What’s green and smells like pork?
Kermit’s finger.
The proprietor of a liquor store sees two nuns walk in. They shyly go from display to display, and finally select a bottle of gin. As they reach the counter, the proprietor asks them if they should be buying alcohol, being nuns and all. “Oh no, this is isn’t for us.” replies one of them, “This is for the Mother Superior.” So the proprietor sells it to them. Later, he closes the shop up, and sees the two nuns sitting on the sidewalk outside the store, empty gin bottle next to them, quite drunk. “Sisters! I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior!” “Oh it ishh. Sheees conshtipated, and when she shees us, shes gonna shit.”
Pierre the Famous French Pilot was entertaining his lady love one evening, they were enjoying a leisurely dinner together.
“Kiss me Pierre” she purred.
Pierre dipped his fingers in red wine, touched them to her lips, and then kissed her passionately.
“Oh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze red meat, I have ze red wine.”
A little while and less clothing later, the lady shows Pierre her impressive expanse of decolletage.
“Kiss me Pierre”
Pierre takes bottle of white wine and dribbles on her, and then kisses her exposed cleavage.
“Ohhhh Pierre!”
“I am Pierre ze Famous French Pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I have ze white wine.”
A little while and lot less clothing later, the lady lifts her last undergarment.
“Kiss me now Pierre.”
Pierre grabs a bottle of congac and empties in her lap. Then he lights a matches and tosses it in, igniting the alcohol.
“PIERRE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!”
“I am Pierre ze famous French Pilot and when I go down I go down in flames.”
What do you have when a midget fortune teller escapes from jail?
A small medium at large.
What’s the difference between a woman kneeling in church and a woman kneeling in the bathtub?
The woman kneeling in church has hope in her soul…
What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea? The epileptic shucks between fits.
Two nuns are riding their bikes through Vatican City, and decided to take a different route. This takes them across a street paved with cobblestones.
“I’ve never come that way before”, said one none.
The other replied “Must be the cobblestones.”
Here’s another.
Peter Marshall: Paul, you’re America’s favorite fruit. What are you?
Paul Lynde: Humble!
A termite walked into a bar and asked, “Is the bartender here?”
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Did you hear about the lady who backed into a propeller? Disaster.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?” The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.” “Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked. “I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said. “So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”
It was the Last Supper, and Jesus and his disciples were gathered at the table dining for the last time. Jesus tells his disciples, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.” Peter asks, “Is it me, Jesus?” “No, my friend, it is not you.” John speaks up, “Is it me, Jesus?”. “No, it is not you.”
Judas asks, “Is it me, Jesus?” Jesus replies, [high-pitched mocking voice]“Is it me, Jesus?”[/hmv]
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tits a lot.
Moved from IMHO to MPSIMS.
What do a 9V battery and a girls asshole have in common?
It shocks you every time, but that doesn’t stop you from putting your tongue there.
What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells awful?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite?
A nun falling down the stairs.
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandblue?
The same nun the day after she fell down the stairs.
So this suburban man, by coincidence, finds himself with two new neighbors, on either side. He is a friendly sort, and as soon as he spots his neighbor to the left, he approaches to strike up a conversation. They exchange names and views on the climate, and then he asks his new neighbor “So, what is it that you do?”
“Well, I teach at the University, I’m a professor there.”
“Really! How very interesting! What do you teach?”
“Formal logic. I specialize in inductive reasoning.”
“I’m not that familiar, could you explain a bit more?”
“Be glad to. I notice that you have a dog house, which means you are probably heterosexual.”
“Well, thats true, but I don’t see…”
“If you have a dog house, you probably have a dog. If you have a dog, it is likely that you have children. Children imply a wife, and a wife implies that you are heterosexual. That’s inductive reasoning.”
The suburbanite is pleased and impressed, and the conversation ends on a cordial note.
He next notices that his other new neighbor is outside, so he approaches the fence to engage him in conversation. They talk about this and that, and the other neighbor inquires if the suburbanite has met his counterpart.
