A man staggers up to a bar and gasps, " I want something cold, tall, and full of gin!"
The drunk at the bar turns to him and says, “I’ll thank you, sir, not to talk about my wife!”
Yes, I know. I was going to wait *weeks *to follow that up. Months. Hell, I might have gone a year. I might have instructed my son in my will to unearth the SDMB and post the follow up. You give it one post? You gotta commit.
A brain walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly out of your skull.”
A nose walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly off your face.”
A partially dismasted galleon walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry sir, you’re clearly three sheets to the wind.”
A partially severed artery and a bent nail walk into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry, but you’re totally hammered and she’s half-cut.”
A guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and orders two beers.
“Two beers?” asks the bartender.
“Yeah, one for me and one for the road”.
Nope, I’ve heard most of these. Some of them twice!
Spanish okay? Don’t worry, I’ll translate and explain.
A depraved old man with a noticeable limp walks into a bar. A beautiful young girl is stitting at the bar. The old man grabs her and starts feeling her up and kissing her. The girl recoils in horror, trying to push him back. She shouts at him, “¡Cojo horrible!” (Horrible cripple!)
So the old man says to her, “No te preocupes, mi amor. ¡Te enseñaré como!” (Don’t worry, my love. I’ll teach you how!)
(Cojo horrible also means “I fuck terribly”).
dangit, beat me to it.
William Shakespeare walks into a bar.
Barman says “Get out, you’re bard”
Two peanuts walked into a seedy bar in a bad neighborhood. One was a-salted.
A guy and a giraffe walk into a bar. The giraffe starts taking shot after shot until he falls off his stool and passes out on the floor. The guy gets up to leave when the Bartender says, “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!”. The man looks at him oddly and goes:
“Lion? It’s a fucking giraffe”. Ba-dum-bump.
Not bar jokes as such, but they make me chuckle all the same.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks up and asks “Hey, you have any idea how to drive this thing?”
A fish is swimming down a river. He hits a wall and goes “Dam!”
I’ll be here all week, folks. Tip your waitress.
Ha! I know a guy who insists the grasshopper is named Irving, and another who swears by Bob. It’s Herschel, people, Herschel…
I gotta lay off the idiot pills. It took me a second to get this.
Jeez, where I come from the grasshoppers name has always been Kevin…maybe its just an Australian thing…
I’m in the middle of a contest at work with our senior psychologist to tell the most mysoginistic, racist or offensive joke-so I can’t tell you any of those. So let me chime in with…
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops dead with a disgusted look on his face and says ‘Oy Vey! I’m in the wrong joke again!’
Cue "One Froggy Night, Chuck Jones, 1955
