Is it possible to say that out loud? I’ve a friend who would love that joke, but I’ve no idea how to pronounce f(x) or f**’**(x).
I believe that ‘f of x’ and ‘f prime of x’ should be clear enough.
(Don’t ask me to tell jokes. But math notation? 
)
Duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
Barman says “Get out, we don’t serve ducks here”
Next day duck walks into same bar and asks for a pint.
Barman: I told you yesterday we don’t serve ducks, come in again and I nail your feet to the bar
Next day duck walks in, "Got any nails?
Barman, “No”
Duck, “pint please”
It’s been done already, but my favourite version is:
*A blonde and a brunette walk into a bar.
The redhead ducks.
*
Of course, I also always liked:
*A vampire walks into a bar and orders a Bloody Mary. A few minutes later, a second vampire walks in an asks for a Blood on the rocks. None of this bothers the bartender, he’s used to the night crowd. Sometime around last call, a rather tired looking vampire walks in, sits down and asks for a cup of hot water.
The bartender is confused. “Look, pal, I understand the guy over there that wanted the Bloody Mary, and the blood on the rocks guy, but WTF does a vampire want with hot water?”
The vampire reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a used tampon – “duh, I’m gonna make tea!”*
Almost forgot (and I know it’s not a bar, but it still makes me giggle):
Jesus walks into a hotel, slaps 3 nails on the counter and asks, “can ya put me up for the night?”
A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and sits down at a table. It’s early in the evening, so no other customers are there.
“Gee, that’s a great tie!” says a voice. The man looks around, sees nothing. Thinking he imagined it, he dismisses it and sips his drink.
“What a great guy you are!” says another voice. The man looks all around the bar, sees nobody, and takes another sip, confused.
“I LOVE your new haircut!” another voice chimes in. The man is very disturbed now and gets out of his seat to search the are.
From way over at the other end of the room, the bartender notices the man’s discomfort. “Is anything wrong sir?”
“I keep hearing voices! Where are they coming from?” he yells.
The bartender smiles and points toward the bowl on his table. “That’s just the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave it to her.
A guy walks into a bar. He is accompanied by twelve gorgeous women. He sits down at the bar and orders a scotch, and pays for it with a hundred. “Keep the change”, he says. Then a little man, less than a foot tall, jumps out of his jacket pocket and starts running around the bar, kicking over the drinks and nut bowls, and swearing at the other patrons. Then he jumps back in the guy’s pocket.
“What the hell was that?” asks the bartender.
“Oh, that?” says the guy. “I was walking on the beach and I found this old lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out and granted me three wishes. I wished for a dozen beautiful girlfriends, a million dollars in cash, and a ten inch prick.”
A guy walks into a bar and notices that the music is live, and it is being produced by a very small piano player - about a foot tall! He orders a drink and asks the bartender where he go the musician from. “Oh,” says the bartender, “I’ve got a magical beer bottle. When you rub it, a genie comes out and grants you one wish.”
“I don’t believe that,” replies the visitor. The bartender gives him a seemingly empty bottle. “Here - give it a try.” The man rubs the bottle and out pops a genie. “I will grant you one wish,” he says. “Let’s see,” says the guy, “I wish for a thousand bucks!” “You shall have them,” booms the genie and he disappears. All of a sudden, the bar is full of ducks. They are on the tables, on the counter, on the floor - everywhere! The bartender takes the bottle back and says: “Do you believe me now?”
“Why?” says the guy, “I never wished for a thousand ducks!” “Sure,” replies the bartender, “Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
I prefer the version with the ten-inch pianist.
A giraffe walks into a bar and asks, “Do you serve highballs here?”
That’s the other joke I was thinking of posting. 
A guy walks into a fur store on a Friday afternoon. A beautiful woman is with him. The guy asks the clerk to see his finest fur coats. The woman tries a bunch of them on, and decides on a really nice one.
“How much?”, asks the guy.
“Sixty-five thousand dollars” replies the clerk.
“Personal check OK?”
“Yes sir, but you’ll have wait until Monday for the check to clear. I can hold the coat for you until it does.”
“Great”, says the guy, who then writes out the check. “I’ll see you on Monday.”
The next Monday, the guy returns to the store, this time alone.
