Just thought I’d share one of my favorite jokes:
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, pal! You know, we have a drink named after you!”
Grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named ‘Steve’?”
Heh. 
A buzzard boards a plane holding 2 dead rabbits. The stewardess says, “I’m sorry, but we only allow 1 carrion per passenger.”
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing no clothes but wrapped completely in Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
A rabbi, a priest, a three-legged dog and a stripper with a parrot on her shoulder all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Hee hee! Don’t get me started on the bad jokes!
This guys discovers that you can keep dolphins alive indefinitely if you feed them baby seagulls. He’s on his way through the San Diego zoo to try it out when he, in a hurry, accidentally runs over a big lion.
The police soon arrested him for crossing a state line with a bunch of young gulls for immortal porpoises.
God, I screwed up even a stupid pun joke… “State lion”
A sandwich walks into the bar and says, “Gimme a beer.”
The bartender says, “Sorry. We don’t serve food here.”
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
“Grandpa got really badly burned the other day.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, they don’t fuck around at the crematorium!”
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
“You gonna eat that?”
A piece of string walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Hey you have to go, we don’t serve string here.” So the piece of string goes outside, roughs himself up on the curb a little bit, and ties himself up. Then he goes back into the bar. The bartender says, “Hey aren’t you that piece of string I just kicked outta here?” And the string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Wherever you last left him.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can have a free drink if he can show the bartender a good trick. The bartender agrees. The man takes a little piano and a frog out of his pocket and the frog starts playing ragtime. The bartender is duly impressed and gives the man a free drink. The man then asks if he can drink all night for free if he can show the bartender an even better trick. The bartender agrees again, and this time the man sets up a little microphone and a takes a rat out of his pocket. The rat starts singing while the frog plays piano and the bartender is floored and lets the man drink all night for free. An agent sitting next to the man sees this and offers the man $1,000,000 for the frog and rat. The man declines. The agent keeps pressing and the man finally agrees to sell the rat for $50,000. The bartender says, “What are you crazy? You just passed up a million dollars for fifty thousand?” The man takes a sip of his beer, smiles, and says, “That’s ok, the frog’s a ventriloquist.”
I got more, just give me time to think of them.
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a beer and a mop.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Monkey see, monkey do.
Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Q. Why was the baby ant so confused?
A. Because all of its uncles were ants.
Q. Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?
A. Because it f***ing close to water.
Q. Why was the archeologist depressed?
A. Because his career was in ruins
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor
Q. How does a very small man say goodbye?
A. With a micro-wave
Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A. Damm!
Q. How do they circumcise a whale?
A. They send down four-skin divers.
Q. What does the mother buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he leaves for school in the morning?
A. Bi-son!
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.
Q: And his son?
A: Bill.
News headline: Viagra stolen. Hardened criminals on the loose.
An elderly bachelor decides his house needs a little cheering up so he decides to go buy a pet. At the store, the clerk suggests a parrot would be ideal, as they’re lively, intelligent, and don’t require a whole lot of maintenance. This suits the man fine and he buys one to take home.
Soon as the parrot’s on his perch, he looks around and says, “What the fuck kind of stinking shithole is this?”
The man is shocked. “Where did you learn that sort of language? Stop it this instant.”
Parrot looks at him and says, “I can say whatever the fuck I want, you limp-dicked old horsefart, and there’s not a fuckin’ thing you can do about it.”
Parrot keeps it up until the man can’t stand it anymore. “I’ve had enough!” he shouts, grabs the parrot, and sticks him in the freezer. “Maybe that’ll teach you!”
The parrot lets loose with a really ripe stream of invective and holds forth for a few minutes. Suddenly the man hears him stutter to a halt, and all is silent. Fearing he’s killed the parrot, he goes to the freezer and opens it up. There’s the parrot, very contrite. “I - I didn’t know you felt so strongly about my behavior,” the bird says. “I sincerely apologize and promise not to do it again. May I please be taken back to my perch?”
The man, very pleased with the results, places the parrot back on his perch. “There’s just one thing I’d like to ask,” the bird says.
“Certainly. What is it?”
The parrot leans over, and with a look of fear in his eye, asks, “What did the chicken do?”
The way I heard this one–Celine Dion walks into a bar, bartender says “Why the long face?”
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: We really do taste just like chicken
Q: How do you eat a frog?
A: One leg over each ear
HAAAAA!!! I kill me!
Why did he get killed in jail?
For the finger sandwiches he served for Thanksgiving dinner.
V.
That’s probably the newer version. I heard mine YEARS ago.
A Grizzly Bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’ll you have?”
“Ummmm,uhhhh,ummmm,uhhhhhhhhhh … a beer and a shot,” the bear finally says.
“Why the long pause?” the bartender asks.
The bear holds up his forearms and says, “I dunno, I was just born this way.”
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A 3-legged dog goes into a Old-West saloon.
“Awright, which one of you varmints shot my paw?”
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A snake slithers into the bar and orders a bourbon.
“Sorry,” says the bartender, “you can’t hold your liquor.”
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A baby seal walks into a club.
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Have you heard about the new disease being spread by birds?
It’s Twerpies!
It’s a canarial disease!
It’s untweetable!