What is the funniest joke you ever heard?
Before the water into wine stunt, Jesus was known at Nazareth High School for turning houseplants into primo Jamaican bud.
Desperation prevails, huh, ** Ilsa_Lund**? 
The funniest joke I ever heard is old hat, so I’ll let somebody else take up my slack. You have to hear it verbally, anyway.
Good try, though!
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
Not the funniest, but the only one coming to mind:
Three men walk into a bar–you’d think the third guy woulda ducked.
Definitely not PC.
Q: How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis- I mean LADDER!
“So, what’s with the ostrich?”
“Well, my other wish was for a long-legged chick who would always agree with me.”
Well, the funniest joke I have heard is pretty offensive, don’t know if it would concern the mods to say it.
Q: Who is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christopher Walken
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
Horse walks into a bar. He’s the only customer. Sits down at a bar stool, orders a beer and proceeds to drink it slow and deliberately, silent, head hanging eyes down.
After observing him for a while the barman opens with;
“So…why the long face?”
There are some really good ones in this thread, including a very funny adult joke in a spoiler tag on page 5.
How many Oberlin students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to put it in, and two to figure out how to get high off of the old one.
I have some other ones that are funnier but really not at all PC.
A man and his giraffe walk into a bar and get pissed out of their minds and the giraffe eventually passes out on the floor. The man then proceeds to leave the bar and the bartender yells “Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” to which the man replies “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
It’s funnier when you’re drunk
Please don’t hit me. These jokes were told to me many years ago by my physics teacher at school.
So, there’s this green man, who lives in a green house. One morning, he wakes up, and get up out of his green bed. He decides that he needs a shower before breakfast, and so jumps into the shower. Whilst he’s in the shower, there’s a knock at the door. So, he gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around his waist and goes to answer the door. Its his next door neighbour, they have a bit of a chin-wag, and she asks if she can borrow a cup of sugar. At this point, there’s a huge gust of wind, that blows the green man’s towel off. The neighbour is horrified, and runs out the gate, into the middle of the road, and is knocked over by a bus.
The moral of the story? Don’t cross the road whilst the green man’s flashing.
And another one:
Once, there was a purple man, who lived in a purple house. One day the purple man decided that he needed a holiday, so on the purple morning, he got out of his purple bed, had a purple shower, got dressed in his purple clothes, and went into his kitchen to have his purple breakfast, and read his purple paper. In the purple paper, he saw an advert for purple holidays. He thought that this was a very good idea, and after breakfast, he got into his purple car, drove into the purple town, and went to the purple travel agents to book his purple holiday.
A few weeks later, it ws time for him to leave. So, he packed his purple suitcase, drove his purple car to the purple airport, left his purple car in the purple car park, checked in at the purple check-in desk, and soon was sat on a purple plane, getting ready for take off.
So, the purple plane took off, and soon was flying high above the purple sea. However, at this point, slight disaster struck - one of the purple engines stopped working. The purple captain addressed the passengers and told them not to worry, because the other purple engine still worked. Until disaster struck for a second time, and the other purple engine stopped working, and the purple plane crashed into the purple sea. The purple man, miraculously, survived, and decided to try and swim for dry land. He swam for days and days, until he finally found a purple island. As he rested on the purple island finally, he realised that he had no way of contactin anyone, and that he’d been marooned.
Don’t hit me! Please!!
Going with Angua’s theme:
Sean goes to join the Dangerous Sports Club of All Ireland and turns up at his first meeting and Paddy welcomes him to the Club saying, “Ta’ first tree are free, so ya ken see if it suits ya” (aside: not sure how you do an Irish accent in print - apart from not like that). So they jump into the club van and head for the cliff tops, “We just have to pop into the pet store on the way.” says Paddy. They park up outside and he pops into the shop and comes out with a pair of budgerigars, hands them to Sean and drives to cliffs and pulls up.
Passing the birds to one of the members Paddy turns to Sean, “Now watch this…”
The bloke holds a budgerigar on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Hits the bottom, stone dead. “Hmmm”, goes Paddy, “that wasn’t supposed to happen, lets come back next week.”
Next week they meet up and Paddy turns to Sean, saying “We just have to pop into the pet store on the way.”
Out he comes with a plump red hen. Passes it to Sean and heads for the cliffs, parks up, passes the hen to another member who holds it above his head and jumps off the cliff. Hits the bottom, stone dead. “Hmmm”, goes Paddy, “that wasn’t supposed to happen, lets come back next week.”
Next week they meet up and Paddy turns to Sean, saying “We just have to pop into the pet store on the way.” Out he comes with a parrot. Passes it to Sean and heads for the cliffs, parks up, passes the parrot to another member who holds it to his chest pulls out a Colt 45 and, as he jumps, shoots the parrot in the head.
Hits the bottom, stone dead.
Paddy turns to Sean and says, “Hmmm. So do you fancy joining the Dangerous Sports Club of All Ireland, then?”
And Sean replies, “No fecking wey! I’ve seen you budgie-jumping and hen-gliding but this parrot-shooting is just too much!!”
What the holy hell is a budgerigar?
Wait, on second glance, it appears to be the full word for “budgie”
Color me ignorant for not even knowing that “budgie” was an abbreviation. :smack:
“… it’s taking longer than we thought” to quote a phrase.
One of my favorite clean jokes - it’s really dumb, though. I heard Tom Glavine of the Atlanta Braves tell it on the radio years ago.
Why do scuba divers fall out of the boat backwards when they go diving?
Because if they fell forward, they’d fall into the boat.
For the Americans in the audience:
A caustic conductor was hated by his orchestra members.
One night, two of them tied the pages of his score together just before Beethoven’s “Ninth Symphony” to get even with him.
Then two of his drummers, and a few bass players, who had six minutes between playing parts, slipped out for a quick one at the bar across the alley. The basses came back rather tipsy. The two drummers had passed out completely!
As the conductor tried to turn the pages to the last movement, he realized he had a problem, and shouted: “It’s the Ninth; the score is tied, there are two out, and the bases are loaded!”
And for the Brits:
(Heard ages ago in a radio skit - I have zero idea what it was called, nor who did it - two guys talking on a plane just before a parachute jump(?) into war zone(?). Maybe some takeoff on Catch 22?):
A) “Eh, stop the hysterics. Keep a stiff upper lip!”
B) “My upper lip is stiff! It’s the bloody lower one that keeps on quivering!”
Well, I thought it was funny.
Dani