Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: So he can fit in his little spaceship!
I’ll get my coat.
2 goldfish in a tank. One says ‘how do you drive this?’.
I tell this to every incoming class of 11 year olds. One year a girl said she didn’t get it. She said she’d ask her Dad about it. Next day she said in front of the class ‘My Dad says you’re not funny!’ I asked her exactly what she’d told her dad:
2 goldfish in a bowl. One says ‘how do you drive this?’.
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20.
“Why is it that cheap?” the woman asks
“Well”, replies the assistant, “it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity”
“Oh, I don’t mind that”, said the woman, making her mind up, “I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot”.
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman “Fk me, a fking new brothel and a f**king new madam”
“I’m not a madam and this isn’t a brothel” says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let’s it drop.
A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home. “A new brothel, a new madam, and now new f**king prostitutes” says the parrot when he sees the daughters. “Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes” complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home. “Well fk me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin’, Dave?” says the parrot.
knock knock
who’s there?
interrupting cow
interrupting c…
MOOOOOOOOOO!!!
There’s also one like that about a duck, but I forget how it goes. 
Jeffrey Dahmer’s last words to the inmates who beat him to death in prison:
“Go ahead and try. I eat guys like you for breakfast.”
Of course, the funniest joke ever told ahem
Wenn ist das Nunstuck git und Slottermeyer. Ja! Beierhund das oder die Flipperwaldt Gersput!
(That was for you Monty Python fans. 
)
Ok… a real joke… I heard this on a TV Special somewhere. Cracks me up everytime…
A man was in the waiting room at a hospital. His wife was having a baby. They’d had a few babies at this point, and all of them had been terribly deformed. The man is pacing as the doctor comes up. The doctor looks concerned.
The man runs to the doctor, “DOC! WHATS GOING ON?!”
The doctor says, “I think you’d better come with me.”
The two men go into the delivery room. The man sees his wife, holding a little bundle in her arms. He walks, kisses his wife on the head. Pulls back the blanket to see his child. And sees the child is a GIANT EYEBALL!
“OH MY GOD!” The man cries, “HOW CAN IT GET ANY WORSE THAN THIS!!!”
The doctor says, “He’s blind”
Couple more Dahmer ones:
What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his butt.
How does Jeffrey Dahmer greet his friends?
With a warm hand-shake.
Two cows in a field:
Cow 1: So, have you heard about that mad cow disease that’s been goin around?
Cow 2: Yeah, makes you glad you’re a penguin, doesn’t it?
Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
It scares the dog.
A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!” The grasshopper said, “You got a drink named Steve?”
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of a joke?”
So a baby seal walks into a club…
Q. What does a sexually satisifed woman sound like?
A. Yeah, I didn’t think you’d know.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
The golfer goes: WHACK…“Shit!”
The skydiver goes: “Shit!”…WHACK
encore
Why did the porn star lose his job at the gas station?
Every time the gas tank was almost full he’d pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
Three strings walk into a bar. The first string walks up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender says “I’m sorry, we don’t serve strings here.” The second string walks up and orders a beer. The bartender says " Like I told your buddy, we don’t serve strings here." The third strings see whats going on, so he ties himself in a knot and frays his ends. He walks up and orders a beer. The bartender is getting a little annoyed by now and askes “You’re not a string, are you?” The string replies, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
Bill: So how was your first skydiving trip.
Bob: Well, the instructor told all of us that if we didn’t jump on our own, he’d push us out. When it came my turn, I hestitated. The instructer got right behind me and said, “If you don’t jump right now I’m going to push you.” A few seconds later, he threatened me again. Then he said, “Look, if you don’t jump I’m gonna f*ck you in the ass!”
Bill: Did you jump?
Bob: A little at first.
Ph very well.
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. “What’s this?” he asks. “Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies. “What are cojones?” the man asks. “Cojones,” the waiter explains, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.” At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. “What’s this?” he asks the waiter. “Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies. “No, no,” the man objects, “I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.” “Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not always lose.”
The Refrigerator Joke
Three guys were waiting at the pearly gates to get into Heaven. St. Peter asked the first one how he died. “And it better be a good story if you want to get into heaven, 'cause I’ve had a really long day,” the saint
warned. “Well, it’s kind of bizarre, actually,” the first man replied. “You see, I live on the sixth floor of a high rise apartment building, and every day I do chin-ups from the balcony above mine. I’ve done it for years without mishap, but today I somehow missed my grip and fell. By some
miracle, however, I managed to grab on to the third floor balcony, and thus save myself from almost certain death. ‘Oh, thank you, Lord,’ I breathed gratefully. Then without any warning, a man came tearing out onto the third
floor balcony and started stomping on my hands. I couldn’t hold on any longer, so I fell and hit the bushes below and died.”
