Comic Sans went into a bar...

An guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender says, “You should order them one at a time–they’ll stay cold that way.”

The guy says, “Naw. See, my two brothers moved away so to stay connected at the same time every day each of us go into our local pub and drinks three pints in honor of the absent brothers.”

"Ah, nice tradition!’ says the barman, who sets him up.

Year after year the same ritual is followed - the guy sits with his three pints, sipping from each in turn. Then one day he only orders two pints. The bartender realizes that one of the brothers must have died so he says, “Aw, geez, sorry about the passing of your brother.”

The guy says, “No, you have it wrong–they’re both still alive. It’s just that I’ve stopped drinking.”

Not me, I knew a few on first page but the vast majority are new to me. I can’t think of any that haven’t been posted yet. Oh, except this chestnut:

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. When he’s finished, he stands up, calmly pulls out a gun and starts shooting up the bar. The bartender dives to the floor behind the bar and stays there until the shooting stops. When he gets up, the panda’s just walking out the door. “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT???” yells the bartender.
“I’m a panda,” calls the panda, “look it up.” And he walks away.
The bartender goes into the back room, where he happens to have a dictionary. He looks up the entry for panda and reads, “A large black-and-white bearlike mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Let’s just say I kept reading for the sole purpose of telling the one about…

Shit. Someone took that. Ok, no worries, I’ll tell the one about…

Bastard. I hate you. Waitwaitwait, there’s the one about…

Well, hell.

So since I can’t actually tell any new ones I’m going to curse out MeanOldLady because…

Herschel? HERSCHEL? Freakin’ heretic. The grasshopper’s name is STEVE.

Christ. Way to ruin a joke.

Alternatively, “The high balls are on me!”
A real ugly guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The bartender asks, “Where’d you get that?”

The frog says, “It started out as a wart on my ass.”

A guy walks into a bar, and as the bartender walks over to serve him, he notices that the guy smells really bad. Really bad. He says, “Sir, I’m sorry but your …ummm… odor may offend other customers. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

The guy heaves a great sigh, and resignedly gets up to leave. But the bartender feels sorry for him and before he can go says, “Hang on. It’s not too busy. You can stay for one drink.”

He takes his order and as he brings the drink over he says, “I know this is rather personal, but why do you smell like that?”

“It’s my job. I work for the circus. I clean up after the elephants.”

“Ah, that explains it. So you just got off work?”

“No, I’ve been doing it for so long, the scent stays with me no matter how often I bathe.”

The bartender says, “That’s terrible.”

The guy says, “That’s not the half of it. I’ve lost all my friends and women won’t have anything to do with me.”

“But the circus must pay you really well.”

“Nope.”

“I don’t get it. You seem like an intelligent guy. Why don’t you just find another job?”

“What, and give up show business?”

A woman walks into a bar and waves her arm up high, exposing a wet and hairy armpit. She calls out, “Yoohoo! Who’d like to buy me a drink?” A drunk at the far end of the bar says, “I’ll buy a drink for the ballerina!”

A while later she’s up again waving her arm around and asking who would buy her a drink. Again the drunk says, “I’ll buy a drink for the ballerina!” The bartender pours the drink then asks the drunk, “What makes you think she’s a ballerina?”

The drunk guy says, “Hey, any woman who can kick her leg that high has to be a ballerina!”

In a similar vein…

S^G

An [ethnic, political, professional, or social group of your choice] walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.

The bartender asks, “Where’d you get him?”

The monkey says “I won him in a raffle.”

A spiral galaxy goes into a pub. The landlord scowls and says “Get out - you’re barred!”.

A clean vampire one, now:

Three vampires walk into a bar. The barmaid asks them what they’ll have. The first one says, “I’ll have a glass of blood”. The second says “Same here”. The third says “I’m on a diet; gimme a glass of plasma”. So the barmaid calls to the tender, “Two bloods and a blood light!”

And one of my personal favorites:

A pirate walks into a bar, and the bird on his shoulder keep squawking “Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!”. The bartender asks, “Hey, what’s up with him?”. The pirate replies “Oh, don’t mind that. That’s just a one-bit parroty error.”.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. The bartender asks “What’s his name?” The man replies “Tiny.” Bartender asks “Why Tiny?”

The man answers, “Because he’s my newt.”

Fellow goes into a bar, sees that the place is set up with all sorts of musical instruments, and sees the sign that says open mike night. The fellow goes to the bartender and says, “At home I’ve got a pet octopus, and that octopus can play any one of those instruments, and play it well. For free drinks, I’ll bring him in and show you.” The bartender says, “Sure, I’d like to see that.”

