Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Lets go ride bikes!
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON’T KNOW! YOU WEREN’T THERE!
So a priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
A man walks up to a bartender and says, “I bet you $100 you can put a shot glass anywhere on this bar and I can pee into it and not spill a drop.”
“You’re on,” says the bartender. He puts the shot glass all the way at the other end of the bar.
The man stands up, unzips his fly, pulls his thing out, and pees everywhere. He gets it all over the liquor, all over the bar, and all over the bartender.
The bartender smiles and says, “All right, buddy. Pay up.”
The man smiles and pulls out $100 and hands it to the bartender. The bartender asks him, “You just lost $100. Why are you so happy?”
The man looks at the bartender and says, “Because I just bet those guys over there $500 that I could piss on you and make you smile.”
Q: Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Kills me every time.
Q; How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!!
And, my two favorite “ethnic” jokes:
Q: How many white guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
Q: What’s white and eleven inches long?
A: Nothing.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The barkeep gets the drinks and hands it to the neutron.
The neutron asks how much does he owe for the drink.
The barkeep looks at him and says “neutrons… no charge.”
(I know it is a groaner, but still…)
Why are there so many Smiths in the phonebook?
Because they all have phones!
… Which reminds me of the old Garfield chestnut:
(Jon) I wouldn’t say you’re fat, but you have more chins than the Hong-Kong telephone directory!
Here we go:
A little boy comes home from school. Mommy says, “what did you do on the way home from school?” The little boy says, “well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off, and then…” Mommy says “hmph, let’s save the rest of the story for when Daddy comes home for dinner.” The little boy says,“OK Mommy.” Daddy comes home for dinner. Mommy says to the little boy “what did you do on the way home from school?” The little boy says,“well, on the way home from school, I cut through the park. And I saw Daddy. He was in a car with Aunt Suzy. And he unbuttoned her shirt, and then he took her bra off…” And Mommy says,“hmph, and then what happened?” And the little boy says,“and then Daddy and Aunt Suzy started doin’ the same thing that you and Uncle Roy did when Daddy was away in the Army!”
Little Rascals’ teacher: “Johnny, I bet I can tell you what you had for breakfast - eggs.”
Johnny: “Nope, oatmeal.”
Teacher: “Don’t fib! I can see egg on your chin.”
Johnny (trying to lick chin): “I ain’t lyin’. Eggs was yestidy.”
sigh Where’s the Grapist when you need him?
It took me way too long to get that. Apparently, I’m a moron.
This post has been imitation-graped by the imitiation-Grapist!
Monkey in the jungle does a huge favor for an elephant so the elephant owes him. When the elephant asks how he can repay him, the monkey says he wants to have sex with the elephant. The elephant laughs, thinks “How bad could this be?” and says sure, go ahead. The monkey mounts the elephant from behind and starts going to town.
About this time the elephant bumps into a palm tree and a coconut falls out, striking the elephant on the head.
When the elephant says “Owww!”, the monkey looks up, smiles and says “Yeah, take it all bitch”.
Say “Knock knock”
Maybe not the funniest, but works every time.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with bright yellow machine tools.
And of course, my favorite joke ever:
Ask me if I’m a duck.
An optimist says “the glass is half-full”.
A pessimist says “the glass is half-empty”.
An engineer says “you need a smaller glass”.
Non-PC:
So I’m sitting there swabbing the deck in my squadbay with a few other guys. We start telling jokes to pass the time. Cautiously, a few open up some non-PC jokes, and, as they become more confident that no one will be offended, a few anti-semetic ones.
My buddy Goldberg, silent up to this point, cuts in. “You guys really should lay off the Jewish jokes. My grandpa died in a concentration camp,” he says sullenly.
The jokesters are aghast! They had no intention of insulting someone with such a past. They lower their eyes to the deck in shame.
Goldberg sighs. “Yeah. He fell out of a guard tower.”
drum roll, cymbal clash!
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Family Friendly:
A rope walks into a bar and hops onto a stool. “Bartender,” he says, “gimme a beer!”
The bartender grimaces and jabs his thumb at a nearby sign. “Can’t ya read? No ropes allowed!”
The rope hopes down and sadly leaves the bar.
Then he gets an idea. He starts wiggling and contorting himself until he’s a tangled jumble. Then he tassles and frays his top. “The bartender will never recognize me now!”
So the rope walks back into the bar and hops onto a stool. “Bartender,” he says, “gimme a beer!”
The bartender squints his eyes. “Aren’t you that rope I threw out a moment ago?”
“Nope,” the rope says, grinning, “I’m a frayed knot!”
HAHAHAHAHA!!! OMG!!! ROTFLMAO!!! IM @ |33tz j0kst3r!!!11!!
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PG-13
A mamma mole, pappa mole, and baby mole are sittin’ in their hole. Suddenly, the papa mole sniffs the air. “Why, I think I smell sugar!” He scurries up and props himself in opening of their hole to get a better whiff.
The mamma mole exclaims, “No, I smell honey!” She quickly scurries up the hole and jams herself next to pappa mole the get a better whiff.
Baby mole, excited, scurries up for a whiff himself. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says. “All I smell is mole asses!”
[sigh]
PbZeb: Knock Knock!
Max Torque: Are you a duck?
'Nother one for you, smoke:
An ion walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “Why so glum?”
The ion sighs and says, “I’ve lost an electron.”
The bartender says, “Gee that’s rough. Are you sure you lost it?”
The ion nods sullenly. “I’m positive.”