Tell me your favorite joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

What do you call a dog with iron neuticles and no hind legs?

Sparky.

[my favorite Johnny Carson/Karnak the Magnificent joke]

Karnak: Sis. Boom. Bah… what sound is made by an exploding sheep?

Almost any of Paul Lynde’s one-liners from HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, but my favorites include:

Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won’t go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection…

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it’s being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, “The Joy of Sex.”

22

I get it now. We are not amused.

:slight_smile: Thanks for the explanation, though!

23

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, “Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?” The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, “You make one velly impoltant mistake!”
Fry

24

The local hospital had hired a new administrator, so the chief of the medical staff was showing him around. Early in the tour,they passed a room in which a patient was masturbating furiously while watching a pornographic movie.

“What’s this!?” the new administrator exclaimed. “We can’t have that!”

The chief paitently explained that the hospital was very big on holistic, non-invasive, non-chemical treatments, which HMOs and insurance companies were more willing to pay for because of their lower costs. That particular patient, he said, had a rare prostate condition that was being treated by inducing frequent ejaculation.

Somewhat mollified, the administrator nodded and they continued the tour. Several minutes later they passed a room in which the male patient was being given oral sex by a beautiful nurse.

“Whoa, THAT’S not going to pass muster!” the administrator cried.

“On the contrary,” replied the medical chief, “That’s more of the natural medicine at work. Do you remember the fellow masturbating in his room down the hall?”

“Yes, what of it?”

The chief nodded at the man getting the blow job. “Well, same disease, better HMO.”

25

What do you get when you cross a Hooker with a jar of Peanut Butter?
A piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

26

Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled?

Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin.

27

Two parrots on a perch. One says to the other…

“Do you smell fish?”

28

Ol’ Roy goes to town with a trailer full of steers, gets a good price for 'em, decides to buy himself a new pair of boots. He gets home, walks in the door and poses proudly for the missus. “Notice anything different?” he asks.

“Not really, Roy,” she replies. “You get a haircut?”

Disappointed, Roy stomps off into the other room, shines the boots up smartly, then re-presents himself for inspection. “Now do you notice anything different?!” he demands.

Again the wife shakes her head. “Sorry, Roy, you look just the same.”

Thoroughly disgusted, he storms into the bedroom, strips naked, puts the boots back on and tromps back into the living room. “Okay, NOW do you notice anything different!?”

Somewhat amused, Mrs. Roy shakes her head again. “No, Roy, it’s hanging down like it always has.”

Outraged, Roy bellows, “It’s hanging down because it’s lookin’ at my NEW BOOTS!!”

The wife looks at the boots, then says, “Hmm. Well, Roy, maybe you shoulda’ bought a new hat.”

29

Why do elephants have four feet?

Cause 5 inches just ain’t gonna be much good to 'em.

30

My personal favorite:

Peter Marshall: Paul, you’re the world’s biggest fruit. What are you?
Paul Lynde: Humble

And on to the joke:

Two very bred and very well heeled women are out shopping and pass by an adult book store. On a lark, they decide to go in an investigate.

They look around at the lingerie, the DVDs, the magazines, etc. all the while snickering and giggling to each other. Finally, they approach the counter where a large collection of vibrators and dildoes are displayed.

“What on Earth would you use one of those for?” asks Blue Haired Lady #1
“Oh, my,” says Blue Haired Lady #2. “I’m quite sure I don’t know.”
BHL#1 calls the clerk over and asks, “Excuse me, but what exactly do you do with these things.”
The clerk responds, “Very simple - they’re for masturbating.”

Both women smile a little and giggle.

BHL#1 says, “Well, in that case - I’ll take the one on the end - that big black one.”
BHL#2 says, “Yes, I’ll take the one their under the counter - the great big one. The plaid one.”
The clerk says, “But that’s not…”
Before he can finish BHL#2 says, “Now, now, my good man, I know what I want…and I want THAT one.”

Later that day the owner of the shop comes by and asks “So, did you sell anything?”

The clerk responds, “Just a black vibrator and my thermos.”

Thanks, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week. Drive home safe and don’t forget to tip your waitress.

31

Why do lawyers wear ties?

Keeps the foreskin from sliding over their heads!

George Bush is getting a security briefing, and the intel officer says “It looks like Al Queda is speading into South America…An explosion there yesterday killed four brazilian solildiers.”

Dubya says, “That’s terrible. How many is a Brazilian?”

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He orders a drink and the monkey procedes to run around the bar, eating lemon slices, peanuts, Cherries, pool chalk, and even a cue ball. Anything he can get his hands on. The bartender complains, and the gentleman offers to pay for anything the monkey eats.
Next week, the same guy comes in with the monkey, and orders a drink. The monkey runs around again, eating eveything in sight, only this time he pokes everything up his butt before he eats it. Peanut, up the butt. Lime wedge, up the butt.
The bartender says “I know your going to pay for all this stuff, but why the hell is your monkey shoving everything up his ass before he eats it?
The guy says, " Well, he’s still eating everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball, he tests everything to make sure it will pass.”

32

So two cows are standing out in an English field. The first one turns to the other and says,
“Say, are you worried about this mad-cow disease?” To which the second one replies…

“Of course not, I’m a helicopter.”

33

Stinky Burrito, if you’re going to make me think that hard, I demand funnier jokes. :slight_smile:

34

A fly is sitting on a turd, eating it. Another fly buzzes around another turd and asks “Excuse me, is this stool taken?”

