A doctor and his patient:
Doctor: Bad news. You’ve got cancer *and *Alzheimer’s.
Patient: Whew - at least I don’t have cancer!
THE POPE AND THE RABBI
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to either leave or convert.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Rabbi Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Rabbi Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, it was agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay in Italy.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.
The Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move, and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile the Jewish community gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.
“I haven’t a clue,” said the Rabbi. “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, ‘We’re staying right here.’”
“And then what?” asked a woman.
“Who knows?” said the Rabbi. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
What happens to an illegally parked frog?
It gets toad away.
these are awesome! and most I haven’t heard before.
keep 'em coming!
Those are Chiasmus. (Chiasmi?)
I love those kinds of jokes.
Uncle Sampiro’s books for children- all written to teach kids about multiculturalism and diversity and people with special needs:
For teaching your kids about homosexuality, religion and schizophrenia:
When Billy’s Other Mom Hears God
For teaching your kids about death, royalty, religion, and respecting people’s privacy:
Princess Di and the Light at the End of the Tunnel
For teaching kids about neurological conditions and about why you should always be honest:
The Little Boy With Tourettes Who Cried CUNT! BITCH! MOTHERFUCKER! WOLF
For teaching kids about war, suicide, current events, and world religion:
This Little Muslim Went Bang
Heard in a laundromat that I used to frequent:
Tribe with 3 pregnant indian maids. He puts each in a separate tee pee. 1st one on a deer skin. 2nd 0n a moose skin. 3rd on a hippopotamus skin
Next day 3rd has twins the others one kid each.
Chief says squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
In honor of Americas 200 birthday a guy cut the hoofs off 444 buffalo,
He had 1776 bisontoenail s.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese!
johnny, a regular at the local pub, stumbles up to the bar from his booth, near closing time, and yells to the bartender, “ey! ey ian! hic! ey ian gettover ere, hic!”
ian, the bartender, comes over, and says. “whatcha need johnny? we’s about closing… and yer sloshed. i ain’t gonna pour nother fer ya.”
so johnny says, “nah nah. i gotsa bet fer ya.” “oi, rilly?” says ian. “ya ya.” says johnny, “you jus gotten put up a glass dere, 'd’other enna da bar.” slurred johnny, “anna, i’ll climes up here top da bar, an piss right inna tha glass, won’ missa drop!”
“oh ya hey?” asks ian, “an 'ow much ya up ta wager fa dis?” “a hunnert. stray-up.” replies johnny.
so hands were shook, the wager sealed. and johnny, with a bit of help, was stood on one end of the bar, nearly falling a couple of times… while ian placed a glass at the other end.
…long story short, johnny proceeds to piss all over the bar-top, without even getting a single drop in the glass he had ian set up.
as johnny climbed down from bar, looking quite shamed, ian walked over and started towelling up the mess. “eh johnny,” ian said with a grin, “ya needs a day er some, to get o’er the shame - er just come up tha loot, i’ll let ya run a bit, no intrest!”
to which johnny turned slyly & replied, “na worry mate! i’ll ‘ave yer share soon as i collect offen dese blokes ere, what bet me tousands i’d nah ‘ave ya wipin’ piss from yer bar wit a smilin’ face by close, hey!”
A variation on this is:
What did the Scotsman say when he saw a neighbor having sex with one of his sheep?
“Hey, McLeod, get offa my ewe!”
What do you call a guy with an animal costume sexual fetish who is also a heroin addict and the insertive partner in sodomy?
Wait for it… this is well worth the time it takes to ignore… he’s
The Furry With the Syringe on the Top
What did the blind, deaf, mute, handicapped, mentally challenged boy get for christmas?
Cancer.
Thanks for the great new word 
What’s the difference between a comma and a kitten?
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and a kitten has claws at the end of its paws.
What do you call a Black man flying a plane ?
A Pilot you racist bastard!
A Nose and a pair of Jump-Leads (Jumper Cables) go into a bar.
“Sorry,” says the Barman, “I’m not serving you.”
“Why not?” says the Nose.
“Well,” replies the Barman, “you’re off your face, and your mate looks like he’s about to start something”.
(Best told orally…)
Q. What’s brown and comes steaming backwards out of cows.
A. The Isle of Wight ferry.
Cowes is a harbour on the Isle of Wight,
What’s the difference between a good friend and a best friend?
A good friend will help you move.
A best friend will help you move a body.
I think I hurt something laughing so hard at this.
That’s just so wrong…I feel terrible that it made me laugh so much!
There’s a whorehouse on a hill. There’s a guy going up the hill, a guy coming down the hill, and a guy in the whorehouse. What are their nationalities?
The guy going up the hill is Russian.
The guy coming down the hill is Finnish.
The guy in the whorehouse? Himalayan.