What’s the difference in Vietnam and Iraq?
Why was Helen Keller a shitty driver?
Why can’t Helen Keller get pregnant?
How do we know Jeffrey Dahmer was bulimic?
Because he blew his lunch every other day.
What’s black and blue and doesn’t like sex?
The six year old in my trunk.
There are two gold fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
“How do you drive this thing?”
A guy goes into a sweet shop and asks the clerk “do you guyths thell nuths?”
The man says “Sure do- over here we have a large selection”
The guy says “How muth are your pecanths?”
Clerk says “17.00 a pound”
And your almonths?
“21.00 a pound”
And your cathewths?
“15 dollars a pound”
Ok, give me a pound of pecanths, half pound of almonths, and half a pound of cathewths, and thank you for not making fun of my speech impediment.
The clerk says “no problem. I am very sensitive to things like that, cause as you see, I have a very big nose”
To which the man replies “Thaths your noth? I thought cauth your nuths were so high that that was your dick”
A cute blonde and a cute brunette are walking down the street when suddenly the brunette pulls the blonde aside and points across the street to a young man leaving a florist shop with a big bouquet.
Brunette: “Damn!”
Blonde: “What?”
Brunette: “That’s my boyfriend with that big bouquet of flowers, which I’m sure he’s bringing home for me.”
Blonde: “Well, what’s wrong with that?”
Brunette: “Nothing, I guess; It’s just that every time he brings me flowers I end up on my back all night long with my legs in the air.”
The blonde thinks about this and then says:
“You should buy a vase.”
He thinks she’s insulting his wooden eye so he insults her back (oh, heh, I didn’t even plan that one!), I mean, in return.
Heh. Reminds me of my favorite of all time:
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?
“You gonna eat that?”
He thinks she’s making fun of him, so he does it right back at her.
Bah, I was beat to it.
Coincidentally enough, I just saw this joke for the first time on Monday. My friend’s uncle had had it printed on cards for those attending his funeral! She says that’s exactly the kind of guy he was. 
Reminds me of another joke:
Doctor calls his patient on the phone, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Give me the good news first.”
“The good news is you have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s the good news!? What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is I was supposed to call you yesterday.”
When she say “would I?” he hears wood eye and thinking he is being insulted after assuming they would have something in common he insults her back by calling her a hunchback.
My joke: a school teacher is telling the children that the story about Jonah and the whale is not exactly true because it is anatomically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being. Little Caitlin pipes up that it is true and she knows it because it is in the Bible. The teacher tells her that there are many stories in the Bible that are used only to make a point and that Jonah was never swallowed by a whale. Caitlin says that when she gets to heaven she will ask Jonah if it is true and that will settle the issue. The teacher asks her “and what if Jonah is in hell?” Caitlin says “then you ask him.”
I can never remember favourites, but this is the one I heard most recently…
After a particularly creative brainstorming session, a Starbucks advertising executive sets up a meeting with a senior cardinal in the Vatican.
“Your Eminence,” he says, “I have an exciting proposition for you. Starbucks will pay the Church 20 million euros if you will agree to change one word in the Lord’s Prayer. We want you to change the line ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily coffee’. It’s a winner – our research shows that the Lord’s Prayer is considered outmoded, like stodgy bakery products, while coffee has a fresh young image!”
“Preposterous,” says the cardinal, “the Lord’s Prayer is a sacred institution. We could not possibly consider such a change!”
“All right, 50 million,” says the Starbucks man. “Whaddya say?”
“The Church is not for sale!” comes the reply.
“OK, final offer. 100 million euros. Come on, it’s just one word!”
“Well,” says the cardinal, “that would allow us to do an awful lot of good work… and as you say it is only one word, and I’m partial to a cup myself. OK, it’s a deal.”
So at the next Vatican meeting the cardinal addresses the Pope: “Your Excellency, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the Church coffers have been boosted by 100 million euros thanks to some business I have negotiated.”
“Marvellous,” says the Pope. “And the bad news?”
“We’ve lost the Hovis contract.”
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches…
And a Peeping Tom looks at tits. I don’t get it.
Sort of like the difference in a women’s track team and a tribe of pygmies?
Pygmies are cunning runts?
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A bunny fart.
Certainly do.
What’s green and fuzzy and has six legs and if it falls on you out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table
What does a stroke feel like? I think I’m having one…
These two elderly ladies are sitting on the beach in Florida talking.
Hortense: Gladys, you know I’m 87 years old. And I want you to know that I still…I still get that…feeling, you know?
Gladys: I do too, dear. I do too.
Hortense: Well, what do you do for it?
Gladys: Usually I just suck on a Life Saver.
Hortense: Well, that’s easy for you; you live near the beach.
A country bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere and, while the conductress goes off to phone for help, the driver gets the spanners out and slides under the bus to see if he can fix it. A little while later the conductress gets back, and after making some small talk for a while, says “Do you need a screwdriver?”. To which he answers “Not now, I’m trying to fix the bus.”
What’s the difference between herpes and mono?
You get mono from snatching a kiss…