The fellow goes home and brings in the octopus. Yeah, the octopus plays them all, the drums, the piano, the banjo. The bartender thinks for a little bit, and goes back and brings out a set of bagpipes. The octopus goes over and looks at the bagpipes, and just stares at it. The bartender tells the fellow, “Hey, we’ve finally managed to stump your friend.” The fellow says, “Give him another minute or two. As soon as he figures out that he can’t make love to it, he’ll start playing it.”

Guy goes into a bar, and says to the bartender, “If I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?”

The bartender says, “I’ve seen a lot of things in my life. It would take a hell of a lot to amaze me.”

But the guy keeps on asking him. So finally the bartender says sure.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out a tiny piano. And from his right pants pocket, he pulls out a rat. The rat sees the little piano, sits on the little stool and starts slamming out a funktastic jazz beat; soon, the entire bar is swinging and swaying.

The bartender is amazed. He gives the guy a drink, and says, “I’ll buy that rat for a thousand dollars.”

Guy goes, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. But if I show you something even more amazing, can I get free drinks for the night?”

And the bartender says, “You just showed me a piano-playing rat. There’s no way you can possibly top that. Deal.”

So the guy reaches into his left pants pocket and pulls out a frog. The frog sits next to to the piano, and as the rat changes songs, the frog launches into a powerful blues piece. His voice is brilliant, rich and deep, and before long half the patrons are blubbering into their drinks.

The bartender says, “My god! I’m just blown away. Free drinks for you, for the night. But…would you sell the frog?”

The guy goes, “Name your price.”

“1,000”
“No.”
“5,000”
“No.”
“10,000”
“Sold.”

And the guy gives the frog to the bartender in exchange for $10,000, upon which the bartender leaves, planning his world tour.

The guy sitting next to the first guy turns and asks, “Dude! Why did you sell such an amazing frog for $10,000! You could have gotten millions!”

And the first guy chuckles, and says “I did it because the rat is a ventriloquist.”

A man walks into a bar. He’s tall, wearing a nice suit . . . and has an enormous orange head, like a beachball or a giant pumpkin sitting on his shoulders. He sits down at the bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender doesn’t say a thing but serves him the drink. Finally the bartender can’t hold back any longer. “I’m terribly sorry to bother you, sir,” he says. “I know you must get this all the time, but, um . . . what’s wrong with your head? It’s all . . . um . . . big and, you know . . . orange.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the man smiles. “I’m quite used to it, and it’s actually a rather interesting story, so I don’t mind telling you. You see, I was walking along the beach one day, when I came upon this old lamp lying in the sand, right out of 1001 Nights. Well, naturally I picked it up and gave it a rub. Sure enough this genie popped out and offered me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” the bartender asked.

“My first wish was for $100 million. The genie folded his arms and blinked his eyes and said, ‘It’s yours. Call your bank and you’ll find $100 million was deposited in your bank account this morning.’ So I called the bank, and sure enough, it was there! I’m fabulously wealthy, I have mansions and yachts and a private jet, my every need is taken care of.”

“Ok,” said the bartender, “that was the first wish. What about the second?”

“For my second wish, I wished for the most sexy, beautiful woman the world to fall in love with me. The genie wiggled his nose and the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen was standing in front of me looking deep into my eyes. We made love right there on the beach and got married the next day. We love each other and couldn’t be happier.”

“Ok,” said the bartender, getting impatient. “I see where this is headed. What about the third wish?”

“Ah,” said the man. "The third wish. The third wish is where I think I might have fucked it up. For my third wish, I wished for a big orange head!

A bottle of beer walks into a bar and gets drunk.

A seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender.

The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club”.

In one city, there a bar atop a skyscraper on the 50th floor. A man tries it out for the first time.

One of the regulars notices him and they get to talking. “You know an interesting thing?” the regular asks. “We may be up 50 stories, but the wind currents are such that if you jumped out the window, you’d just hang there and not fall.”

“You’re nuts,” says the man.

“I’ll prove it.” He opens the window then steps out. The wind is blowing outside and he just hangs there in the air for a several minutes before stepping back inside. “See?”

“Let me try it,” says the newcomer. He steps out the window and, feeling the air currents, steps off.

He plummets to his death.

The bartender comes up to the regular. “You know, Superman, you’re a very mean drunk.”

The third guy ducked.

A guy swam into a bar…

That was my father’s favorite joke. Sometimes he could barely get halfway through it. Sometimes he would just say the punchline and crack up. Now I just say it.