Ok, when i was younger i was the big joke teller in the family. Now I can’t think of a damn one! So i want to know the funniest joke of all-time. Tell me the greatest joke you know. And i dont mean anything cheesy or stupid, i mean a joke that will put a person on the floor laughing and holding his side. I await the humor of my fellow dopers!
Conti
The purple ping pong ball joke. I’ve only heard it here, cant remember who from but I forwarded it to everyone i know. It was a classic.
But it’s my favorite punchline of all time:
“I don’t have to outrun the bear.”
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don’t the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
nobody can think of ANY good jokes???
come on?!
Oh, you want me to think of a good joke? Ok, give me a minute.
[thinking]
Hmmm, no not that one, no that one’s kind of lame, hmmm, no that one’s too offensive. Oh wait a minute – yeah that one, that’s a good one.
[/thinking]
Haahhahahhahhahahaahaahhaaaa.
Oh, my side! Jesus, that one gets me going every time!
I have to tell this one in honor of my friend Akash, who thinks it’s the funniest thing ever (I think it’s pretty dumb, honestly):
Two sausages are sitting in a pan. One looks at the other and says, “Awfully hot in here, isn’t it?”
The other replies, “Oh my God, it’s a talking sausage!!!”
Dumb, dumb, dumb.
My personal favorites only make sense if you’re from Michigan:
How do you get green?
- You crush blue and yellow.
Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ann Arbor?
-
They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
-
What do you get if you drive slowly through the U of M campus?
-
A diploma.
I have many more of this ilk…
ME! ME ME ME! I TOLD IT! Look for it in a different thread though, I’m too tired to write it out.
But it’s not that great. My favorite joke is this:
Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Fires.
Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Flaming Ducks!
I’ve always loved that joke, and no one will ever understand how much I love it.
Tsarina,
Jesus wasn’t born in East Lansing either. They couldn’t find the 3 wise men and a virgin because they were all at the corner of MAC and Albert burning a couch and baring their breasts.
Michigan, the Harvard of the west. Go Blue!
Sorry about the hijack folks, but one must defend their schools honor when called.
This is the ideal opportunity for my 400th post.
What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
Elephant are grey, plums are blue.
How do you get a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Open door, insert giraffe, close door.
How do you get an elephant into a refrigerator?
Open door, remove giraffe, insert elephant, close door.
The lion called a meeting of all the animals. Who didn’t show up?
The elephant, he was in the refrigerator.
An elephant wanted to cross a river, but he knew that crocodiles lived in the river. How did he get acros?
He swam across. He knew that the crocodiles were at the lion’s meeting.
What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
Elephant are grey, plums are blue.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elphants approaching?
Nothing.
Why didn’t he say anything?
He didn’t recognize them.
Why didn’t he recognize them?
They were wearing glasses.
Why were the elephants wearing glasses?
If people told so many stupid jokes about you, wouldn’t you want a disguise?
What is harder than getting a elephant in the back seat of a Volkswagen?
Getting two elephants in the back seat of a Volkswagen.
What is harder than getting two elephants in the back seat of a Volkswagen?
Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of a Volkswagen.
What is harder than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of a Volkswagen?
Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of a Volkswagen.
What did Jane say when she saw the elephants approaching?
She said, “Look, here come the plums.” (Jane is colorblind.)
What is grey and has four legs and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation.
What is brown and has four legs and a trunk?
That same mouse returning from vacation.
What sort of elephants live at the North Pole?
Cold ones.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
:::Throws all available shit at IRT:::
I have always loved this one:
what has 28 teeth and 62 legs?
the front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
What did Winston Churchill say to his men just before they got into their tanks?
“Men get into your tanks”
A man is going skydiving for the first time. In the plane before he jumps he says to the instructor:
“I’m… a bit nervous about this, would you just be able to run what I’m supposed to do past me again?”
And the instructor says “There’s nothing at all to it. You just jump out of the plane, and then you see that ring there? Just give it a sharp tug, and your parachute will open and you will float gently to the ground.”
The guy says “But what if it doesn’t?”
“In the unlikely event that your parachute fails to open you have a reserve one in the back. Just give that ring there a sharp tug, and the reserve parachute will open and you will float gently to the ground.”
“Yes, but… just suppose… it doesn’t?”
“In the extremely unlikely event that your reserve parachute fails, you must pray. Pray to Allah.”
“But I’m a Christian.”
“It doesn’t matter, pray to Allah.”
So the time comes and the guy jumps out of the plane. He falls for a bit and then pulls the first ring - nothing. He gets a bit worried but doesn’t panic, and pulls the second ring - the whole pack comes off!
So he’s speeding towards the ground, and he screams out “Allah! Allah! Help me!!” and a big black hand comes down from the sky, catches him, and puts him gently on the ground.
He says “Well thank Christ for that!” and a big black foot goes THUMP
OK, I’ve posted it before but it bears repeating.
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
“You gonna eat that?”
Michael Jackson had a son with his ex-nurse, as we all know.
On the way out of the hospital, Michael told his wife to go to the car while he talked to the doctor and asked him:
“This is my wife’s first child and despite her nursing experience, she doesn’t have much experience with these things. That’s why she said I’d better ask you how long we ought to wait before it’s 100% safe to have sex.”
The doctor replied: “Well, I’d at LEAST wait untill he’s walking before you start thinking about him like that…”
dodges Politically Correct things
— G. Raven
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=62811
Here is a thread I am partial to. I’ll kick in a joke though, very popular here on SDMB…
Q: What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.
Actually, it was the hot dog vendor who was the Zen Master. When I bought a hot dog from him, I gave him a ten dollar bill, which he just pocketed.
I said, “Hey, Zen Master, how 'bout some change?”
And he told me, “Change must come from within, my son.”