:stuck_out_tongue:

What did the jar of dressing say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
“Close the door, I’m mayonaise!”

35

Favorite, eh?

This guy has a complete physical and goes back to the doctor for the results.

Doctor: Well, Jim, I have some bad news for you. We found a growth in an area where we can’t operate. It’s malignant and terminal and spreading rapidly and I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do about it.

Guy: Damn, Doc. How long do I have?

Doc: 10

Guy: Ten what? Weeks? Months? Years?

Doc: 9

36

I get the “would I.” I don’t get the “hunch back.” :confused:

37

A walking talking mushroom goes into a bar. The bartender says “Hey! We don’t serve no walking talking mushrooms in here!” and the walking talking mushroom says “Why not? I’m a fun guy.”
Three very old men in a nursing home are lamenting the infirmities of age. The first says “You know what I miss about being younger? Being able to take a really long hard good piss.”
His bud next to him says “All these water pills I’m on, I don’t have any problem taking a good piss. Know what I miss about being young though? Being able to take a really good shit.”
Their friend, 95 years old, tells them, "Hmm. I’m older than either one of y’all, but I had me a good shit just this morning about 8 o’clock, 8:30, somewhere around there. Had a good long piss this morning about 10 o’clock, 10:30, somewhere around there. Know what I miss about being young though? Being able to wake up before noon.
What do you get when you stick a knife in a cheerleader?
An erection. [alternates to cheerleader include hitchhiker and baby, but I decided to take the middle ground of offensiveness]

38

Sam Clam and Larry Lobster

Sam Clam and Larry lobster were the best of friends living at the bottom of the ocean. They were practically inseparable, which explains how they both got caught in a lobster trap together and died together.

Larry Lobster found himself at the Gates of Heaven talking to Peter.

“Larry, welcome to Eternity. Here you will be eternally happy before God.”

Larry was overwhelmed by the glorious sights, but one thought crept in, “Peter, I am overjoyed to be allowed the glories of the Kingdom of Heaven, but where is my friend Sam Clam. I wish to be with him at this happy time.”

Peter looking a bit puzzled started paging through a large book. After a few minutes he closed that book and pulled out an even larger, thicker black book. Finally he stopped and stabbed at the page, “Ah-ha! Sam Clam is in Hell.”

“Hell?” asked Larry Lobster, incredulously. “There must be some mistake, Sam and I were together all the time. How could I and not…”

Peter cut him off, “Apparently Sam lied once and once had an impure thought. Please, Sam is not worthy of you or of this place. Take pleasure in all of the glory.”

“Can I at least visit Sam and say goodbye?”

A horrified Peter responded, “Of course not! You cannot visit Hell, you are in heaven. Please Larry, go get your robe, wings, and harp and take refuge in the beauty which awaits you.”

Larry acquiesced to Peter, but he remained despondent and sad, despite being in Heaven and all it promised. Larry frequently requested the opportunity to visit his friend Sam Clam. Each time Peter rebuffed him. Larry’s depression was so extreme that others in Heaven were not enjoying the afterlife as they had been promised. Eventually God heard of this and summoned Peter.

“Peter, what is wrong with Larry Lobster?” And Peter explained. “Did you tell him it was not reasonable to go to Hell once you had attained Heaven?” And Peter explained that he had. “Then I guess we must make an exception, under certain conditions…” and God explained to Peter what Peter explained to Larry.

“Larry you may go to Hell to visit your friend, Sam Clam. However, you must return before the clock strikes twelve, you must not damage or lose your three Holy possessions: your robe, your wings, or your harp. Do you understand?”

“Oh yes, yes, thank you! Thank you!” and with that Larry rushed down to Hell to visit Sam Clam.

When he got there he was startled to see Sam Clam running a disco. People were dancing and drinking and it was dark so Larry could not find Sam right away. Then from behind he heard “Larry Lobster is that you? I thought you were in Heaven?”

Larry turned around and saw his old friend Sam Clam, dressed to the nines, “Sam I just came to visit and to finally say goodbye.”

The two of them talked and reminisced for hours. Larry was enjoying himself immensely, totally oblivious to the time when Sam Clam said “You had better go, it is almost time”

“But I want to stay here…”

“No Larry, this is not your place. There are things here I won’t mention. Go back to Heaven and be happy.”

So with tears in their eyes they said their good-byes. Larry rushed up to Heaven and reached the Gates just as the clock struck twelve. Peter was waiting.

“Larry, you barely made it,” said Peter.

“I know but I…”

"And your robe is filthy, " said a disgusted Peter.

“I can explain, you see…”

“And your wings! One is ripped and the other is practically fallen off,” chastised Peter.

“Funny you should mention that, because…”

“And your harp, Larry, where is your harp?” asked a disappointed Peter.

“Oh dear,” answered Larry, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s Disco.”

39

A man goes to a brothel. All the regular girls are busy, but he’s offered a discount on an elderly grandma with a glass eye. He shudders, thinks about it and decides to go with it.

The elderly lady suggests that she remove the glass eye and he can pleasure himself in the eye socket. He has the most fantastic orgasm this way and thanks her.

He promises that he’ll return to repeat the fabulous sex.

She says, “Great. I’ll keep an eye out for you!”

40

Oh that’s disgusting. Funny though.