“How dare you!” says the clerk. “Your check bounced! I can’t sell you the coat.”
“I know”, says the guy. “I just wanted to thank you for a fantastic weekend.”
Better yet is a second voice chiming in after each kindly comment:
“Tie? Looks like the rag the painter’s boy used to wipe the brushes! What a fright!”
and then:
“Great guy? Like we need another brain-dead plug-ugly bar-fly round here!”
and finally:
“Haircut? Looks like a hedgehog crawled up there and died of fleabites!”
because
“The peanuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order.”
A gigantic, burly, MEAN-looking dude storms into a bar, strides right up to the midpoint of the long bar (which is already crowded from one end to the other) and plants himself on a stool (the stool was occupied, but he merely swatted the guy to the floor and stepped over him.) He orders a shot.
The Dude looks to his left, staring down every last man seated there. “Everybody on this end of the bar is a faggot!” He swigs the shot and orders another.
The Dude looks to his right, glaring at the other row of customers. “Everybody on this end of the bar is a motherfucker!” He downs the next shot.
As he’s waiting for a third shot, a small, unassuming man from the right-side of the bar gets out of his seat, and walks slowly, nervously toward the Dude.
“You got something to say to me?” asks the Dude in a threatening tone.
“No,” says the man. “I just realized that I’m sitting at the wrong end of the bar.”
A man walks up to the bartender and says, “I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and piss into a jar without spilling a drop.”
The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he’ll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to piss.
He not only misses the jar, but doesn’t even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.
The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my friends $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!".
A man walks into a bar around 5 PM, orders three shots, drinks them and leaves. The next day he does the same. And the day after. The bartender asks him about his routine.
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘my brothers and I used to drink together after work, but they had to move across country to take new jobs, so we vowed we would go to a bar after work and each have three drinks, one for each brother.’ The bartender nodded and went back to work.
So every day for several years, the man came in after work, and drank three drinks. One day, the man comes in and orders two drinks. The bartender says, ‘I’m sorry that something must have happened to your brother. I hope he didn’t linger.’
‘What?’ says the man. ‘Oh this, naw, it’s that my wife made me quit drinking.’
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. So he approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…you pay $10 and if you pass two tests, you get all the money of this jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus. First - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Then - There’s a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!”
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks; he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling and biting, and screaming… then nothing but silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and bleeding all over his body. He says…" Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?"
The bear held up his arms and said, “I’m a bear!”
A burly prospector walks into a saloon, flips a gold nugget onto the bar, and says “I want some bottles of beer and the roughest, toughest prostitute you’ve got in this joint.” An experienced looking woman at the end of the bar stands up and says “Follow me, handsome.” The prospector grabs the beers and follows the woman upstairs to a room, where he finds her bent over the edge of a bed, looking back at him with a smile. The prospector says “How’d you know I liked to do it doggy style?,” to which the woman replied “I didn’t, I just figured you’d want to get those beers opened.”
Two more for the road.
There’s this guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I’m thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . .”
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says “if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night”.
So he says “ok” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.
So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
The man says “Last night I told him my dick was bigger than his. Tonight I proved it”.
Mini-poll time.
Who’s getting new material from this and who’s heard em all.
Me: Knew all of em except the peanuts and the fruit machine
A man of apparent Irish ancestry walks into a bar and takes a seat. He strikes up a conversation with the guy sitting to his right.
“Pardon me, but ye look as if ye’re from the Auld Sod. May I ask your surname?”
“O’Connor.”
“Why, faith and begorra! I’m an O’Connor too! Patrick O’Connor! Barkeep! A pint for this O’Connor chap! What’s your first name?”
“Mike. So Patrick, may I ask your mother’s name?”
“Why sure. It’s Bridget.”
“Saints me praised! Me sainted mother is also called Bridget! Barkeep! A drink for Paddy over here! And so, Paddy, where did ye go to school?”
“St. Brendan’s, lad!”
“Why, I graduated from there myself!”
“Barkeep! Another pint for this son o’ St. Brendan’s!”
At this point, another customer turns to the bartender and asks, “Have you ever seen such an amazing set of coincidences in your life?”
The publican responds, “Yes, I have. Yesterday, in fact. And the day before, and every other day those blessed O’Connor brothers get drunk together…”