I love a good joke, but it often seems as though I’ve already heard all the good ones. So here’s how this works:
Tell a joke, one per post. If I have heard it before, it gets zero points and no further consideration regardless of how hilarious it is.
If it is new to me, it gets five points, then an additional 0-5 points based on how funny I find it (totally subjective and unpredictable, I know).
A perfect score is a ten. The object? To be the first one to get a ten, of course.
Let us proceed.
An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He’s impressed, especially since his friend doesn’t know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, “Wow, where’d you get that?”
His friend explains, “Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, ‘Take what you want!’”
The engineer nods in understanding. “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
(Sorry, engineers!)
7 points.
A man walks into a bar and OUCH.
(alternative version : A man walks into a café and drowns)
Q. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Zero points.
Nice! 9 points.
A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. Bartender says: “We don’t serve your kind in here, you’ll have to leave.” So the string goes outside, roughs up his ends, ties himself in a bow, turns around, goes back inside and asks for a drink. Bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that string I just threw out?” String says,
“No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Really? Sorry, I’m not wasting my jokes here.
Neighbor 1: Did you hear about the kidnapping on Elm St. yesterday?
Neighbor 2: No! What happened?
Neighbor 1: They woke him up.
Him: Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?
Her: No.
Him: Never mind, let’s go to lunch.
A dog went into the post office to send a telegram, got a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope’s authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: “Who is in the limo, the mayor?”
The policeman told him: “No, someone more important than the mayor.”
Then the chief asked “Is it the governor?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone more important than the governor.”
The chief finally asked: “Is it the President?”
The policeman answered: “No, someone even more important than the President.”
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: “Now who is more important than the President?!”
The policeman calmly whispered: “I’ll put it to you this way chief. I don’t know who this guy is, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur.”
How do you speak lesbian?
It’s all in the tongue.
A pirate walks into a bar, and the first thing the bartender notices is that the pirate has a large Captain’s wheel coming out of the front of his pants. Carefully the pirate sits on a barstool and orders a shot of rum, which the bartender provides. They start up some small talk, and after a few minutes the bartender just HAS to ask.
“You know, I can’t help but notice that you have a Captain’s wheel coming out of your fly.”
“Aye, matey, that I do,” says the pirate.
By this point, the bartender is overcome with curiosity. “What’s it doing there? Does it hurt?”
“Arrrrrrrrrrr,” responds the pirate, “it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
A screwdriver walks into a bar, hops up on to a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender says: “Oh, we’ve got a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver looks puzzled and replies, “What, you’ve got a drink called Dave?”
Q. What’s brown and sticky?
A. A stick. [Expecting a score of either 0 or 5, here]
Just to join in with the OP, if I may, and using the same scoring system, so far it’s 0, 0, 5, 0, 5, 8, 0, 0, 5, 0 (not including my own, obviously). So BobLibDem is in the lead for me so far.
My dad needs to hear this joke.
Thank you! 
Zero points.
6 points.
8 points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
6 points.
Zero points.
Zero points.
Zero points. But that might have been a 10 if I hadn’t heard it before.
A man is walking through a hospital, seeking his friend’s room, when he suddenly hears people quoting Scottish poetry, apparently apropos of nothing.
“O, my Luve’s like a red, red rose,/ That’s newly sprung in June.”
“Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim’rous beastie,/ O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!”
“Should auld acquaintance be forgot,/ And never brought to min’?”
Curious, the man asks a passing nurse, “Is this the mental ward?”
“No sir, it’s the Burns unit.”
Q: What is a Zombie’s favorite musical group?
A: The Marine **Corpse Marching ** Band.
f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions”.