A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender eyes them suspiciously and says: “Alright, I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. “How about a pitcher of Miller Light?”, calls the bartender. “I think not,” replies Descartes, and he disappears.
I’m pretty sure I heard that one here.
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop.
A little raunchy:
A guy goes into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. Bartender serves them, and the guy downs them in rapid succession. The bartender asks him, “What’s the special occasion?”
[spoiler]The guy says, “My first blowjob.”
“Congratulations!” says the bartender. “Let me buy you a sixth!”
The guy says, “Naw – if five can’t take the taste out of my mouth, I doubt if a sixth will!”[/spoiler]
A mushroom walks into a bar - the bartender scowls at him, and growls, “we don’t serve your kind here!”
Mushroom frowns, and says, “hey, but I’m a fungi!”
For those keeping score, these are the two that made me laugh out loud.
This is an old one. Man trains his dog to go down to the corner bar with a $1 bill under the collar and get a pack of cigs. (I said it was an old one.)Dog always comes back with the pack tucked under the collar and the change in his mouth.
One day the man doesn’t have any singles handy, so he sends the dog down to the corner with a $5 bill. Dog doesn’t come back.
Man waits a little longer. No dog.
Little longer. Still no dog.
Man goes down to the bar and finds the dog on a stool drinking a vodka gimlet.
He says to the dog, “You never did this before!”
Dog says, “I never had the money before.”
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know,” he goes on, “we don’t get many kangaroos in here.”
The kangaroo replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
A man walks into a bar with a dog. He says to the bartender, “This dog can talk. Give me a drink and I’ll show you!”
The bartender shrugs and gives him a drink.
The man turns to the dog and says, “How does sandpaper feel?”
The dog responds, “Rrrrrough! Rrrrrough!”
The man asks, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog says, “Rrrrrooof! Rrrrrooof!”
Then man says, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?”
The dog replies, “Rrrrrouuth! Rrrrrouth!”
The bartender explodes “That’s just stupid! What do you take me for! Get out, and take that mangy mutt with you!”
Outside on the street, the dog turns to the man and says
"Should I have said DiMaggio?
A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is destroying his family.
An English teacher walks into a bar and hears two drunks at the end of the bar arguing. The first one says, “Bigawd, it’s spelled ‘bar-r-r-o-o-l-m!’” The second one smacks the first one on the arm. “No, it ain’t!” he bellows, “it’s spelt ‘b-a-a-a-a-r-r-r-o-o-o-m-m-m!’” After several minutes of this, the bartender walks over. “Gentlemen,” he says, “if you look it up in Webster’s Dictionary, you’ll see it’s two words. B-a-r and r-o-o-m.” The drunks look at the teacher and at each other, then one of them says, “Aw, don’t pay no 'tention to him – he ain’t never heard a elephant fart!”
I swear to God, my sainted mother told me this joke when I was thirteen years old. She’d had several glasses of wine at the time.
f(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”.
f**’**(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”.
But that’s the same joke? No, it’s derivative humour.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a pint of…”
Would you believe I was so concerned about not accidentally making “bar tender” two words that I forgot to type the rest of the sentence?
…beer."
The bartender replies, “Why the big pause?”
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well”, said the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”
Damn! You beat me to it. This is one of my father’s favorites. 
I was going to post that one darn you.
Oh well.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says “bartender, give me a beer.”
The bartender sizes him up and says “sorry, we don’t serve bears in this bar.”
The polar bar, hoping to appeal to the sympathies of the bartender says “look man, I’ve had a rough day and really just want a beer, could I please have one?”
Again, the bartender refuses him service and so the bear threatens "look, all I want is a beer, and if you don’t give me one NOW I’m going to EAT that woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender again frefuses to serve the bear, infuriating him more. Surely enough the bear walks to the end of the bar, strikes the woman dead with one blow, and eats her whole. He returns to where the bartender is standing and says “look, you saw that, now can I have a beer?”
The bartender calmly states “sir, we don’t serve bears here, and we surely don’t serve drug addicts.”
Confused, the bear takes a step back and says “drug addict? What are you talking about? I’ve never taken drugs in my life!”
The bartender looks up at him and says “Oh yeah? What about that bar bitch you ate!”
Or maybe…
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog just killed it, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “she’s a pomeranian.”
“Bull!” roared the biker, “how could your puny pomeranian kill my Doberman?”
“It appears that your dog choked on her, sir.”
Good joke, and it works better if you make the speech more piratey. “Blue up” the seagull droppings and it works for adults too. <— that’s not an insult. I really like the joke
You mean say “poop” instead of “droppings”? I could never! 