I need some new jokes. Offensive, inoffensive, political, religious, sexual, whatever, I don’t care. Give me some!
I’ll start:
Why doesn’t Buddha use e-mail? Because he doesn’t want any attachments!
What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite?
A nun falling down the stairs
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue all over?
The same nun the next day after falling down the stairs
Alternate Spoiler:
A nun after a bar fight.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”
The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game, she will describe an object and the students will tell her what she had described. Teacher: “The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem.” Timmy: " I know what it is, it’s an apple." Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” “OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it.” Christopher: “I know what it is, it’s an orange.” Teacher: “That’s right, I like the way you’re thinking.” Johnny: “Can I try, Teacher?” Teacher: “Yes Johnny, but, Keep it clean!” Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says “My object is round, hard, and has a head on it.” Teacher: “Alright Johnny, go to the office!” Johnny: "No Teacher, it’s only a quarter!
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Kisses with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7… sorry, no kisses this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free kisses.”
Bubba replied, " No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead
What’s black and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you?
A piano
Two crows are sitting on a perch. One says to the other “do you smell fish?”
I’m not happy that I had to think about that before the light bulb went off.
Mine:
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What’s about a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
To
To Who?
No, no, it’s “To Whom”
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her backyard?
Yeah, neither did she.
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
My name is growing all the time, and I’ve lived a very long, long time; so my name is like a story. Real names tell you the story of the things they belong to in my language.
Fuck off Treebeard.
You missed the best part of the punchline
Johnny: “No Teacher, it’s only a quarter, but I like the way you’re thinking!”
The lady opened the door expecting the usual small groups of ghosts, princesses, and cowboys, but this time one lone little pirate stood there, his big brown eyes looking at her expectantly.
“Oh my!” she exclaimed. “Where are your little buccaneers?”
The little fellow looked back at her and said, “They are under my little buccan’ hat!”
Courtesy of my Email Joke Gang:
A Muslim kid can’t find his mother in the supermarket. The store attendant says, ‘What does your Mom look like?’
The kid says “Damned if I know…"
Inspired by this thread:
A woman marries and has 15 children. Her husband dies. She remarries, and has another 15 children. Her second husband dies, and not long after she dies.
At her funeral, the priest whispers to one of the pallbearers, “Finally, they’re together”.
The pallbearer says, “Her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
The priest replies,
“No, her legs.”
A penguin is driving across the American South West, and his car breaks down. He gets a tow to a local town and the mechanic says he’ll take a look at the car right away, why not come back in an hour. So, our intrepid penguin decides to sit down for a meal at the local greasy spoon, and since it’s so hot out, to finish off with a banana split. Being cursed with a lack of opposable thumbs*, he just shovels the ice cream in, making a huge mess.
He walks back to the shop and the mechanic says “Looks like you blew a seal” The penguin replies “No, no, that’s just some ice cream.”
*No, I don’t know how he drives.
lol…That was good!
haha
Yea really…lol
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
“That’s right.” she replied, “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?”
He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”
She giggles and says, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, “Mission Accomplished.”