In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil and so on…The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and has announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
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How does a Psychiatrist get through the woods?
They take a psychopath.
What did he say to his cellmate, Pee Wee Herman?
“Quit playing with my food.”
A panda bear walks into a fancy resaurant and is seated by the hostess. Waiter comes along with a menu; the bear picks out an entre, and eats it when it arrives, and has a glass of wine. As the waiter arrives with the check, the bear stands up, pulls out a pistol and blows the waiter away. Bear then gets up and lumbers towrd the door. The hostess cries, horrified “Why’d you do that?!”
The panda says, “DUHHH! I’m a PANDA. Look it up!”
So the hostess finds a dictionary and sure enough, under Panda, it explains “white and black bear-like creature of Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.”
Olentzero, excellent Parrot joke! Love it! Peace.
Here’s my favorite:
Old Jewish Man decides to get a companion for his old age. In the pet store he found a parrot who spoke Yiddish, and to the old man’s delight, was well versed in history, religion and philosophy.
They soon became very close, and the parrot would accompany the old man almost everywhere. One day, as the man prepared for Shul, the parrot asked “Where are you going now?”. “To Pray” said the man. “It is Rosh Hashanah”.
“I will go too” insisted the parrot, and despite all the arguments of the old man that parrots are not allowed, the parrot insisted that he also had the right to pray, and threatened to end their friendship. The old man finally agreed.
At the entrance of the Synagogue, the man became the subject of ridicule for bringing a parrot, but he quickly assured everyone that this is no ordinary parrot, and that the parrot would be praying along with the old man. All the men became even angrier, but one decided to challenge the old man and made a wager with him for $5,000 dollars that the parrot could never pray. Throughout the service all eyes were on the parrot, the old man waited eagerly for the parrot to start praying, even nudged him a few times, but nothing came out.
After services, the angry old man said to his parrot “How can you do this to me? After all I did for you, and took you to prayers, you let me down like this when you knew $5,000 was on the line!” “Relax”, said the parrot, think what the odds will be on Yom Kippur!"
A man breaks into a home in the middle of the night & is searching for the valuables with a flashlight when he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
Startled, the man looks around quickly but doesn’t see any one so he continues his search. He goes to pick up a stereo when he hears again, “Jesus is watching you.”
Now freaking out, he scans the room more carefully for the source of the warning & sees a parrot on a perch in the corner. The thief then whispers, “Was that you?” & the parrot replies, “Yes, it was.”
Amused with the bird, the thief says, “Thanks for the warning, but I’m an athiest. So, what’s your name?” And the parrot answers, “Moses.” Now laughing out loud, the thief asks, “What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” And the parrot replies, “The same kind that name their rottweiler Jesus.”
OK - you probably heard this before but here goes anyway!
A teacher is trying to teach his class of 8 year olds about taste and flavour. He does this by giving them Life Saver sweets and asking them to tell him the flavour. It all goes well at first, they say, “ooh - orange ones taste of orange, the pink ones are cherry, yellow ones are lemon.”
So, teacher decides to give them a more difficult flavour, so he gives each child a honey flavoured sweet. The class all suck on the sweets, but can’t quite place the flavour.
“I’ll give you a clue,” says the teacher, “It’s what your mother calls your father”
Suddenly one little girl jumps up with a horrified look on her face, spits out her sweet and yells …
“Everyone spit them out - we’re eating assholes!!!”
little*bit, that is another excllent parrot joke, can I use it?
This isanother oldie but goodie:
A new pet parrot brings much joy to his new owners. But he does have one problem - he constantly goes over to the neighbor’s yard, and mates with allll the chickens. The owners warn him no to do this, but the problem continues.
Finally, the day of reckoning comes for the parrot - the owner decides that as punishment for the latest intrusion into the next yard, the parrot will have his head shaved, and will be forced to sit right on top of the piano, where all the guests for that evenings dinner party will see him and laugh at his shaved head.
