I am going to a party Saturday at which everyone will be called upon to tell a joke. I have a nice stable of jokes, but unfortunately I’ve already told most of them to the crowd at one point or another, so I’m casting about for something new. The best new (to me) joke I heard was in the Anti-Humor thread recently: How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. That is going to be my fallback, but I’d like something a lil longer and with a lil more dramatic flair (think “Mcgreggor, the fence-builder”). Anyone got a good one?
This from the nerd humour thread a few weeks ago, whether it’s a hit depends on the sophistication of your audience:
What did Sigmund Freud say came between fear and sex?
It’s best if you tell this joke in your worst Irish accent and get some call and response going with the “noooo…” It really draws 'em in.
An irish man walks into a bar and orders a pint of guiness. The bartender looks at the man and asks, “why the long face?”
The Irish man responds, “you see that church over there? I built that church with my own two hands, with my own hammer and nails. But do they call me the church builder? Nooooooooooo.”
“you see that bridge over there? I dug the trenches for the support beams and laid the asphalt; built that bridge from start to finish, but do they call me the bridge builder? Nooooooooo.”
“And this bar? Why, fifteen years ago, I set to work and built this bar up from scratch. It was my first job. With nothing more than a rock and some wood, I built this shithole you’re standing in. But do they call me the barbuilder? Nooooooo.”
“But you fuck one goat…”
Without knowing your audience, I’ll give you two. The first one is clean but the second one is a little dirtier and funnier:
1.)A man and his wife walk into a dentist’s office. The wife say, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or Novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The wife turns to her husband and says: “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
2.)Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, “Hey that’s a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?”
The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”
“A condom? Where do you get those?”
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”
The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”
Two older couples are having lunch together. One man says to the other, “You know, my wife and I had dinner the other night at a terrific new restaurant downtown - you two have got to check this place out.”
The other man says “Great - what’s the name of it?”
“Gosh, the name … I can’t remember … how am I going to come up with that name?” Then his face brightens “I know - help me out here. There’s a kind of a flower, usually has a long stem, sometimes a red blossom, thorns …”
The other guy says “A rose?”
“That’s it!” He then turns to his wife and says “Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant where we ate the other night?”
Here are a couple good ones:
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
“No, no,” the penguin replies, “its just ice cream.”
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there’s a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she’s incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”
These are great, thanks! I should mention that these can be any degree of grossness short of aristocrats. Keep em coming!
I heard a hilarious one, in the (very good) movie School Ties with Brendan Fraser and Matt Damon. Ben Affleck and Chris O’Donnell also have minor supporting roles. Great movie.
Anyway here’s the joke:
So there was a huge religious revival in Madison Square Garden last week…first, the Archbishop of New York got up and gave this speech about the Virgin Mary, and it was so emotional and so passionate that 10,000 people converted to Catholicism right on the spot. Then Pat Robertson gets up and gives a speech about the saving grace of Jesus, and it’s so moving that 15,000 people become Baptists right there. Then, finally, to cap it all off, Pat Boone gets up on stage and sings “There’s a Gold Mine In The Sky.” And 20,000 Jews join the Air Force.
Just don’t tell it to a large, naked Jewish guy in the shower, or you’re liable to get punched in the face. (That’s what happens to Matt Damon’s character, anyway.)
Totally un-PC but I still found this joke hilarious.
Not so much a joke as a comeback, but “your breath smells like an old lady fart passing through an onion.”
This one I stole from Gilbert Gottfried:
A businessman is sitting in his hotel room and he gets a bit of an urge so he asks around and makes a quick call to an escort service. They were more than happy to oblige and sent a woman right over.
When the woman comes in the two make small talk to ease a little bit of the tension. After a few minutes of that, the two make their decision to get down to business, so the escort heads on into the washroom to prepare.
As the escort makes her way in to the washroom the business man asks, “so how much is this gonna cost me anyhow?”
“three hundred fifty dollars per hour”, the escort replies as she closes the door to the bathroom.
When the escort opens the door to the bathroom she notices the businessman is sitting on the bed furiously masturbating. Aghast, the escort asks, “why on earth are you masterbating?”
The businessman replies, “shit lady, for three hundred fifty dollars per hour, do you really think I’m going to give you the easy one?”
I’ve always liked this one.
cool, so many lovely jokes. haha…
Three Tampons are walking down the street; a Maxi, a Regular and a Petite.
Which one says hello to you first?
None of them. They are all stuck up bitches.
A girl goes to the doctor complaining of an embarrassing problem. After some cajoling, she explains that her clitoris hurts. The doctor gets her to strip off, put her legs in stirrups and bends down to have a look. After some moments, he says ‘I think the best thing to do would be to numb it for you’.
‘Oh, ok’ says the girl, so he bends back down and goes ‘num num num num num…’
What’s the difference between a Corvette and a dead hooker?
I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.
There’s this guy walking down the street, and he gets approached by a prostitute.
“Hey there, sugar. You know, I’ll do anything you want for 250 dollars.”
“Anything at all?”
“Oh, yeah. You just name it, anything for 250 dollars.”
The guy pulls out his wallet and counts out 250 dollars. He hands her the money, looks her straight in the eye and says “paint my house.”
Very very poor taste, but:
An elderly man brings his wife to their doctor since he’s been very concerned with her behavior lately. After an extensive series of tests, the doctor approaches the old man privately.
“well Sir, after all of that testing, we’ve been able to narrow it down to two things: your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
“oh my” replied the old man “what should I do? how can I ever figure out which one she has?”
“well” offered the doctor “there is a test…”
“Yes? Yes?” asked the old man urgently
“Okay” said the doc “drive your wife a couple of miles from your house and then kick her out of the car.”
The old man looked puzzled and said “Hunh?? How will that help?”
“Well” reasoned the doc “if it turns out she can find her way back home - DON’T FUCK HER!”
Elmo, the farmer, was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.
The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town, Elmo came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, “Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?”
Quite shaken, Elmo muttered, “I have these here really nice peaches for sale”. The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.
She said, “Are those peaches full and firm like these?”
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, “Oh yes, they’re really good peaches.”
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, “Would they be succulent and delicious like this?”
He started to cry and said, “Oh yes, they’re wonderful peaches.”
She said, “Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?”
Elmo whimpered “Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you’re gonna screw me out of my peaches.”
My favorite recent joke I heard in the religious joke thread about a month ago:
Why did all the ladies love Jesus?
(hold your arms out to the side)
Because he was hung like this.
And after you’ve told this joke enough times that people anticipate the punchline, substitute this one nonchalantly:
“My Corvette still has that ‘new car’ smell.”
(It’s not as funny on its own. But if you expect the first punchline because you’ve heard it before, then this one can catch you unprepared.)
On a scale of one to ten…
…How old is Michael Jackson’s boyfriend?