…and knocks himself out.
Ha! I love that on so many levels!
Another joke thread!!!
The set-up is “This guy walks into a bar…”
You do the rest.
“This guy walks into a bar…”
with a frog on his head.
The bartender asks “Where’d that come from?”
The frog says “It started as a wart on my ass and kept growing.”
(“Ba bump-dump” optional.)
This guy walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender pulls a gun from behind the counter, points it at guy, does not shoot.
Guy thanks bartender, then leaves.
He really did want a glass of water, and it was a real gun.
Why?
Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second guy would’ve ducked.
A guy walks into a bar that had the old saloon-type doors. A dog had gotten under the doors and defecated just inside the bar. The man slipped in it and fell on his ass. He picks himself up and goes to the bar. A second man came into the bar and slipped in the dog feces. The first man said, “I just did that.” The second man pummeled him.
A pirate walks into a bar with a large parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, “Where did you get that?”
The parrot said, “The Caribbean.”
…with a Preist, a Rabbi, a Nun, a blonde, a redhead, a black guy, a Mexican, and a rope tied into a knot. The bartender looks up and says “what is this, some kind of a joke?” (ba-dum-tssh!) 
punk snot dead
Carina42
The customer had the hiccups. The bartender scared them out of him. The water was for the hiccups was was unnecessary after the hiccups stopped.
And obviously screeech-owl stayed too long in a bar, as proverd by THAT sentence.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says “so why the long face?”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar.
The bartender says “Beat it, we don’t serve food here”
So, Gaudere walks into a bar… 
So the guy walks into the bar with a shoebox and an empty coke bottle.
He looks a little drunk bum and the bartender is wary.He comes up to the counter and plonks himself into a stool and carfully positions his shoe box and empty coke bottle before him. He beckons the bartender over and says :
“I have no money”
The bartender drops the towel and begins rolling up his sleeves.
“No ! Wait!..if you give me a beer I will entertain all of your customers”
The bartender looks around . It’s a slow day he figures
“what the hell?”.
He pulls a draught and sets it down before the guy muttering “This better be good Buddy!”
The guy then puffs himself up and invites everyone in the bar to come and see the miraculous wonder he has in his shoebox.
With the crowd assembled he slowly removes the lid.
Inside is a baby baby baby grand piano and sitting beside it is a living breathing 2inch tall Liberace. Liberace waves to the crowd and begings to play…
Hours later the guy is really drunk and the crowd is heaving and jostling for a better look. Liberace is playing for all he is worth and everyone is in a great mood.
Over the din the bartender calls out “Closing TIME …EVERYBODY OUT”.
The crowd boo and hiss.
The drunk tells the bartender that if he stays open a nother hour so he can party with his new friends he will grant the bartender 1 wish.
The bartender is wary but figures he has nothing to lose.
The guy tells him that in his empty Coke bottle there is a Genie, one of the oldest and most powerful of the arabian genies. He tells the bartender he is prepared to let him ask the Genie for one wish but warns him…“the genie is real old man! He deaf in his left ear and half deaf in his right ear so make sure you shout your wish into his right ear”
The bartender nods and watches as the guy slowly undoes the lid.
WHooossh !Kazaammm! Whatever !
The bar goes quite as an enormous swirl of smoke slowly binds to reveal a magnificent genie.
teh bartender beckons to the genie to lean down so that he might tell him his wish. The genie complies. The bartender screams into his right ear
“I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!!!”
Teh genie nods , claps his hands and suddenly the doors fly open and an enormous flock of geese and swans duck fly through teh bar and leave by the back door.In a few seconds of a squaking feathered tornado they are gone.
Picking feathers from his mouth the Bartender glares at the guy and asks “What the Hell is Going On ?? !!”
“Hey” says the guy “I told you he was deaf …you didnt think I aked him for a 12” pianist did you ?"
I am sooooo sorry.
Rene Descarte is drinking in a bar. It’s getting close to closing time, so the bartender comes over and says, “Mr. Descarte, woul you like ‘one for the road’?”
Rene Descarte said, “I think not.”
And suddenly vanished!
This guy walks into a bar, and he’s really hungry. The bar has a contest for all you can eat steaks for life. The guys asks for details, and is told all ya have to do is go back into the alley and pull a sore tooth from the meanest, nastiest, mangiest pit bull guard dog, then go upstairs and “service” the bartender’s 98 year old nympho grandma. The guy thinks it over, takes a few shots, his stomach grumbling. Shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach, but he belts a few more down for liquid courage. Then a few more.
Finally, we slides off the barstool and says, “bartenner, I’ve deshided I’ll take yer bet, fire up the grill for my steaks!”
The crowd in the bar is astonished. Nobody has ever taken that bet. The guy staggers out the back door into the alley, and all hell breaks loose. There is screaming, growling, sounds of tearing flesh, garbage cans being knocked over, goes on for five minutes… then silence. The crowd in the bar is about to raise a glass in memory of the poor drunk guy, when he flings the door open and staggers inside. He says, “Now where is that old lady with the sore tooth?”
A woman walks into a bar and says to the barman “I’ll have a double entendre please.”
So he gave her one.
I get a kick out of tlling this one:
This grasshopper walks into a bar. The astonished bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper replies, “Really?!? You have a drink named ‘Steve’?”
So a Squirrel walks into a bar…
hops up onto the stool , puts down his cigarettes and mobile phone and says “Bartender , a guiness and a Jameson”
Teh bartender in shock at seeing a talking squirrel pours the drinks and watches agog as the squirel knocks the drinks back.
“Again” says the squirrel .
the bartender pours.
This goes on all night and the Squirrel is getting plastered but behaving himself.
Towards the end of the night the Squirrel says goodbye and stumbles out the door.
The bartender can hear him scratching around in the gravel of the carpark outside and he can hear a few blue curses.
The Squirrel comes back in “hazzzhh anyone of yis seen me keys ?” (It’s a northside Dublin squirrel)
The bartender see the keys but takes one look at the staggering squirrel and says “look Buddy there’s no way I’m giving you these keys back , come back in the morning for them …you’re just far too drunk to drive”
The Squirrel moans and sighs and says “Noooo! You don’t understand…I’m locked out of me tree”
A bear walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to bears.”
The bear replies, “Dammit, I want a beer!”
The bartender says, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears!”
The bear says, “You’d better give me a beer or I’ll eat one of your customers!”
The bartender refuses again, so the bear wanders down to the other end of the bar and proceeds to eat a platinum blonde seated at the opposite end of the room.
The bear then takes his seat and again orders a beer.
The bartender replies, “Look, I told you! We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears, especially when they’re on drugs!”
The bear retorts, “I’m not on drugs!”
The bartender says, “Oh, yes you are. . .that was a barbitchyouate!”
Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all week, folks! Remember to treat your waitresses well. Try the veal!
Yer pal,
Zappo
So a mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.” So the mushroom replys, “But I’m a real fungi!”
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
…a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!”. Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt”. At this, the man called the bartender over.,“Hey…i must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts” answered the bartender. “Say what?” “You heard me” said the barkeep.“it’s the peanuts…they’re complimentary.”
(It’s “Descartes” btw)
I swear to God I am not making this up. I was just reading this thread in General Questions. It’s about the traditional decoration on those funeral limos, the ones that carry the coffin. Then I read this thread.
I’m glad I didn’t read them in the opposite order, because that would be putting Descartes before the hearse.