“Why, yes, I have, just today, in fact. Interesting man, he is a professor of inductive reasoning at the University”
“Inductive reasoning? I’m afraid I’m not familiar with it.”
“Oh, its rather simple and straightforward, really. For instance, do you have a dog house?”
“Why, no, no I don’t.”
“Fucking queer!”
George dies and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter opens his book but cannot find George’s name. St. Peter tells George that he died too soon and he will return him to earth but being as everyone knows he is dead, George cannot return as himself. George tells St. Peter that he didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to his wife so if he could put him near her, he would be happy. St. Peter looks through another book and tells George that there is an opening for a chicken only a few blocks from where he lived. George says good enough and with a wave of his arm, George is back on Earth as a chicken.
George is looking around the chicken house when a rooster approached. The rooster asks George if he has ever laid an egg. George says no so the rooster tells George to push real hard and he will lay an egg. George pushes real hard and after a few pushes, an egg pops out. George is overcome with emotion, he has never felt like that, giving life to another. The rooster tells George to try again and George starts pushing for all he is worth.
Suddenly, WHAM, George is hit upside the head and he hears his wife’ voice. “George wake up, you’re shitting all over the bed again.”
To Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf!
Three squires come back from the Crusades with special trophies: saddles made of exotic animal hides. Squire Eric has a saddle made out of gazelle hide, Squire Francis has a saddle made out of giraffe hide. But Squire Bartholomew weighs as much as the other two squires put together, and so he has a specially reinforced saddle made out of hippo hide. And the moral of the story is:
The squire on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two hides.
Heard this on “Prairie Home Companion” a while back (best read with a Scandihoovian accent):
Poor Ole is on his deathbed, but even so he catches the smell of lefse cooking downstairs.
“Oh, Lena, bless her. She’s making lefse for me.”
With all his remaining strength, Ole rolls out of bed and painfully makes his way downstairs and into the kitchen.
Ole makes it to the kitchen table, where there’s a stack of warm lefse.
He reaches out to take one, and immediately, Lena slaps his hand away.
“Ole! Dos are for the funeral.”
He asks “Honey, if I were to die, would you remarry?”
She thinks a moment, and replies “Yes, I probably would.”
He is just a bit taken aback, and presses.
“Well, would you live in this house?”
“I suppose, after all, its nearly paid for.”
He is completely exasperated.
“Would you give him my clothes to wear?”
“Don’t be silly, dear, he’s quite a bit taller.”
Little Johnny was an inveterate gambler. He was always wagering with his schoolmates on which kid in the class would be next to puke, which faculty member would call in sick, whatever. His teacher felt Johnny was a bad influence on the other students, and decided to call in his father for a parent-teacher-child conference.
On the appointed day, the teacher began to lecture her charge. “Gambling promises easy money, and thus discourages people from working.”
“My friends and I are too young to get jobs!”, Johnny rejoined.
“Gambling leads to other vices.”
“None of my friends drink, smoke, or use drugs! And that goes double for me!”
“Gambling leads to lies and deception.”
“Speaking of lies and deception, that blonde hair of yours doesn’t fool me! Ricky’s mom is in your health club, and she saw you naked one day in the shower! How did she explain it to me? Oh yeah, the carpet doesn’t match the drapes!”
“That’s preposterous! I’m a natural blonde!”
“Oh yeah! I’ve got $50.83 in my wallet, and every penny of it says you’re really a brunette!”
Knowing her true color, the teacher decided to take Johnny’s money and bring an end to his wagering ways. She lifted up her skirt to reveal her golden-colored bush. Johnny sheepishly handed over every cent of the money.
“Well, Mr. Jackson,” the teacher said to Johnny’s father, “looks like a lesson has been taught today!”
“Yes, but you might say I was the one who was schooled. Damn kid bet me $100 that you’d be letting me see your pussy before the day was through!”