things have fallen apart in my life in a big way these past couple days and I’m really just… need something to cheer me up. And I figure somebody else probably does, too, so-
post your favorite joke here 
or your favorite hilariously funny picture or whatever!
Dirty is okay, but I’d prefer it if we could stay away from the truly disgusting (unless it’s REALLY funny)
What’s brown and sticky?
.
a stick!
… okay, your turn.
Not my favorite, but…
What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
A Stick! (the stick strikes again! hahah)
Sorry, I’m a nerd…
Brendon Small
My all time favorite:
It’s this poor country boy’s 16th birthday, and his father wants to give him something memorable, but he’s, of course, poor. So he gives the boy a duck, and tells him to go into town and try to buy a whore with the duck. Well, after many attempts, and many hookers laughing at him, he finds one willing to do it, since it’s his birthday and all. When they are done, she rolls over, lights a cigarette, and says, “Tell you what, kid, that was great. If you can do it again, I’ll give you your duck back.” Being 16, this is not a problem for our boy. On his way back from town, the duck manages to escape his grasp, and a truck hits it. The driver feels terrible about what he’s done, and gives the boy a dollar as compensation. He gets back to the farm and his father asks how everything went. The boy replies:
I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked up duck.
What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don’t cry when you chop up a hooker.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
What’s a foot long and slippery?
a slipper!
What’s the biggest problem about running a dildo farm?
Squatters.
A middle aged man lost his left eye due to disease. He did not want to live the rest of his life with an eye-patch so he visited a nearby doctor’s office to discuss his options. The doctor approached him with a briefcase full of prosthetic eyes.
Doctor: This first one here is made of pure glass with a hand crafted iris. It is virtually identical to a human eye, even at close range. Of course it is not cheap, the asking price is $2000.
Man: I’m sorry doctor but I don’t have that kind of money right now, what else do you have?
Doctor: Alright, well this next eye is made of plastic. These are made straight from a machine and they are not quite as authentic. Obviously they are much cheaper, we’re only going to charge $200.
Man: I was really hoping for something more affordable.
Doctor: Hmm… Well I usually don’t recommend this but we do have one last model. This eye is made purely out of wood. The iris is painted on. It may not fool many people but then you get what you pay for. This one is only $20.
Man: I guess that’s all I can afford at the time. I’ll take it.
So with the wooden eye in place, the man wants to go outside and test the waters. He wants to see if he can fit in with the real world. He remembered a church dance was happening that night and decided it would be a great place to start.
After he had been at the dance for an hour he didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone. He wanted to but he felt too embarrassed to approach anyone. Finally in the corner of the room he spotted a woman all by herself. She was very beautiful except for one obvious flaw, she had a hunch back. Certainly, a woman with this condition would not be able to laugh at his current situation.
It took a good ten minutes for the man to build up the nerve but he finally approached the woman.
Man: Excuse me miss, I saw you here all alone and I was just wondering if you would like to dance.
Woman: Would I, Would I!
Man: Hunch Back, Hunch Back!
My photography teacher told us this little gem in 7th grade. And yes I still tell it to others when I want to torture them.
The captain of a sailing ship is standing on the deck with his crew, when one of them points to the distance and shouts “Captain, there’s a pirate ship sailing toward us!” The crew is terrified, and one of them says “Captain! What should we do?!” The captain gave a grim response.
“Men, fetch my red shirt.”
So the crew fetched the captain his red shirt, and he had just enough time to put it on before the pirates rammed their ship and boarded them. The captain drew his sword and charged toward the pirates, fighting wildly. The captain’s bravery inspired the crew so much that they too drew their weapons and fought the pirates, forcing the pirates to withdraw and sail away.
The crew were jubilant. “That was amazing, Captain! You were so brave! But why did you make us fetch your red shirt?”
The Captain replied, “If the pirates shot me, or stabbed me, I didn’t want you to see my blood and become afraid.” His men were in awe. “That’s the bravest thing we have ever heard,” they said.
The next day, the Captain and his crew were standing on the deck of the ship, when one of the men pointed to the distance and shouted “Captain! There are TEN PIRATE SHIPS sailing toward us!” The crew is panicked, and one of them says “Captain, what should we do?” The Captain replied in a grim voice.
“Men, fetch my brown pants.”
A wig and a shit walk into a bar, the shit sits at a table and the wig asks for two bottles of beer.
“I’m not serving you, or your friend. Get out.”
“But why?” asks the wig.
“Because you’re off your head and your mate’s steaming.”
A mother gets on a bus and the driver gives her a ticket and then says “Wow that baby’s ugly”
“Well REALLY!” the woman exclaims and takes a seat.
She turns to the gentleman sitting next to her “That driver just said the rudest thing to me.”
“That’s awful” he replies “You should have words with him. Go on, now before it’s too late. Don’t worry i’ll hold your monkey.”
Well, as you know, we’re here if you want to talk about it. I wish I had something more substantial to offer you, but if it’s a joke you want…
A family of moles lived in a hole in the ground. One day, Father Mole popped his head out the front door and exclaimed, “I smell honey!”
