey, we have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies:

Really? You have a drink named Steve?

Sorry, that’s the only clean joke I know.

I love the sticky joke. :smiley:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c…

I’ll submit the one my daughter is repeatedly telling us:

What did the ghost give the monkey to eat? Boo-nanas!

Who’s there?
Interrupting chicken.
Interupting chick…

ARGH! Ethilrist… Preview… Dammit…

Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.” So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just flabbergasted. He can’t believe that a gorilla walked into this bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he’s standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, “Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything.”

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn’t say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can’t take it anymore.

“You know,” he says to the gorilla, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.”

And the gorilla says, “At nineteen dollars a drink I’m not surprised.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”

Who’s there?
Interrupting sheep.
Interupting sh…


What do you have when a midget fortune teller escapes from jail?

A small medium at large.

My favorite:
The Hunchback of Notre Dame fell off his tower and died. The Archbishop needs to hire a new bell-ringer, but before he can place an ad in the paper, a guy shows up at the door. He’s got no arms and no legs and begs, he needs this job, please give it to him. The Archbishop asks, how can you ring the bell like this? And the guy shows him how he can ring the bell beautifully with his face.
next day he, too, falls off the tower and dies, and as the crowd is gathering, someone says “Who was he?” And someone answers “I dunno, but his face sure rings a bell.”


So the next day the Hunchback’s brother shows up and tells the Archbishiop to give him the job, it’s a family responsibility thing. So he does. And you guessed it, the next day the brother falls off the tower and dies, too. And when they ask the Archbishop who he was, he says, “He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”


Well…I could post a link to the longest ever joke ever, who’s punchline is just a simple pun, but I’m not that cruel.

I do have a couple other ones, though.

So two cows are standing out in an English field. The first one turns to the other and says,
“Say, are you worried about this mad-cow disease?” To which the second one replies,
“Of course not, I’m a helicopter.”

These two muffins are sitting in an oven, baking up nicely. The first one turns to the other and says,
“Damn it’s hot in here!” The second one goed,
“Holy crap, a talking muffin!”

Hear the one about the paddy wagon that collided with the cement truck?

Twelve hardened criminals escaped.

A dog limps into a bar.

Says to the barman:

“I’m looking for the man that shot my Pa!”

:smiley: :smiley:

Bwwaaaahhh !

I don’t recall where I heard any of these so if they have appeared here ad infinitum I do apologize.

What is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table

There are two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says:
“How do you drive this thing?”

There was once a monk that belonged to a monastic order which had a vow of silence. He had not spoken a word in ten years time. One day as he was praying in the chapel before heading out to tend the gardens when another monk, finished with his prayers, stood and loudly chanted “Morning!”.

What startled the first monk even more than hearing one of his brothers speak for the first time in his ten years at the monastery was that no one admonished the speaker; they all simply went about their business. He pondered this all day long and began to wonder if he had misinterpreted his vows all these years. At the end of the day he went back to the chapel, determined to put his thoughts to a test. He entered the chapel and loudly chanted “Evening!”. A monk at the back of the room stood, looking around to see where the word had come from and chanted, (this part is delivered in a bad lounge singer impression) “Someone chanted evening!”

That one kills me.

Following on elbows’ joke:
A bear walks into a bar and says "Can I have a…beer?’

Bartender says “What’s with the big pause?”

And the bear says " I dunno, I was born with them."

This is the first joke I ever remember hearing. It was told to me by my grandfather when I was about ten years old. It’s a depression era, Pat and Mike joke. It may not seem funny today, but during the depression they had to squeeze every penny, at least twice, before parting w/ it.
So, Pat and Mike aquire a shell for their shotgun and they decide to go hunting to try and put some food on the table. They walk the woods and fields for hours, but don’t find anything worth using their one shot on. Then Pat sees a duck flying almost directly over their heads. He raises the gun, takes careful aim and fires. It’s a solid hit and the duck falls out of the sky, landing only a few yards away. As they retrive the duck Mike remarks, “It’s a shame tough that you had to use our only shell, surely the fall would have killed him.”

Ooh, ooh, is that the one about the snake named Nathan? Greatest. joke. ever. I have recieved my share of death threats over telling that joke.