What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken
I’m actually ashamed about how hard I laughed at this.
Nitpick. Actually, they’re not. They’re more like Spoonerisms.
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Dam!
Judgement Day has arrived and St. Peter sits at his desk interviewing people lined up before the pearly gates of Heaven.
A married couple stops before Peter, who says “Ma’am, you may enter but your husband may not.”
The indignant man replies: “I’ve been a good husband and provider, a regular church goer. I never stole or lied; why can’t I get into Heaven?”
Peter: “Sir, you may not enter because you are guilty of the sin of DRUNKENESS. You drank morning, noon, and night for 50 years. You adored booze instead of God; even your wife’s name is Sherry.”
Unable to refute the accusation, the man turns away and descends the long winding stair into perdition.
A short time later another couple approaches Peter.
Peter: “Ma’am, you may enter, but your husband may not.”
Man: “But why? I’m a deacon in the church and taught Bible class every week. I never danced or drank liquor. Why can’t I get into Heaven?”
Peter: “You, sir, are guilty of the sin of GREED. You adored money instead of God, allowed it to obsess your every waking thought. Even your wife’s name is Penny.”
Crestfallen, the guilty man turns away to descend into torment.
Yet another couple faces Peter.
Peter: “Ma’am, you may enter, but your husband is damned for eternity.”
Man: “Me? I’m a good man. I sang in the choir every Sunday. I visited the sick and helped the aged. I always gave to charities. Why can’t I get into Heaven?”
Peter: “Sir, you are guilty of the sin of GLUTTONY. You were constantly obsessed with what food you would eat next. You adored eating instead of God. Even your wife’s name is Candy” . . . .
At this point, far down the line, a man turns to his wife with tears in his eyes–
“Fanny, I don’t think I stand a chance.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic?
He sat up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic suicide attempt? Tried to throw himself in back of a bus.
A rather well to do couple was having an argument. The husband says “You spend way too much money! We really need to cut back.” She replied, “You spend as much as I do, what do you suggest?” He said to her, “Well, if you would learn to cook we could fire the chef.” She answered “And if you would learn to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur!”
A couple of my all-time faves:
A nurse give a doctor a form to sign, and he reaches behind his ear and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
The nurse says, “Doctor, that’s not a pen, it’s a rectal thermometer.”
To which he responds “I wonder what asshole has my pen?”
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter what you call him, he isn’t going to come.
What is the difference between a well-dressed man and a dog?
The well-dressed man wears a 3-piece suit, the dog just pants.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Lots of good ones, but so far, Dung your mole asses is my fave! Gonna tell the fambly that one at dinner tonite!
And here I was wondering if y’all were all tired of seeing me always post the same one! 
How many people does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
As a variation:
Liza June: Maw, whut’re we havin’ fer supper tonight?
Maw: Pancakes and Mo-lasses.
Liza June: If’n I cain’t have a drumstick, I ain’t eatin’!
Cigarette. Because you are always taking him outside for a drag.
What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?
You can beat an egg but nothing beats a wank!
A guy goes on a cruise. It happens that also on the cruise ship, travelling first class with various glamorous friends, is Gwen Stefani. So the cruise ship crashes and sinks, and he barely manages to swim to a desert island. The only other survivor is Gwen Stefani. So, pulled together by the crisis, the two of them work together to survive, build a little shelter out of reeds, learn to catch fish and gather fruit, etc. Eventually, one thing leads to another, they fall in love, and begin sleeping together. They are fairly happy, for two people stuck on a desert island.
But as time passes, the man starts to look a little bothered and unhappy, as if there’s something really missing in his life. So one day Gwen says to him “Dear, what can be wrong? Sure we’re stuck on a desert island, but we have plentiful food, we enjoy many fun games of rock-and-stick-throwing, and of course we have each other”. He eventually admits there’s something wrong, and she asks what she can do to help. So he asks her to dress in men’s clothing (some spare suitcases washed up), put on a fake beard, and walk around and meet him on the other side of the island.
Now, she’s obviously a bit worried that he’s gay or something, but she does as he asks… she walks around the fair side of the island, dressed as a man, and he meets her there, and he says…
Dude! You will not BELIEVE who I’m sleeping with!
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Bob, Hon, I’ve heard this joke with Arnold Palmer rather than Tiger Woods, but the main bit left out is that, as Jesus hits it into the water, he walks out onto it to get the ball back each time. So the punchline is:, my remembering the joke added:
Jesus sends three more balls in the water. By this time the foursome from the third hole are waiting and watching, amazed. Jesus has stomped out yet again over the water to retrieve his badly aimed shots. Finally, one of the foursome approaches Peter and asks “Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Peter says “He IS Jesus Christ. He THINKS he’s Tiger Woods.”
The walking on water is key to the joke. At any rate, thanks for it, Bob, because a long lost friend of mine usta tell the Arnold Palmer version, with great aplomb, so that’s why it sticks in me mind.
And Gangster Octopus, the Larry Lobster saga is so great!
Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Here’s my current favourite. It works equally well with either Jews or Canadians, but I’m not sure how well it translates to writing.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five. One to screw it in, and four to stand around saying excitedly “Hey, did you know that he’s Jewish?”
It’s late, and if this has been offered, too bad. You’ll get it again (but I’ve only come across it once–it’s an old Dave Allen joke, and I usually trot it out on St. Patrick’s Day).
An Irishman is walking through the woods, and manages to catch a leprechaun.
The leprechaun says, “Since you caught me, I’ll give you three wishes…whatever you want!”
The Irishman says, “I want a whisky bottle that’ll fill itself up every time I empty it.”
The leprechaun says, “All right,” and poof! Sitting on a treestump, right in front of the Irishman, is a whisky bottle. The Irishman drinks it down, and sets the bottle back on the stump. A few seconds later, he sees the bottle fill itself up by magic.
Once again, the Irishman drinks down the whisky. He sets the bottle back down on the stump. Again, the bottle fills itself up.
The leprechaun says, “Okay, that was your first wish. What do you want for your other two wishes?”
The Irishman says, “I want two more, just like it!”