and ordered a drink. The bartender looked him up and down and said, “We don’t serve your type.”
A fried-egg sandwich went into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender looked him up and down and said, “We don’t serve food here.”
Read these two this week and feel the need for more. Lay on your best “X went into a bar” joke, please.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barkeep says, "You know, we have a drink named after you. Stunned, “You have a drink named Herschel?”
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings.” The string leaves and ties himself into a sheepshank, wearing away some of the thread in the process.
The string re-enters the drinking establishment and orders a drink.
Bartender asks, “Aren’t you the same string I just refused to serve?”
String replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, some kinda joke?”
A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the barman, “How much for a beer?” Barman replies, “For you? No charge!”
I never get tired of either of those.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bartender?”
Where’s the bar tender?
Our own dear Eve once posted one that still makes me giggle.
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face.”
Cracks me up!
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have seen it!
I heard it as “Is the bartender here?”
My favorite version of that joke: A guy walks into a bar and says “ouch!”
Close But Not Quite Dept:
A zen master goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything!”
The vendor gives him the dog and the master gives him a fiver, which is promptly pocketed. The master asks, 'Where’s my change?" and the vendor replies, “Change comes from within.”
Two pieces of tarmac go into a bar.
They’re having a nice pint when a piece of red cement walks in the door.
One of the pieces of tarmac sees the cement, immediately grabs the other one, drags him to the floor, and pushes him under the table.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the second piece of tarmac.
“Shh!” replies the first. “I know we’re hard, but that guy’s a fucking cycle path!”
Alternatively: a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The minister ducked.
Guys runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “I need six shots of tequila! Quick!”
The bartender quickly sets up six shot glasses and starts pouring tequila, and the man starts slamming them back as fast as the bartender can pour them. “Whoa! Why are you drinking so fast?” asks the bartender.
“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have!” explains the man.
The bartender arches an eyebrow and backs up a bit. “Um, what do you have?”
“Seventy-five cents.”
Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with tedious inevitability. (courtesy of Bill Bailey)
I encountered pretty much that setup in an elevator at work (I work in a hospital, they all had employee badges tagged “Chaplain”) and I reaaaally had to restrain myself from saying that punchline.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
He orders a shot of rum. So the bartender says, “Sure. What’s with the paper towel?”
The pirate says, “Arrggh, I have a bounty on me head!”
The Lone Ranger walks into a bar with his trusty sidekick, Tonto. He turns to Tonto and tells him to go outside and cool down the horses. Tonto goes to do that, but doesn’t have a fan or cool water for the horses, so he starts running around the horses to create a nice cooling breeze. A short time later, someone else walks into the bar and says, “Hey, someone left their Injun’ running.”
A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel down his pants.
The bartender asks him, “Gee what’s that down your pants, a streering wheel?”
The pirate replies, “Arr! And it’s driving me nuts!”
A dog limps into a bar. He’s wearing a black shirt, black hat, black boots, little black bandage around one of the boot. He drawls to the barman, “I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw.”