As the guests are arriving, the parrot carefully surveys each one, and after noticing several bald men, yells at the top of his lungs “Allright all you bald headed chicken-fuckers, up on the piano with me!”
Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street.
The first one says to the other “I haven’t come this way before.”
The second one replies “I know. It’s the cobbles.”
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair all different colors…green,
red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared.
The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer,
never done anything wild in your life?” The old
man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son.”
A little old Jewish man is at the funeral of his wife of fifty years. As the pallbearers are taking the coffin out of the synogogue, they accidently run into a door and jostle the coffin. Suddenly they hear moaning inside. They open the coffin and revive the old woman.
Ten years later, she dies and the little old Jewish man is again burying his wife. After the service, the pallbearers are taking the coffin out of the synogogue, after a few steps, the little old man says, “Mind the fucking door!”
Thank you...thank you very much.
I'm appearing here all week.Two of my favourites
Q. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A. Take it out for a drag.
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.
Pretty corny I know but I get a laugh out of them.
How about this one.
Why is sex with your wife like a late night grocery?
The goods are unattractively packaged, there’s very little variety and there’s a high price to pay, but there’s nothing else available at 3 in the morning.
A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess was walking around her lovely, immaculately-kept grounds one afternoon when she happened upon a small green frog sitting near the edge of a pond. As she approached, the frog spoke.
“Your majesty, I was once a handsome prince but an evil witch transformed me to this amphibious creature,” he said. “With a tiny kiss from your rosebud lips, I will transform back into my handsome self. We will then marry, live in your castle where you will bear my children. We will have my mother live with us to help you with her instinctive and intelligent banter. You will have the honor of seeing to my every need, cooking for the children, cleaning the rooms, entertaining my guests, caring for our children while I amuse myself in other ways, and feel utterly and endlessly grateful for having the priviledge to do so.”
That night, as the princess dined on a lovely repast of frog legs smothered in a white wine sauce with braised garlic and shallots, she considered the day’s events and thought to herself, “I don’t fucking think so.”
That night
…you wouldn’t understand:
Ole buys a new Buick Roadmaster and invites Sven over to have a look see. They spend all afternoon taking the paneling off the sides and stacking it neatly against the barn. After four hours of work they step back to admire the car.
“Ya know, Ole,” says Sven, “I tink it looked a lot better before we took it out of the crate.”
Ole is driving down the gravel road past Sven’s place when he sees a sign that says “Boat for sale”.
Ole scratches his head and says to himself, “Ole ain’t got no boat.” and pulls into Sven’s yard.
“Ole,” says Sven, “I see you have de ol John Deere tractor and de ol Innernational combine. But you ain’t got no boat for sale.”
“Yah.” says Sven. “And dere boat fer sale.”
Yeah, yeah, I got a million of 'em…they’re all here http://phc.mpr.org/activities/20000401_jokeshow/index.htm .
A man throws a costume party and, tired of the usual costumes, requests that his guests come dressed as an emotion.
The night of the party, the doorbell rings. A friend is standing there, dressed all in green, with the letters N and V drawn on his chest. “I get it,” he says, “you’re green with envy.”
The next guest is wearing nothing but a pink bodysuit and a feather boa. “I’m tickled pink,” she announces.
Next, two friends from New York show up. The host opens the door, and is horrified to see that one man is naked except for a pear stuck on the end of his penis. His companion is also naked, and has only a custard pie covering his genitals. The host hurries them inside. “You can’t stand out on the street like that! What kind of costumes are these?”
His friend replies, “My buddy has come in despair, and I’m fucking disgusted.”
So a drunk guy stumbles out of a bar one night, drunk as a lord. As he stumbles down the street, he sees a nun on her way back to the convent. He approaches her and, with all his might, punches her in the nose. As she staggers and reels, he kicks her in the stomach. She falls to the ground, he kicks her in the ribs for good measure, and staggers off, muttering …
‘You’re not so tough, Batman!’