Mother Mole squeezed her head out next to him and said, “Smells like syrup to me.”
Baby Mole tried, but was unable to get past his parents blocking the hole. He sniffed anyway. “All I smell is molasses!”
Jesus and St. Peter decide to descend to earth for a round of golf. On the fourth tee, Jesus pulls out a six iron. Peter says “Lord, are you sure about that club? I think you need at least a four iron to clear the water.”
Jesus answers, “I’ve seen Tiger Woods play this hole and he always uses a six iron.” Jesus takes his shot and PLOP! puts the ball in the water. He pulls out a second ball and PLOP! in the water again.
Peter says “Lord, please. Use more club.”
Jesus says, “Look, I’ve seen Tiger Woods play a six iron here.”
Jesus sends three more balls in the water. By this time the foursome from the third hole are waiting and watching. Still more balls in the water. Finally, one of the foursome approaches Peter and asks “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Peter says “He IS Jesus Christ. He THINKS he’s Tiger Woods.”
A man walks into a bar, and sees the cutest looking chick behind the bar. He sees a sign behind her that says,
Cheese Sandwich $3.00
Ham Sandwich $4.00
Hand Job $5.00.
He looks at the sign, looks at the girl, and says, “you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
She replies, “yes, I am.”
He says, “well, go wash your hands. I want a ham sandwich.”
Two hydrogen atoms are walking and talking.
1st atom: I’m really worried. I think I lost an electron.
2nd atom: That’s terrible. Are you certain?
1st atom: I’m positive!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
It’s hard to beat a doper joke thread, but when my life went sour, I found that reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the Jeeves novels by P.G. Wodehouse could raise me out of any funk.
Anyhoo, there was an old man and old woman at the nursing home. They loved each other dearly, but they were too old for sex. So they spent many a happy afternoon sitting together on the sofa watching television while the old woman held the old man’s penis.
But one summer day, the old woman catches the old man with another woman. The two of them are seated together, his penis in her hand, and he looks even happier than before.
“What?” The woman asks exasperatedly. “What does this woman have that I don’t?”
The old man looks up with a big grin.
“Parkinsons!”
Ahem. Cheer up, Dorothy!
How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan?
Take away the brooms.
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and sperm?
Even sperm has a million to one shot at becoming a human being one day.
Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
(I only became a lawyer for the jokes).
A down on his luck guy walks into a bar. As he sits down, he sees one of those big gallon-sized mason jars on the bar. Only it’s stuffed full money. So he asks the bartender about it.
“That?” Says the barkeep. “That’s the ‘three-jobs’ jar.” If you put in 20 bucks and do three jobs, you get the whole jar of cash."
“What are the jobs?” the guy asks.
“First, you gotta knock out our bouncer.” The barkeep then points out a monstrously powerful man watching the TV. “Second, we got a wild pit bull with a loose tooth tied up out back. You gotta pull the loose tooth. Third, my 85-year-old grandmother is upstairs. You gotta screw her.”
The guy shudders and declines the job before settling down into a long night of drinking. But as he’s putting them away, he’s watching that jar of cash. Finally, he decides it’s worth it and slams $20 into the jar. The bartender gives him a shot on the house and sends him staggering towards the bouncer.
“You the bounsher?” he slurs to the big man.
“Yeah. Wadda ya want?” the bouncer replies.
BAM! with a lighting punch the guy puts the bouncer out cold on the ground.
“Where’sh the dog?” he says next. “Out that door.” the barkeep says.
The drunk staggers out and for 10 minutes the barkeep hears the dog barking and the guy cursing up a blue streak. Then he hears the dog yelping and the guy shouting in victory.
Finally, the guy stumbles in looking disheveled but pleased.
Then he asks, “Now where’sh thish old lady with the loosh tooth?”
Here’s my all-time favorite. I’ve told it before, so apologies if you’ve read it.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame fell off his tower and died. The Archbishop decided to look for a replacement and put the word out. The very next day a man showed up who looked just like the Hunchback.
“Hi, I’m Qasimodo’s brother. I feel it’s my responsibility to ring the bell, now that Quasimodo is dead.”
So he’s hired, and the very next day he falls off the tower and dies. The crowd gathers round, and everyone asks the Archbishop who it was. His response?
“He’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
BUT WAIT!
So the Archbishop puts out another ad but this time he goes away for a couple of days. While he’s gone, a man shows up at the door with no arms for the bellringer job. The monks scoff, asking how he can ring the bells, and he shows them how he can so beautifully ring the bells with his mouth. So they hire him.
Next day, guess what! He falls off the tower and dies, too. As the crowd is gathering around, the Archbishop arrives. He sees the dead body and thinks “Hmm, do I know him?” And the crowd is asking him who the dead person is, and he says,
“I don’t know, but his face sure rings a bell.”
HA!
Also, I don’t get the bacon joke. Can someone help me?
I didn’t get it either, at first. But curling is a sport that involves brooms (it’s like shuffleboard on ice, and the players sweep the ice ahead of the puck to make it move - the oddest sport I’ve ever seen). So, to get bacon to stop curling, take away its broom.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.