Why does Michael jackson like twenty eight year olds?
Because there are twenty of them.
The only joke I think I ever tell:
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
I’m not sure that this counts as a good joke, but I had great success when I told it to my mother–so much so that I then had to tell it to my father, and my uncle.
Did you know that the Air Force Anthem was written in Upstate New York?
(pause, allow time for someone to say it was? or I didn’t know that or something)
Yes, (singing optional) Oswego, into the wild blue yonder . . .
From Will Farell on SNL:
We were outside Demengen (in WW II), and a friend of mine, a Jewish guy named Goldblat… he stepped on a landmine, and… we rushed over to him, and he was lying there bleeding - there was nothing we could do. We asked Goldblat, “Are you comfortable?” And he said, “Ah, I make a decent living.”
Also-
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart?
Rhesus pieces
Here’s a good one if you can tell a long story with intersting characterizations. I like doing the nuns’ voices in valley girl speak.
Father O’Malley and Rabbi Rabinowitz were shooting some hoops. When they were done, they decided to hit the showers. When they got in the showers, Rabbi Rabinowitz noticed that there was no soap. Father O’Malley said “Ooh, I thinks I have a couple of bars in me office. I’ll be going to get them straightaway.” He stepped out of the shower and looked for a towel so he could dry off and get dressed. Then he thought “Saints begora, me office is only a wee bit down the hall, no need to get dressed. I’ll just run over, get me bars o’ soap, and run back. I’ll be as quick as a leprechan.”
So he ran to his office, naked as a jaybird, grabbed a couple of bars of soap, and started to run back. On his way back, he saw three nuns walking down the hall coming the other way. He panicked. The only solution he could think of was to strike a pose and pretend to be a statue.
“Ooh, there’s a new statue! Totally awesome!”, said one of the nuns. “And it looks like a vending machine! There’s even a handle that you can pull or whatever and get a prize or whatever.” She pulled on Father O’Malley’s penis. He was so startled that he dropped a bar of soap. “Ooh, I got soap!” said the nun.
The second nun said “Oh. My god. Let me try!” She pulled the Father’s penis. Once again he got startled, and dropped the other bar of soap. “Awesome! I got soap too!”
The third nun said “My turn! My turn! Ooh, hand soap!”
And in person you seem so normal.
How do you kill a circus?
You go for the juggler!!
Think of a country beginning with D. Now, don’t be fancy…no Republic of Germany…just Germany. No Democratic Republic of xxxx…just xxxx.
Ok…Don’t tell me…
Now take the ending letter of that country, and think of an animal starting with that letter. Again, keep it simple…No ‘Grizzly Bear’…just Bear…no ‘Koala Bear’…just Bear.
Ok?
Now take the ending of that animal and think of a color.
Got it?
You do know there are no orange kangaroos in Denmark, right?
Ok, not a joke, but I love the expression on their face.
I went to buy a camouflage uniform … but I couldn’t see any.
How do you stop your dog barking in the front garden?
Put him in the back garden.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
The interrupting cow
The inter…
MOO!
Why did the cat fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey.
Two Jewish men are walking past a Catholic church. A big sign out front says, “Not a Catholic? Not a problem! Come in and convert - we’ll give you $100!” Herschel says to Shlomo, “What the hell, it’d be a quick hundred bucks. I’ll try it!” He goes inside. After a few minutes he comes back out. Shlomo asks him, “So, what happened? Did they give you the hundred dollars?”
Herschel says, in disgust, “It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?”
Dominican Republic
Cheetah
Is there a color that starts with ‘h’?
Well aint you a smart one 
90%+ go for Denmark from my experience.
I was thinking Djibouti…
Are there any hotpink cheetahs in the Dominican Republic?
What about manganese blue inchworms in Djibouti?
Those are worms!
It is amazing how well it works though…my experience is about 4 out of 5. Haven’t used it in a few years though so after Sept 11, it might not work as well.
So two baby seals walk into a club.
What’s the differance between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
The Stones say “Hey, you, Get offa my cloud!” but the Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get offa my ewe!”
I have a great knock knock joke. You start.
The classics never go out of style.
A joke at the expense of someone at your party:
Why did (insert name here) cross the road?
Because his dick was stuck in a chicken.