“Well, that’s quite a story,” St. Peter said. “Go on into Heaven.” Then he looked at the second guy in line and his ill humor returned. “Your story has to be even better then that first guy’s or you won’t get into Heaven,” he said. “St. Peter, before I start, I have a confession to make,” the second man said. “I’m a very jealous man. I know it’s a sin, but I can’t help it. I have a beautiful young wife, so beautiful that I couldn’t imagine how any man could resist her and so I began to get a little suspicious. Well, today I decided to come home from work early and catch her in the act if she really was having an affair. When I walked in, I found her naked in our bed, so I knew she had been unfaithful and that the other guy must be in the apartment somewhere. I wanted to kill him, I was so angry, so I started rushing around the apartment looking for him. Finally, I ran outside, and would you believe it, there was a man hanging from my balcony! In fury, I started stomping on his hands, because I knew that since I live on the third floor of my apartment building, he had very little chance of survival if he fell. When he couldn’t hold on any longer, he fell into the bushes below, but I couldn’t tell if he was dead, and I was so angry that I just had to make sure. I rushed back inside, grabbed our refrigerator from out of the wall and dragged it out onto the balcony. I then had to climb up on the rail to toss the refrigerator over, but just as I had started to tip it, I lost my balance and fell. I landed right on top of the other guy, and to my amazement, I was still alive! ‘Praise God, it’s a miracle!’ I cried. Then the refrigerator, which had been teetering on the rail of the balcony, fell
on me and I died.”
“Whew! That’s quite a story! Since you’ve had a good record in life up until today, I suppose you can go on into Heaven,” St. Peter decided. Then he glared at the third guy. Before the saint could say anything, the third guy spoke. “St. Peter, picture this. I’m naked, crouched in a refrigerator.”
So this guy walks into a cafe. He pulls up a chair, sits down, makes himself comfortable.
The waitress walks up to him and asks him what he wants.
He replies, ``I’d like a quickie.’’
Taken aback, the waitress asks him to repeat his request.
The guy says, ``I’d like a quickie.’’
The waitress slaps him across the face, and asks him firmly what he wants to order.
He says, ``Really, I just want a quickie.’’
The waitress is really pissed off now, and she asks the patron to leave the restaurant. The guy is puzzled, but he complies anyway.
As he walks out the door, another diner turns to him and says… ``Excuse me, but I think it’s pronounced <i>quiche.</i>
No, no, no, you’ve got it all backwards…as the T-shirts say, Harvard is the Michigan of the east!
(Recent U-M graduate here… :))
donkeyoatey, that post was awesome.
And after all that, I can’t think of any good jokes! Maybe tomorrow. 
Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was staples to the back of the first monkey.
Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Well, ya know, “monkey see, monkey do.”
DISCLAIMER: Possibly offensive ethnic jokes ahead. I think they’re funny, I’m Polish; my father told them to me. (In fact, he’s told me most of the Polish jokes I know.)Why there are so many dumb Polack jokes, I dunno. I happen to find Poles very intelligent. But I tell the jokes anyway. Let them underestimate us. 
How do you stop a Polish tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
How’d the Polack hurt himself raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree?
Wave.
Did you hear about the Polish water polo team?
All the horses drowned.
Okay so little four year old Johnny goes to the zoo with Mom and Dad for the very first time. The whole family is standing in front of the elephant cage.
Johnny: Hey mommy, what’s that on the elephant?
Mom: Oh, that’s the elephant’s trunk son.
Johnny: No mom, I know what an elephant’s trunk is–what’s that at the other end?
Mom: Oh, well that’s the elephant’s tail.
Johnny: No, I know what a tail is. What is that thing down below?
Mom: (embarrassed and blushing) Oh, well that’s… that’s just nothing son.
Johnny: (not altogether satisfied with his mother’s answer) Hey Daddy, what’s that thing on the elephant?
Dad: Well son that’s the elephant’s trunk.
Johnny: No dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is–what is that at the other end?
Dad: You mean the elephant’s tail?
Johnny: No dad, down below, down below.
Dad: (realizing that father/son talk is about to happen) Well, Johnny that is the elephant’s penis.
Johnny: (looking confused) Well, how come when I asked Mom what it was, she said it was ‘nothing?’
Dad: (suddenly looking proud) Well son, I’ve spoiled that women.
::crickets chirping::
::tumbleweeds rolling::
Thanks, thanks a lot… I’m here all week!
“What’s the name of his other leg?”
Q. Why do all the trees in South Bend lean towards the north?
A. Because Michigan sucks, and Florida State blows.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE TO FOLLOW:
Q. What’s the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. Well, Neil Armstrong was the first man to WALK on the MOON [make little forward walking motion with your fingers], and Michael Jackson, well, he just likes to f*ck little boys in the ass.
Oww!
Why did the girl fall off of the swing?!
She had no arms!
In keeping with the Michael Jackson theme…
Q. When is it bedtime at Michael’s house?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
Also the Wisconsin killer/necrophiliac theme…
Q. Why did Ed Gein keep his house so warm?
A. So the furniture wouldn’t get goose bumps.
And of course, and oral sex joke…
A woman was in a terrible car accident and was in a coma. He husband visited everyday, hoping she would get better. One day, the nurse was giving the woman a sponge bath. She noticed every time she rubbed the woman’s thighs, her heart rate increased and the woman moved. This gave the doctor an idea. When the husband came in, the doctor told him “This might sound crazy, but we have reason to believe that if you have oral sex with your wife, it may help her recover. We will leave you alone, but we need to monitor her heart rate from down the hall”
The staff left, but watched the heart monitor from the nurse’s station. Sure enough, the woman’s heart rate began to get stronger and stronger! Then, suddenly it began to fluctuate wildly before flatlining! The staff rushed into the room and saw the sheepish looking husband standing in the corner. “What Happened??!!” the doctor asked.
“I think she choked”
Thank you, thank you. Please remember to tip your waitstaff.
How can you tell if there’s an elephant under your bed?
The ceiling is very close.
What’s the difference between a group of sly pygmies and a sorority track team?
Well, the pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts…
-b